As I was trying to think of a quote to start out this blog, I clicked on You Tube. You Tube suggests videos for you to watch. I like the singer Sara Bareilles and her song Brave. But there is song by her that just spoke to me and helped me inspire to write this blog. You can watch and listen to it here: Used to Be Mine
I went to pieces last week when I put on just .4 lbs. Not sure why I went to pieces and wanted to thrown in the towel......oh wait, yes I do. Besides the Visitor being here, that .4 was just what I needed to cry and pout and maybe resign myself that I will never get back to my goal weight. I stood there trying to listen to the leader who was trying so hard to comfort and encourage me. Maybe the scale was trying to tell me this is where I needed to be....needed to stop. I know it should be about more than just that black and white number on the scale, but it will always be a number to me.
People may not understand why I get up with the chickens to get my 10,000 steps in before work. I had a friend of mine comment that the 13 miles (average) I used to walk daily was insane. My response to him was I do it so at the end of the day I know I've done everything I can to prevent the weight (however small it might be) from creeping back on.
I know there are some that don't truly understand why I don't eat certain things. I gave up many things when I was diagnosed diabetic and doing without them just became habit. The vices I once had (the Diet Cokes, pizza, chips, etc.) are now replaced with healthier vices. I do my best to eat cleanly and my vices now are apples and berries. I realize we're supposed to indulge a little; have that ice cream or a pizza if we want. That is what some do not understand about me. There is a logical reason. I choose not to eat those things because they are triggers for me. That's why I don't eat cookies (try my best not to), cake, or candy. If I have ONE cookie, I'll want another because one cookie is lonely without a mate. So if I have 2, why not make it a triple.......you get the picture. An example, the basket of overflowing leftover Halloween candy a few weeks ago at the office......I thought I could have a small box of Nerds candies. I had one, then two, then two became three.
When I reached goal and then received the lifetime status, I wanted that weight to be so far gone it would disappear in the distance. I think I will always have THAT fear of it coming back. I realize it's supposed to "beyond the scale" and while this is a process, I wish people would understand that, to me, just a 5 pound gain scares me to death. It means it's 5 pounds closer to a number I don't want. And if I'm closer to a number fear, that means, all 375 pounds creeping back on is not far behind.
That most days I don't recognize me.......It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be.....I still remember that girl.....She is gone but she used to be mine....It's not what I asked for....
I know the the eyebrows are furrowing and thinking, she didn't ask to lose weight? There are STILL days I wake up and after I get dressed don't even recognize me. But when a few pounds come back, I am reminded of the girl I used to be. It's a frightening thing. It's hard to understand unless one has experienced it for themselves. What I didn't ask for was all the difficulties of maintaining this weight, the psychology of it all. I know it comes with the territory, just wish it was easier. But then again, life is not always fair....but that's another blog for another day.
She is imperfect, but she tries......she is good but she lies.......she is hard on herself....she is broken and won't ask for help.....she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie. A healthy pie!
There are days I don't track EVERYTHING I stick in my mouth. I am way too hard on myself. If I don't get my 5-6 miles in (or my 10,000 steps) I feel unproductive. But that's what makes everyone unique. The way a weight loss journey is handled. And it helps if it's understood by people and like my non-existent dating life, if they just nod and say okay.
Have a great week! Oh, update: When I weighed in this past week, I lost 2.2 lbs. Bust through that number I was stuck on. Now if I can keep the momentum to reach the goal by the new year!
Christina
People may not understand why I get up with the chickens to get my 10,000 steps in before work. I had a friend of mine comment that the 13 miles (average) I used to walk daily was insane. My response to him was I do it so at the end of the day I know I've done everything I can to prevent the weight (however small it might be) from creeping back on.
I know there are some that don't truly understand why I don't eat certain things. I gave up many things when I was diagnosed diabetic and doing without them just became habit. The vices I once had (the Diet Cokes, pizza, chips, etc.) are now replaced with healthier vices. I do my best to eat cleanly and my vices now are apples and berries. I realize we're supposed to indulge a little; have that ice cream or a pizza if we want. That is what some do not understand about me. There is a logical reason. I choose not to eat those things because they are triggers for me. That's why I don't eat cookies (try my best not to), cake, or candy. If I have ONE cookie, I'll want another because one cookie is lonely without a mate. So if I have 2, why not make it a triple.......you get the picture. An example, the basket of overflowing leftover Halloween candy a few weeks ago at the office......I thought I could have a small box of Nerds candies. I had one, then two, then two became three.
When I reached goal and then received the lifetime status, I wanted that weight to be so far gone it would disappear in the distance. I think I will always have THAT fear of it coming back. I realize it's supposed to "beyond the scale" and while this is a process, I wish people would understand that, to me, just a 5 pound gain scares me to death. It means it's 5 pounds closer to a number I don't want. And if I'm closer to a number fear, that means, all 375 pounds creeping back on is not far behind.
That most days I don't recognize me.......It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be.....I still remember that girl.....She is gone but she used to be mine....It's not what I asked for....
I know the the eyebrows are furrowing and thinking, she didn't ask to lose weight? There are STILL days I wake up and after I get dressed don't even recognize me. But when a few pounds come back, I am reminded of the girl I used to be. It's a frightening thing. It's hard to understand unless one has experienced it for themselves. What I didn't ask for was all the difficulties of maintaining this weight, the psychology of it all. I know it comes with the territory, just wish it was easier. But then again, life is not always fair....but that's another blog for another day.
She is imperfect, but she tries......she is good but she lies.......she is hard on herself....she is broken and won't ask for help.....she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie. A healthy pie!
There are days I don't track EVERYTHING I stick in my mouth. I am way too hard on myself. If I don't get my 5-6 miles in (or my 10,000 steps) I feel unproductive. But that's what makes everyone unique. The way a weight loss journey is handled. And it helps if it's understood by people and like my non-existent dating life, if they just nod and say okay.
Have a great week! Oh, update: When I weighed in this past week, I lost 2.2 lbs. Bust through that number I was stuck on. Now if I can keep the momentum to reach the goal by the new year!
Christina
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