Here I go on another journey.......100 mile journey

"Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey." 

A stumble, divot, or pot hole.  All these things I encountered on my weight loss journey.  In the beginning, I was able to avoid the pot holes, the stumbles.

As with any journey, I was excited to see where it would take me.  It was a slow process.  Yes, gone was the large pizza and hamburgers, but it would be months before I realized I enjoyed eating salads, or realizing eating cleanly was the best choice for my body.  Those things didn't happen over night. My activity routine was a slow progression as well.  I started out walking a little each day, increasing over time to......well....you know.  It slowly became a habit.  Once I had the walking routine set, I added other activities (over time).....yoga, Zumba, joining a run club.

The first journey was an exciting one and I was doing it for me.  Not unlike before where I halfheartedly lost weight for a high school reunion.  It's well known what happens to that weight...it shows up again with friends.  I lost weight for myself, to be able to live, be healthier.  But as I went about my way, learning to eat healthier, and weight coming off in record numbers, I was thrust onto a "stage" where I faced a bright spotlight.  At times, I felt exposed and somewhat vulnerable.

While my journey had its share of opportunities to stop and smell the roses, there was a stumble that kept appearing.  It was the fear that this weight that I have worked so hard to lose could come back. That at some point, I would stumble, I would fall in a divot and have a hard time climbing out. I started thinking I was sometimes racing on this journey, not enjoying those rest stops to gather my thoughts.  To let my mind catch up.  I raced to the finish line.  But that's what I do.  Go big or go home!  I not only presented to the ER with newly diagnosed diabetes 3 years ago, high sugars, but it was go big or go home.  Pancreatitis and a cyst on my spleen, and high blood pressure.

Once I reached the finish line, had peeled away layer after layer to reveal the newest me, I thought I had reached my destination.   Where did I go from here?  I had put myself first, changed the way I ate, developed an exercise routine, and faced it with gusto.  And as I sat in a Weight Watcher meeting, listening to the leader ask a question: If you were on a 100 journey and realized you forgot something at mile 98, would you turn back?  I answered, along with others, 'No.'   I hadn't forgotten anything, I told myself.  I silently went down the list, checking things off.  Exercise, check, Healthy choices, check.  Losing weight, check.  Healthier, check.  Emotions.....wait what?

Among the sights and sounds, possibly that bright spot light, I forgot to give my emotions some attention. I thought my emotions would change on their own and fall in line with everything else. Wrong.  I dealt with the physical part of losing weight.  The food part of losing weight.  But not emotional.   I should have been able to deal with them.  I just kept thinking, they'll work themselves out.  But an exchange was happening.  The old emotions were being exchanged for not better ones, just different ones.

With this new journey I am embarking on, I have a check list, an itinerary.  Yes, I stumbled and am getting back up.  And while I'll probably race to the finish line with regards to getting back to that number I like looking at so much, this time it's about the mind.  This journey is not without its struggles.

These last few months were very difficult for me.  Besides the struggles of getting back to my goal weight, I was dealing with not working, and other personal issues.  How was I supposed to now deal with the mental aspect of the improved me?

Just months prior, I had shed the extra weight that sheltered me for the last 20 years.  I may be on this new journey for quite some time.  I'll probably enlist an "army" to come along with me.  I know that it will not be over night that I will no longer hear the negative thoughts.  I know that I won't immediately look in the mirror (with just a towel wrapped around me) and just gush over the healthier me.  

For some, the mental preparation of losing weight may start years before.  For me, I had to think fast. I associate my journey with that of a girlfriend surprising me with a trip and I had only 5 minutes to pack a bag.  How do you prepare for that?  So I am doing it backwards you could say.

I have a feeling this journey will be just as interesting, fun filled, lessons abound, and with a wonderful final destination.  

Sometimes you have to be the Little Engine that Could

"It was a good day, maybe even a great day.......I was the me in my head.  There was a moment when I thought I can't do this, I can't do this alone but I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it and I did.  I blocked out the fear and did it."

My apologies for this wide gap between posts.  There were so many things going on and my blog got sidelined.  Thank you for holding out and knowing I would eventually put thoughts on the screen again.  I was finally rescued from the job market and started a new job about a month ago.  I can't believe it's already been a month!  When I was just about to circle the drain, I was offered a job and to finally get back to normal.  But what is normal?

For the last several months, my "good" or "great" days were few and far between.  I was at home A LOT and while at home, what do you do?  Well, okay maybe not what do you do but what do you WANT to do?  Snack.  I seem to be at a point where I'm losing the same 5-7 pounds over and over.  

One morning, a light bulb went off in my head.  I let the heat/humidity make my decisions when it came to my walking.  I knew I could walk 5 miles to get my steps in for the day, but I stopped after that.  Why let the heat/humidity stop me?  Why let it dictate how much I walk?  So I challenged myself to walk my 10 miles.  I was successful a handful of times.  I considered those great days.  And I when I stepped on scale, losing those 5-7 pounds again, it was a great day.  I also realized just because I was home all day didn't mean I couldn't eat my salads.  I started prepping them and eating a salad at lunch and it tasted so good.  

As you know and I have confessed, I gained 20 pounds, thereabouts.  I have been trying to lose it since, gosh, probably March.  Yeah! That far back, but at that time, it was only about 15.  I so want to get back to that wonderful number.  I tell myself that I can do it.  Losing 20 pounds should be nothing to me.  After losing the weight I have, well, I shouldn't have let myself gain so early in this journey of mine.  I find myself being more comfortable around food.  Not sure if I mentioned this before.  I may have in person to some of you.  My A1C and sugars are well controlled and although the fear of putting on any more weight is still there, I have relaxed......well, maybe not relaxed like in your world.  But in mine, I have.  

I have tried to get my mind back in the "from the beginning" mindset.  Starting over.  Back to basics. I have a good few days or enough to see a loss.  I've had a few addictions/obsessions.  The addiction to Chex mix disappeared thank goodness!  Lately it was peanuts and chocolate.  Stopped eating the peanuts and I think the chocolate chip thing has ended.  Instead of telling myself I can do this, I feel like I should cite the quote from The Little Engine that Could.  I think I can.  I think I can.  Until I see a movement in the right direction.  A bigger movement than just the same 5-7 pounds.  

This 100 mile journey of mine has turned off in other directions.  There are more hills and divots...big divots.  I am still battling with the mental aspect.  It didn't really help that I bottomed out with other personal issues.  I suppose I should be proud that I didn't throw up my hands and fall prey to the large pizza, or Cheese doodles.   

I think everyone that decides to take the weight loss journey has their own potholes and divots.  There are some that I am unable to avoid.  Then there are those I know where they are and I avoid them altogether.  For example, it seems Halo Top ice cream has found a home with Weight Watchers fans, among other food finds.  I chose not to join the fan club.  For one, I don't feel like paying $6 for a pint of ice cream.  Second, eating the ice cream would bring back something that I have chosen to leave at the curb. Which brings me to a conversation a Weight Watcher friend and I had the other day.

She was telling me about the hills and valleys she was experiencing.  I offered an idea that it sounded like she was becoming comfortable with food just like I did.  She agreed.  Then we started talking about dessert.  Theory is that 3-4 bites should be enough.  And while that is true, my mind, like others on the weight loss journey, struggles with that concept.  My mind still wants to eat the entire dessert. So for that reason, I choose to leave any dessert at the curb as well.  But if I am presented with a situation, I will just chant my Little Engine that Could song.  I think I can, I think I can.  

So what does it take?!  Maybe I need to close my eyes and relive that moment of me reaching that goal.  Close my eyes and relive running cross the finish line at the half marathon.  Close my eyes and imagining reaching that number again.  Block out any fear of numbers going up and just do it!  That is what Nike does right?! I did it once before...from such a faraway place.  I'm just a few miles from home now.

So I leave you with two things.  First, I have been encouraged by my Weight Watcher leader to try once again and submit my success story to Weight Watchers.  People magazine is doing their Half Their Size edition.  So I'm tweaking my story and getting pictures together.  We'll see....this could be all part of the plan....you know the plan!  ;)

Here's a funny to start your week.  So I walked with a new buddy Saturday morning.  I met her in the complex and she likes to run/walk.  We agreed to meet at 7 in the morning to walk.  I meet her at the stairs and she asks how far I'd already walked.  I looked at her and just laughed then whispered 4 miles.  I told her I was surprised she knew to ask that.  She knew I would walk before walking with her.  I guess I am just that predictable!