There is a chocolate cake on the table. Beside it is a phone with only the numbers 911 on it. In big bold numbers. The cake could be sugar free, low calorie, made of black beans and zucchini. But right now it's a chocolate cake. Eat cake or dial 911?!
I have commented that the last year (and apparently part of this year) was an adjustment. I snatched the Lifetime achievement and somehow put it on a shelf to collect dust. That's not what you are supposed to do after accepting an award, a trophy. But I did. I put it on a shelf to look pretty and I went about my day. The boyfriend weight was a lot harder to come off and now there's more. The old me has been silently, sneakily, making her way back into my life. This time, she left the pizza, burgers, and ice cream at home but just brought new stuff. Just about every day I tell myself I will track, track, and track everything. I will watch what I eat, not having anything out of my comfort zone.
I have come close to dialing 911......figuratively. Some may say, it's just so many pounds, but to me, it's a failure. My clothes are tight again. I hate that feeling. The short little skirts I bought in black and navy are tight and make me look like two pigs in a blanket. What happened to the woman who was going to kick the old me to the curb? What happened to the woman who basked in losing 202 lbs. and starting a new life? I'm here, just a little more of me. I wish there was a 911 for those on a weight loss journey to call when they need help. Sure, Weight Watchers has one, but I'm talking about a non-biased person, who knows very little about Weight Watchers. I could pick up a phone and dial 911 and that person would answer on other end of the phone.
The over indulgence over the holidays continued past January, breezed into February, and now we are in March. I know if I work hard, stop eating the graham crackers, chocolate chips, etc. it will come off. I want to polish off the Lifetime trophy and display it proudly. Display it proudly by the phone with 911 on it. To remind me if I somehow NEED it, I can dial 911 but if I think about it, I don't need to.
People continue to tell me how amazing and inspiring what I achieved was. Even the new man in my life realizes what a feat it was. He thinks it's awesome I did that without surgery. But I don't feel inspiring at the moment. I feel defeated. One thing I learned about myself is that I am competitive. When the weight showed up again, I felt like I had lost a race. I was going to have to go back to the starting line and start all over. I wanted to dial 911.
I am sure if there was a 911 for those feeling defeated at weight loss, the person would say it's not too late. Look how far you've come already. You can keep your place in line just start from the beginning. So that's what I'm going to do. Try not to dial 911. I will not buy bigger clothes. So may pants may be tight for a while. So it may be early fall 2017 when I can wear the skirts again. Right now I need to keep from dialing 911.
If this is your first time reading my blog and feel like you've started reading in the middle of a book, check out my "pilot" post here.
