I should be happy about this but I'm more anxious than I was the first time I reached Lifetime status. Sunday I landed in Lifetime again...and for the last time. These 30 pounds were the hardest to lose than the initial 200 that ushered me in Lifetime, awarding me a little gold key. Thirty pounds of boyfriend weight, emotional/stress induced eating, plus just plain boredom. The boyfriends went away yet the weight remained. I was eventually employed but the weight from being home and stressed was still there. I'd tell myself I was working at it, but I was eating things I shouldn't. And not tracking them.
So as I stepped on the scale and the weigh in lady told me I was back to Lifetime, part of me was elated. The other part, well, anxiety and fear started to set in. And so early. Those emotions didn't even wait till I got home.
After the meeting I did what I always do; that is walk my 5 miles. I walked a new trail due to the waterway being otherwise used. It was the hardest 4.5 miles in a long time. But these walks are what keep me where I am. So I made it back to Lifetime and got my teeth worked on. All they needed was a deep cleaning. So I can actually eat things other than a soft diet. So, the real work, the hard work, begins. Balance. I still wobble and feel like I'm going to fall off and end up where I was just a month or so after I finished my half marathon. I wasn't even at my goal the first time a MONTH before I let life take over. Intervene. It somewhat sabotaged the wise choices I needed to make.
Balance. If you know me personally (as a person, in real life) you may know that I go with gusto towards everything. It's go big or go home. How am I supposed to continue doing what I'm doing - 5 mile walks, yoga, watching what I eat, tracking everything, warding off negative thoughts, insecure thoughts - and still live life? Maybe it's not supposed to happen right away. Baby steps. Ha! I've never been one to take baby steps. Before, dating was a factor in the weight finding its "weigh" back; as of now, there aren't any prospects to hinder my success at balancing. What do I try first? Compromising. Meeting friends. Loosen the rigidity. I have no clue. For the better part of my existence, I shielded myself from any of that. Stayed home. Ate. Now, at 46 I feel like I have a brand new start. It's overwhelming.
Maybe not today. You find out who your friends are eventually. I opened up to my WW buddy (and #solesister) how my feelings were hurt by something my neighbors commented on. She offered to go out with me. Saying it's probably best to associate with like minded people. And while one twin (I'm Gemini) thought that was awesome, the sensible one crushed the idea. Envisioning something in the head often doesn't happen the exact way in life. I envisioned going out, not letting the loud people, the crowds, insecure thoughts get to me.
I realize there's no end because this is the lifestyle I chose. Healthier lifestyle. A lifestyle free of processed foods, junk foods, grease laden large pizzas. I chose to have normal blood pressure, normal range sugars. Balance. Real work. Maintenance. Hard work. But after the storm I have walked through, I have faith that with my awesome supporters and determination, I will stay at goal. Or at least not wobble too far away.
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