"Balance is not something you find, it's something you create."
Hello fellow hunker downers. Is it just me, or does anyone else think 2020 is the plague? I feel like the memes circulating social media....throwing up a tree and drinking a little champagne and calling it a year. Whew! For someone that has anxiety and is not amenable to change (most of the time), this hiccup has been the worst. I was already above goal and not having much success getting it off then we all had to become "hunker downers." Workouts went virtual, only thing left in the grocery store was protein bars, cookies, and wine, and those that liked running with someone were forced to do it alone.
I began to feel like I was "forced" to face this weight gain head on. One of my constants, Weight Watchers, had also shuttered, leaving us to "weigh on our own." Uh, okay. I almost felt like I was left behind. If I could do this on my own, there wouldn't have been the hospital visit, diagnoses of diabetes, and hard work. If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have weighed in at 375 lbs in November of 2013. Yet here I was almost symbolically throwing in the towel. And as stupid as it was, came up with excuses. I have at least 3 months since they extended the virtual meetings another month. I'll start Monday. This would be much better if my treadmill worked or the apartment would open up their fitness room. If it rains, I have no way of getting my walk in. And it goes and goes.
I somehow let the 375 lb me sneak in. She somehow got to the front of the line and ahead of the version I was trying to channel. The version that religiously followed the Weight Watchers program. The version that stuck to menus and chose not to eat certain things. The version that worked so hard to get to where I am today. Where is that girl?
I was reminiscing while looking back at my old blog posts. I embraced this whirlwind lifestyle. I embraced changing my eating habits to become healthier. Learning to enjoy fitness and activities. I somehow lost that feeling in the last few years. I realize it's all me. Sure job loss, then a stressful job, then the shutdown may have contributed to this weight gain, I know it's all me. It was ME who decided to stroll down the aisles with candy, cookies, and chocolate. It was ME who sat on the couch and ate. No one else. But yet, I was still making excuses.
As time has progressed and little by little life is returning to some sense of 2020 BC (or for that matter 2019 BC) [do I have to spell out what BC is - Before Covid], I was anxious to get back outside for boot camp, meet new people in the running club I just joined, and get back the life I had. But I realized when I stepped back outside to get those Camp Gladiator modified burpees or high knees done, the 375 lb version held me back.
Fear. That is what fueled me before. It was fear that had me crying when I stepped on the scale when I walked in Weight Watchers the first time. Fear. Once I reached a goal I thought was unattainable, I feared the weight would slowly make its way back on. Fear succeeded and it did. Fear. I can't create a balance with fear. I know, I know. Live life without worrying about the scale, yada yada. That's not the way I roll. When I was knocking out half marathons most days, people would be in awe of what I did. I once told a friend that at the end of the day I want to know I've done everything I can not to have the weight come back on. Where is that person?!
It's a process I know. And while I appreciate the encouraging comments that I can do this, people have seen me do it before, sometimes I'd rather wave a wand and it magically go away. I'd like to wave a wand and have 2020 start over. Sigh. So I have a few things to do. Try to get the version back that was all in at the start. The version who laughed in the face of fear. The version who embraced obstacles. Just promise me, when I get back there and back to my goal and happy number, there'll be a glittery finish line!
How are you surviving 2020 so far? We can do this. On the other side of this dark side is a rainbow. A glittery rainbow.
I somehow let the 375 lb me sneak in. She somehow got to the front of the line and ahead of the version I was trying to channel. The version that religiously followed the Weight Watchers program. The version that stuck to menus and chose not to eat certain things. The version that worked so hard to get to where I am today. Where is that girl?
I was reminiscing while looking back at my old blog posts. I embraced this whirlwind lifestyle. I embraced changing my eating habits to become healthier. Learning to enjoy fitness and activities. I somehow lost that feeling in the last few years. I realize it's all me. Sure job loss, then a stressful job, then the shutdown may have contributed to this weight gain, I know it's all me. It was ME who decided to stroll down the aisles with candy, cookies, and chocolate. It was ME who sat on the couch and ate. No one else. But yet, I was still making excuses.
As time has progressed and little by little life is returning to some sense of 2020 BC (or for that matter 2019 BC) [do I have to spell out what BC is - Before Covid], I was anxious to get back outside for boot camp, meet new people in the running club I just joined, and get back the life I had. But I realized when I stepped back outside to get those Camp Gladiator modified burpees or high knees done, the 375 lb version held me back.
Fear. That is what fueled me before. It was fear that had me crying when I stepped on the scale when I walked in Weight Watchers the first time. Fear. Once I reached a goal I thought was unattainable, I feared the weight would slowly make its way back on. Fear succeeded and it did. Fear. I can't create a balance with fear. I know, I know. Live life without worrying about the scale, yada yada. That's not the way I roll. When I was knocking out half marathons most days, people would be in awe of what I did. I once told a friend that at the end of the day I want to know I've done everything I can not to have the weight come back on. Where is that person?!
It's a process I know. And while I appreciate the encouraging comments that I can do this, people have seen me do it before, sometimes I'd rather wave a wand and it magically go away. I'd like to wave a wand and have 2020 start over. Sigh. So I have a few things to do. Try to get the version back that was all in at the start. The version who laughed in the face of fear. The version who embraced obstacles. Just promise me, when I get back there and back to my goal and happy number, there'll be a glittery finish line!
How are you surviving 2020 so far? We can do this. On the other side of this dark side is a rainbow. A glittery rainbow.
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