I have been kidnapped. Kidnapped by the former version of me. She's like a relative or friend overstaying their welcome. No ransom has been specified yet. For the last two or three years, I've been working on getting back to my happy number. That number that had me jumping up and down. The number that made giggle when I shopped for clothes. That number that made me feel good about myself. Confident. Accomplished.
As with an obstacle course, the obstacles get more challenging over time. First one was the toxic job environment; finally cleared. Second was this pandemic. If I had been smart, I should have stayed on course, and could have, would have, lost weight. But as we know, all things can't be easy.
During, and after, my weight loss, I realized the truly hardest part of losing weight was not completely changing my lifestyle. It's not about saying goodbye to fast food, junk food, or sugar. It's managing not only the reactions from family and friends, but of my own emotions. I began walking half marathons every day, while my family and friends were dealing with a huge adjustment.
It feels like I am on this moving track that goes in circles. I see the same things over and over again. But also on this track are reminders of what I was when I was at that happy number, just as reminders of the person I was at 375 lbs. I can't seem to get off this moving track.
"You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it."
This track also has some speed bumps or roadblocks. Where or where is that Easy button everyone talks about. Even the flattest courses can have obstacles.
I want the version of me that religiously watched what she ate, leaving out chocolate, sweets, fast food, etc. I want the version of me that laughed in the face of a challenge. She somehow became lost.
Lost in the negative talk. Lost in the feeling of insecurity. Lost in the feeling of the unknown. It was as if I was going in reverse. Those deep rooted emotions from being overweight bubbled up to the surface.
When I reach my goal weight, I swore to myself it would never come back on. I wanted to be as far from 375 lbs as I could. But something happened in the year or so after I reached that goal I thought I'd never reach. Life happened. Yep. The ins and outs of every day life. Jobs. Socializing. And stress. Rejection yet again. And before I knew it, some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose found its way back. Like an unwanted neighbor.
Everything I worked so hard for and changed seemed to unravel. Yes I was doing things I hadn't thought of doing even 4 years ago, but my confidence started to wane. I no longer went after things with gusto. Giving up sounded easier.
I've always said there's a special club for those that lose over 200 lbs. If you think about it, that's an entire person. And I believe for the weight loss to be truly successful, and as weird as this may sound, I believe grieving for the former version of me was crucial. To get that closure, which apparently I have yet to have.
I just can't seem to break free of invisible restraints to get back to the person I want to be. I've always said getting the right mindset after losing the weight and reaching goal is just as important as the physicality. It's as if the overweight version and the thin version are battling it out. And right now, the overweight version seems to be winning. It's a tough game to play and rules seem to change every day. I won at it once and aim to win at it again. Hoping sooner than later I can give my kidnapper the boot for good.
Of course doing this with glitter all the weigh!
Christina
