Minds.....and thoughts.....can always be changed

Women seem to get joked about when it comes to changing their minds.  We can never settle on one decision.  And that a man's thoughts go in straight lines in his mind.  Whereas a woman's thoughts are like spaghetti and never follow a straight line.  Maybe so, but we seem to have done well for ourselves so far.  

When I started my weight loss journey in 2014, I had no idea what path I embarked on.  No decisions were made, other than I had to lose weight if I wanted to get my diabetes under control.  No numbers were thought of.  Surprisingly no goals made ahead of time.  I took it as it came.  Awesome days/weeks, good days/weeks, not so good days/weeks.  And eventually I went from 375 lbs to 173 lbs in about a year and a half.  

I was learning how to change my eating and adjust to a healthier lifestyle.  I realized my health could no longer afford the pizzas, burgers, ice cream and junk food I once ate.  If I wanted to live into my golden years, I needed to make some changes.  In order to find things that worked best, I changed up what I ate, what activity I did.  

Those changes, for the most part, stayed true through the entire journey.  Along the way I was known to change my mind about this weight loss of mine.  I changed what I ate.  I changed how many miles I walked.  I changed how I looked at things.  All for the better.  The changes seemed to work and afforded me to reach my weight loss goal in 2015.  

That was five years ago.  Since then, there have been five years of changes.  Changes in thought and actions. Life changes.  When I reached my weight loss goal and reached a weight I hadn't seen since high school, or for that matter junior high, I thought I would be at that weight for the rest of my life.  I proclaimed the weight would never come back on.  I was going to remain at this number and would continue to wear a size 12.  Experience new things with this new weight of mine. 

Over the last five years, my mind and body have battled to find a neutral space and be on the same page.  My mind wants to get back to the number I reached in 2015.  The number I once called happy weight.  My body is struggling to get there.  I almost got there in 2017-2018 but it was short lived.  I changed things around in hopes that it would kick start something.  My body seemed to be stubborn.  

So 2020 is preparing to go out with a bang.  It was a tough year for sure.  Instead of getting tough and working to lose the weight, I went through a period of feeling abandoned.  The constants I relied on were gone.  One thing I have learned the last 6-7 years is that I cannot remain successful on my own.  I need that accountability.  I have gained some of the weight back.  And for me, one who adamantly proclaimed it wouldn't come back, is saddened.  Sure, I could blame several issues. But it's all on me.  

So, I did some thinking and once again, made some changes.  I am slowly working back to getting 4-5 miles done in the morning.  Five miles might be a stretch with a time issue, but I can do 4 miles.  I also had a conversation with my body.  It reminded me that my body is 4-5 years older.  I will turn 50 in 2021.  Maybe my body can't successfully sustain a weight like I reached in 2015.  

I asked my doctor if we could go back to my original weight goal.  The one I reached on Father's day in 2015.  It was somewhat of a hard decision to come to.  But, it's a better, easy to reach, number.  One that I believe I can maintain.  Once I reach it, I can always lose a little more.  

It may take me all of 2021 to reach this modified goal, but it'll be a little less stressful.  Doesn't mean I won't change things up.  Nothing changes except what has to.  It's trial and error.  My doctor once told me that what worked before won't work now.  

Hopefully six months from now - maybe 9, I'll be back saying that I finally reached goal weight and redeemed my lifetime status.  

Of course, I'll do it with Glitter All the Weigh! 

Happy New Year!

Help! I've been kidnapped!

I have been kidnapped.  Kidnapped by the former version of me. She's like a relative or friend overstaying their welcome.  No ransom has been specified yet. For the last two or three years, I've been working on getting back to my happy number.  That number that had me jumping up and down.  The number that made giggle when I shopped for clothes.  That number that made me feel good about myself.  Confident.  Accomplished.  

As with an obstacle course, the obstacles get more challenging over time.  First one was the toxic job environment; finally cleared.  Second was this pandemic.  If I had been smart, I should have stayed on course, and could have, would have, lost weight.  But as we know, all things can't be easy.  

During, and after, my weight loss, I realized the truly hardest part of losing weight was not completely changing my lifestyle.  It's not about saying goodbye to fast food, junk food, or sugar.  It's managing not only the reactions from family and friends, but of my own emotions.  I began walking half marathons every day, while my family and friends were dealing with a huge adjustment.  

It feels like I am on this moving track that goes in circles.  I see the same things over and over again. But also on this track are reminders of what I was when I was at that happy number, just as reminders of the person I was at 375 lbs.  I can't seem to get off this moving track.  

"You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it."

This track also has some speed bumps or roadblocks.  Where or where is that Easy button everyone talks about.  Even the flattest courses can have obstacles.  

I want the version of me that religiously watched what she ate, leaving out chocolate, sweets, fast food, etc.  I want the version of me that laughed in the face of a challenge.  She somehow became lost.

Lost in the negative talk.  Lost in the feeling of insecurity.  Lost in the feeling of the unknown.  It was as if I was going in reverse.  Those deep rooted emotions from being overweight bubbled up to the surface.  

When I reach my goal weight, I swore to myself it would never come back on.  I wanted to be as far from 375 lbs as I could.  But something happened in the year or so after I reached that goal I thought I'd never reach.  Life happened.  Yep.  The ins and outs of every day life.  Jobs.  Socializing.  And stress.  Rejection yet again.  And before I knew it, some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose found its way back.  Like an unwanted neighbor.  

Everything I worked so hard for and changed seemed to unravel.  Yes I was doing things I hadn't thought of doing even 4 years ago, but my confidence started to wane.   I no longer went after things with gusto.  Giving up sounded easier.  

I've always said there's a special club for those that lose over 200 lbs.  If you think about it, that's an entire person.   And I believe for the weight loss to be truly successful, and as weird as this may sound, I believe grieving for the former version of me was crucial.   To get that closure, which apparently I have yet to have.  

I just can't seem to break free of invisible restraints to get back to the person I want to be.  I've always said getting the right mindset after losing the weight and reaching goal is just as important as the physicality.  It's as if the overweight version and the thin version are battling it out.  And right now, the overweight version seems to be winning.  It's a tough game to play and rules seem to change every day.  I won at it once and aim to win at it again.  Hoping sooner than later I can give my kidnapper the boot for good.

Of course doing this with glitter all the weigh!

Christina 

Creating Balance and Routine admidst crazy times

"Balance is not something you find, it's something you create."

Hello fellow hunker downers.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think 2020 is the plague?  I feel like the memes circulating social media....throwing up a tree and drinking a little champagne and calling it a year.  Whew!  For someone that has anxiety and is not amenable to change (most of the time), this hiccup has been the worst.  I was already above goal and not having much success getting it off then we all had to become "hunker downers."  Workouts went virtual, only thing left in the grocery store was protein bars, cookies, and wine, and those that liked running with someone were forced to do it alone.  

I began to feel like I was "forced" to face this weight gain head on. One of my constants, Weight Watchers, had also shuttered, leaving us to "weigh on our own."  Uh, okay.  I almost felt like I was left behind.  If I could do this on my own, there wouldn't have been the hospital visit, diagnoses of diabetes, and hard work.  If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have weighed in at 375 lbs in November of 2013.   Yet here I was almost symbolically throwing in the towel.  And as stupid as it was, came up with excuses.  I have at least 3 months since they extended the virtual meetings another month.  I'll start Monday.  This would be much better if my treadmill worked or the apartment would open up their fitness room.  If it rains, I have no way of getting my walk in.  And it goes and goes.

I somehow let the 375 lb me sneak in.  She somehow got to the front of the line and ahead of the version I was trying to channel.  The version that religiously followed the Weight Watchers program.  The version that stuck to menus and chose not to eat certain things.  The version that worked so hard to get to where I am today.  Where is that girl?  

I was reminiscing while looking back at my old blog posts.  I embraced this whirlwind lifestyle.  I embraced changing my eating habits to become healthier.  Learning to enjoy fitness and activities.  I somehow lost that feeling in the last few years.  I realize it's all me.  Sure job loss, then a stressful job, then the shutdown may have contributed to this weight gain, I know it's all me.  It was ME who decided to stroll down the aisles with candy, cookies, and chocolate.  It was ME who sat on the couch and ate.  No one else.  But yet, I was still making excuses.  

As time has progressed and little by little life is returning to some sense of 2020 BC (or for that matter 2019 BC) [do I have to spell out what BC is - Before Covid], I was anxious to get back outside for boot camp, meet new people in the running club I just joined, and get back the life I had.  But I realized when I stepped back outside to get those Camp Gladiator modified burpees or high knees done, the 375 lb version held me back.  

 Fear. That is what fueled me before.  It was fear that had me crying when I stepped on the scale when I walked in Weight Watchers the first time.  Fear.  Once I reached a goal I thought was unattainable, I feared the weight would slowly make its way back on.  Fear succeeded and it did.  Fear.  I can't create a balance with fear.  I know, I know.  Live life without worrying about the scale, yada yada.  That's not the way I roll.  When I was knocking out half marathons most days, people would be in awe of what I did.  I once told a friend that at the end of the day I want to know I've done everything I can not to have the weight come back on.  Where is that person?!  

It's a process I know.  And while I appreciate the encouraging comments that I can do this, people have seen me do it before, sometimes I'd rather wave a wand and it magically go away.  I'd like to wave a wand and have 2020 start over.  Sigh.  So I have a few things to do.  Try to get the version back that was all in at the start.  The version who laughed in the face of fear.  The version who embraced obstacles.  Just promise me, when I get back there and back to my goal and happy number, there'll be a glittery finish line!  

How are you surviving 2020 so far?  We can do this.  On the other side of this dark side is a rainbow.   A glittery rainbow.