There comes a time.....

God says.... 
The things you've been through have taken something away.... You've lost some shine, you've lost some of your innocence, and along the way you've also lost YOU.  You don't do the things you love to do, you don't get excited the way you did in the old days.  But if you'll take My hand, I have a plan... I'm going to teach you how to WAR for your happiness, how to CONTEND for your joy.  Child, I'm going to show you how to INTERCEDE for our own soul.  And at the end of it all, you'll have your FIRE back.  Isaiah 43:19 

This blog has given me an outlet for expressing my thoughts about my weight loss journey. I was excited to write in the beginning. I gained followers and was once told this person felt as if she was having a conversation with me when she read the blog. Suddenly, I turned around and realized I haven’t kept it up as I once envisioned.

When I started losing the weight, forming new habits — drinking water, power walks, trying new activities, tracking, whatever it was that I felt was necessary to lose the weight — I was telling myself that this is something I will do for the rest of my life, not just a fast, temporary fix.

Like most people, I was going after the prize.... the goal weight. That magical number on the scale. That’s what I eventually focused on: I will get there, I will get there, I will get there. My problem was (and it took me awhile to realize this) never once did I ask myself, will I want to keep this up? Salads every day, power walking 5+ miles a day, tracking every day. I told myself, “I can keep this up.” And for the most part I did. Even after I reached that magical goal weight in 2016, losing a total of 202 lbs., I continued to walk those 5+ miles. Stayed away from unhealthy foods, continued to track what I ate.

These last 6-8 months have been a real struggle. After a long year I finally was back at my goal in February, which seems like a light year ago. Then it was as if a dark cloud hovered over me and some of what I lost found its way back....AGAIN. I can hear myself saying to the pounds lost when I reached that ultimate goal in 2016 - “You’re not coming back.” I didn’t hear the giggles at the time but they were there - saying “We’ll see.”

It’s those significant weight gains that are sometimes a sign of where I am emotionally. If I were thinking clearly (as in not listening to the former me), I’d see it as a siren, and also and a symptom of my imbalance. Often, I’ve eaten out of boredom or just because, or if I’ve become overwhelmed with some areas of my life (dating/relationship, work, comparing what I’m supposed to be doing with what I AM doing, how I might be letting people down, etc). In the back of my head I know that’s what I used to do before God’s intervention.

I want the person back who walked 10 miles/day - motivated, losing weight consistently. I know if I made it to that magical number once, I can do it again. People say they understand, but do they really? Each person conducts the journey as it suits them. They follow the program as it works for them. I’ve said this before - and it’s still mostly true. I don’t follow the program as the next person does.

My doctor recently suggested some changes. I reluctantly agreed - if I could eat my plain Greek yogurt with fruit instead of protein shakes. Not sure it has helped as the numbers on the scale have not moved much. 

For the most part, I eat healthy; fitness is a huge part of my life. So why am I not happy? I want to go after that prize again. I want to see the number go down on the scale. Weight Watchers recently changed their platform. Wellness. I do not adapt to change well. I suppose that’s why I worked hard and hurriedly got to goal before their changes in 2016. Most of my success was with the prior points programs. As most, I rely on Weight Watchers. It’s a well known fact, I can not do this weight loss successfully on my own. If I did, then I wouldn’t have walked through the Weight Watchers doors to begin with in November 2013.  

If I’m being honest, there has been a time or two I was sure I couldn’t make it through something — a breakup, job loss. And yet, I survived it. And yet, I didn’t eat my feelings through it. What makes it difficult/different this time?

I could blame the gain on many things. Changes in the Weight Watcher program, those evil days each month that sometimes come faster than you think or how society defines "athletic" or "toned." Where would that get me? I've always followed the Weight Watcher program differently than the next person.  Those evil days are going to come whether I like them to or not. Some months it's better than others. And no one is forcing me to listen to media outlets, social media posts, etc.

Maintaining has been very difficult. I mentioned in a post on my Glitter All the Weigh Facebook page, as with any addiction, the temptations will always be there.  It's my choice how I deal with them. The struggle will always be present but it's how much of a struggle I make it. I wrote about this balance thing a few posts back. I'm still wrestling with that too. How do you make it work?  If you lost your shine, how did you get it back?  

Embrace the glorious mess that you are!

Why is it so hard to love the glorious hot mess we are? I was going about my merry way when I received a text from a man I met online a couple of months prior. We talked and decided to meet for dinner. His idea of dinner – a couple of mojitos and appetizers. After the second time seeing each other (not truly getting to know one another), I receive the inevitable text saying he doesn’t think it’s going to work. At that moment, the other me waved hello. Th other fat me – the one I try so hard to banish from my life now.

While she sits and smiles holding a bag of chips, feelings of foolishness and not good enough set in. She’s winning. Ah – was it because I do not love myself and that’s why the “you are an incredible woman so don’t take it personally….” text lit up my phone?

I am growing weary of trying to balance this life of mine with the struggles of food addiction. I tend to think of myself as an oak tree. I have been through so many storms and I believe I am living proof of the quote “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Why can’t it help me love myself more? I’ve been told this and heard it more times than I can count. 

Is it because even after the success of losing the weight, remnants remain? The loose skin – e.g. angel wings; flabby stomach pooch. Fear of IT coming back. And when IT does (not matter how much), panic sets in. It does for me at least. I work out almost 7 days a week and even though I consider myself toned, it’s hidden under whatever remainder of what used to be.

That’s not to say I don’t have things I “love” about myself. But somehow it feels like I go in search of those things. I “love” that I no longer crave pizza or hamburgers. The fast food or frozen store-bought pizza. The friend hamburger patty. I “love” being open to trying new things – healthy active things. Although I’m still not sure about jicama. I love that I look forward to yoga on Monday nights – that is my happy hour. It’s a great way to end the first day of a new week. Or getting my morning walk in before the day even starts. Those things somehow give me a sense of accomplishment.

What does it truly mean to love one’s self? I find myself restless most times and find it hard to find peace within myself. This journey has a funny way of messing with your mind. In all ways. I am still judgmental of myself. Even after the pavement of the road is long behind me, I find it hard to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it is hard for me NOT to realize it’s not the fact I have a sagging stomach or wrinkly thighs or a muffin top that makes me who I am.

I will always have struggles. Struggles of making the wisest of food choices. Struggles of finding something healthy and feeling satisfied. Struggles of learning to love myself. Oh how I wish it were simpler. That I can wake up one day and feel the self-love everyone talks about. I can look in the mirror and like how I look in a sexy pair of panties. Or know I’m truly not the problem when I receive one of the many “you’re an incredible woman (you have great qualities), so don’t take it personally” texts.

How will you love yourself today? Someone recently told me to say this out loud ten times a day so I can hear myself say it: “I am worthy of (love happiness, etc.) I am deserving of (love, happiness, feeling content).”

Aha: The God Moment That Changes Everything

"Sometimes life takes us places we never expected to go.  And in those places, God writes a story we never thought would be ours."  

I didn't realize it was January when I wrote a new post.  These last few months, I've dealt with emotional eating, finished my second half marathon, and landed a full time job (with a raise!).  The emotional eating caused me to go above my goal, so guess what.....yep I'm back on that ride again. But it's not going to be a year this time.  I plan to be back down to my goal, or below it, by early May.

I looked in the mirror this morning.  It's been four years since I crawled in the ER and spent six days in the hospital.  It'll be an anniversary, that although will become fainter as years go by, that will always be a significant moment in time.  There are days I like what I see.  Then days that I still see the obese - okay, fat - me.  I wonder when that will go away.  

To think four years I could have not made the decision to visit the ER, I may not be here today.  I could have decided to let the insulin do the work and not change anything.  I have written and spoken about that Aha! moment but I didn't reveal what tole it had on my family.  My brother-in-law told his co-workers his sister-in-law (me) was in the hospital and there's a chance he could have to leave without warning.  I read emails my parents sent their friends who asked about me.  They feared they could lose me.  Tears welled up in my eyes knowing they could have lost me.

How scary is that?  To realize your family actually feared they could lose a daughter, aunt, sister.  If that isn't an Aha! moment, I don't know what is. 

I realized God wasn't going to let that happen.  I don't always - okay, never - understand His plan for me or His timing, but I know He didn't have me walk through that storm for nothing.  Maybe it was to make me aware of the dishonor I was doing to my body.  Maybe He needed me to get healthy and well before He sent the person meant for me.  Well, apparently I'm not ready yet 🤣

I do know it was to show me if a change wasn't made, Elliott wouldn't have an aunt - let alone a fun aunt - much longer.  I wouldn't be around for my parents much longer - in fact, they'd have outlived me.  

Weight Watchers will always be a part of my life.  Making healthy choices will always be the priority.  I hope to get to a point where I don't have to worry about stepping on the scale - to pay or not to pay.  I have enjoyed this journey immensely.  Can't wait to see what's up ahead.

Yes, you made the decision to walk through the Weight Watchers door.  But maybe it was God taking you to a place you weren't expecting.  He was beginning to write your story. When I joined Weight Watchers in 2013, God was writing the fist chapter in my story.  

Y'all have an awesome week.  Spring is in the air!!!