What comfort zone?!

"The miracle isn't that I finished.  

The miracle is that I had the courage to start." 

It's the time of year when men and women take to the streets to run their hearts out.  Some to set PRs (personal records), some to qualify for Boston Marathon, and others to just cross something off their bucket list.   It's time I set my eyes on a bigger mountain.  

I remember my first half marathon in March of 2016.  I made lifetime in January reaching my goal weight and losing 202 lbs.  I was already walking 10+ miles a day so was conditioned to run/walk the 13.1 miles.  Not sure what spurred me to sign up for the race.  My devoted running/walking buddy said she'd do it with me so I thought, why not?  It was AMAZING!  From the spectators, fellow runners, and the finish line, of course.  At mile 9 I remember crying professing my exhaustion.  My friend reminded me that I could do the last 4 miles in my sleep.  We were running intervals to reserve our energy to run across the elusive finish line.   As we approached the last turn and heard the crowds and announcer, I couldn't believe it.  I was going to finish my first half marathon.  We sprinted across it, our finish time just under 3 hours.  

There is something empowering, thrilling and indescribable running across the finish line, receiving a medal of a job well done.  Bananas were gone, but I didn't care.  I accomplished something that I NEVER thought or imagined doing.  From weighing 375 lbs., losing 202 of them, to finishing 13.1 miles.  Yep, empowering and indescribable.

In 2018, I decided to enter The Woodlands Half Marathon again.  This time, I had more training to do.  Gone were the 10 mile days.  Another friend said she'd do it with me.  Her first, my second.   To congregate among runners (both seasoned and new) was still exciting.  Our finish time was a little over 3 hours (due to me waiting on my friend...I was not about to let her finish alone).  Tears filled my eyes along the course as strangers shouted my name with encouragement.  And as I approached the finish line, more friends held signs with pink glitter praising a job well done.  

I recount this because they are experiences I will not forget.  Three years passed before I signed up again.  I volunteered at the 2020 The Woodlands Marathon.  There is something motivating and inspiring about being at the finish line.  So when registration for 2021 opened I immediately signed up for my 3rd half marathon, not realizing what the year held.  Due to the events of the year, and my anxiety, I decided to go virtual for this one.  On my own time, my own course.  I have not been in the best shape and feared I wouldn't finish in time.  Fearing I would have to do it alone, I prepared myself.  Thirteen miles of self reflection.  But I had a friend do it with me and she made sure I finished.  Receiving the medal in the mail was just as rewarding.  This time even more so.  Three half marathons under my belt.  

I also joined a running club. I didn't know the first thing about joining a running club but I was following someone on Instagram who encouraged me to join.  I joined during the wildest of years.  Races in 2020 were canceled.  But things are slowly returning.  Recently I embarked on a secret project if you will.  Working to strengthen what I already have.  To go beyond what I do.  I can no longer see my comfort zone.  And I like it.   I can only imagine what's in store for me.  My mind seems to be shifting more towards staying/being healthier, leaner, in better shape.  Don't get me wrong, I still care about the number on the scale.  Maybe not just as much.  

"I didn't come this far to only come this far.  I came this far so I could be strong enough to go further!  I would be good enough to push myself harder!  I'm only getting started...

This is just the beginning."

Minds.....and thoughts.....can always be changed

Women seem to get joked about when it comes to changing their minds.  We can never settle on one decision.  And that a man's thoughts go in straight lines in his mind.  Whereas a woman's thoughts are like spaghetti and never follow a straight line.  Maybe so, but we seem to have done well for ourselves so far.  

When I started my weight loss journey in 2014, I had no idea what path I embarked on.  No decisions were made, other than I had to lose weight if I wanted to get my diabetes under control.  No numbers were thought of.  Surprisingly no goals made ahead of time.  I took it as it came.  Awesome days/weeks, good days/weeks, not so good days/weeks.  And eventually I went from 375 lbs to 173 lbs in about a year and a half.  

I was learning how to change my eating and adjust to a healthier lifestyle.  I realized my health could no longer afford the pizzas, burgers, ice cream and junk food I once ate.  If I wanted to live into my golden years, I needed to make some changes.  In order to find things that worked best, I changed up what I ate, what activity I did.  

Those changes, for the most part, stayed true through the entire journey.  Along the way I was known to change my mind about this weight loss of mine.  I changed what I ate.  I changed how many miles I walked.  I changed how I looked at things.  All for the better.  The changes seemed to work and afforded me to reach my weight loss goal in 2015.  

That was five years ago.  Since then, there have been five years of changes.  Changes in thought and actions. Life changes.  When I reached my weight loss goal and reached a weight I hadn't seen since high school, or for that matter junior high, I thought I would be at that weight for the rest of my life.  I proclaimed the weight would never come back on.  I was going to remain at this number and would continue to wear a size 12.  Experience new things with this new weight of mine. 

Over the last five years, my mind and body have battled to find a neutral space and be on the same page.  My mind wants to get back to the number I reached in 2015.  The number I once called happy weight.  My body is struggling to get there.  I almost got there in 2017-2018 but it was short lived.  I changed things around in hopes that it would kick start something.  My body seemed to be stubborn.  

So 2020 is preparing to go out with a bang.  It was a tough year for sure.  Instead of getting tough and working to lose the weight, I went through a period of feeling abandoned.  The constants I relied on were gone.  One thing I have learned the last 6-7 years is that I cannot remain successful on my own.  I need that accountability.  I have gained some of the weight back.  And for me, one who adamantly proclaimed it wouldn't come back, is saddened.  Sure, I could blame several issues. But it's all on me.  

So, I did some thinking and once again, made some changes.  I am slowly working back to getting 4-5 miles done in the morning.  Five miles might be a stretch with a time issue, but I can do 4 miles.  I also had a conversation with my body.  It reminded me that my body is 4-5 years older.  I will turn 50 in 2021.  Maybe my body can't successfully sustain a weight like I reached in 2015.  

I asked my doctor if we could go back to my original weight goal.  The one I reached on Father's day in 2015.  It was somewhat of a hard decision to come to.  But, it's a better, easy to reach, number.  One that I believe I can maintain.  Once I reach it, I can always lose a little more.  

It may take me all of 2021 to reach this modified goal, but it'll be a little less stressful.  Doesn't mean I won't change things up.  Nothing changes except what has to.  It's trial and error.  My doctor once told me that what worked before won't work now.  

Hopefully six months from now - maybe 9, I'll be back saying that I finally reached goal weight and redeemed my lifetime status.  

Of course, I'll do it with Glitter All the Weigh! 

Happy New Year!

Help! I've been kidnapped!

I have been kidnapped.  Kidnapped by the former version of me. She's like a relative or friend overstaying their welcome.  No ransom has been specified yet. For the last two or three years, I've been working on getting back to my happy number.  That number that had me jumping up and down.  The number that made giggle when I shopped for clothes.  That number that made me feel good about myself.  Confident.  Accomplished.  

As with an obstacle course, the obstacles get more challenging over time.  First one was the toxic job environment; finally cleared.  Second was this pandemic.  If I had been smart, I should have stayed on course, and could have, would have, lost weight.  But as we know, all things can't be easy.  

During, and after, my weight loss, I realized the truly hardest part of losing weight was not completely changing my lifestyle.  It's not about saying goodbye to fast food, junk food, or sugar.  It's managing not only the reactions from family and friends, but of my own emotions.  I began walking half marathons every day, while my family and friends were dealing with a huge adjustment.  

It feels like I am on this moving track that goes in circles.  I see the same things over and over again. But also on this track are reminders of what I was when I was at that happy number, just as reminders of the person I was at 375 lbs.  I can't seem to get off this moving track.  

"You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it."

This track also has some speed bumps or roadblocks.  Where or where is that Easy button everyone talks about.  Even the flattest courses can have obstacles.  

I want the version of me that religiously watched what she ate, leaving out chocolate, sweets, fast food, etc.  I want the version of me that laughed in the face of a challenge.  She somehow became lost.

Lost in the negative talk.  Lost in the feeling of insecurity.  Lost in the feeling of the unknown.  It was as if I was going in reverse.  Those deep rooted emotions from being overweight bubbled up to the surface.  

When I reach my goal weight, I swore to myself it would never come back on.  I wanted to be as far from 375 lbs as I could.  But something happened in the year or so after I reached that goal I thought I'd never reach.  Life happened.  Yep.  The ins and outs of every day life.  Jobs.  Socializing.  And stress.  Rejection yet again.  And before I knew it, some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose found its way back.  Like an unwanted neighbor.  

Everything I worked so hard for and changed seemed to unravel.  Yes I was doing things I hadn't thought of doing even 4 years ago, but my confidence started to wane.   I no longer went after things with gusto.  Giving up sounded easier.  

I've always said there's a special club for those that lose over 200 lbs.  If you think about it, that's an entire person.   And I believe for the weight loss to be truly successful, and as weird as this may sound, I believe grieving for the former version of me was crucial.   To get that closure, which apparently I have yet to have.  

I just can't seem to break free of invisible restraints to get back to the person I want to be.  I've always said getting the right mindset after losing the weight and reaching goal is just as important as the physicality.  It's as if the overweight version and the thin version are battling it out.  And right now, the overweight version seems to be winning.  It's a tough game to play and rules seem to change every day.  I won at it once and aim to win at it again.  Hoping sooner than later I can give my kidnapper the boot for good.

Of course doing this with glitter all the weigh!

Christina 

Creating Balance and Routine admidst crazy times

"Balance is not something you find, it's something you create."

Hello fellow hunker downers.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think 2020 is the plague?  I feel like the memes circulating social media....throwing up a tree and drinking a little champagne and calling it a year.  Whew!  For someone that has anxiety and is not amenable to change (most of the time), this hiccup has been the worst.  I was already above goal and not having much success getting it off then we all had to become "hunker downers."  Workouts went virtual, only thing left in the grocery store was protein bars, cookies, and wine, and those that liked running with someone were forced to do it alone.  

I began to feel like I was "forced" to face this weight gain head on. One of my constants, Weight Watchers, had also shuttered, leaving us to "weigh on our own."  Uh, okay.  I almost felt like I was left behind.  If I could do this on my own, there wouldn't have been the hospital visit, diagnoses of diabetes, and hard work.  If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have weighed in at 375 lbs in November of 2013.   Yet here I was almost symbolically throwing in the towel.  And as stupid as it was, came up with excuses.  I have at least 3 months since they extended the virtual meetings another month.  I'll start Monday.  This would be much better if my treadmill worked or the apartment would open up their fitness room.  If it rains, I have no way of getting my walk in.  And it goes and goes.

I somehow let the 375 lb me sneak in.  She somehow got to the front of the line and ahead of the version I was trying to channel.  The version that religiously followed the Weight Watchers program.  The version that stuck to menus and chose not to eat certain things.  The version that worked so hard to get to where I am today.  Where is that girl?  

I was reminiscing while looking back at my old blog posts.  I embraced this whirlwind lifestyle.  I embraced changing my eating habits to become healthier.  Learning to enjoy fitness and activities.  I somehow lost that feeling in the last few years.  I realize it's all me.  Sure job loss, then a stressful job, then the shutdown may have contributed to this weight gain, I know it's all me.  It was ME who decided to stroll down the aisles with candy, cookies, and chocolate.  It was ME who sat on the couch and ate.  No one else.  But yet, I was still making excuses.  

As time has progressed and little by little life is returning to some sense of 2020 BC (or for that matter 2019 BC) [do I have to spell out what BC is - Before Covid], I was anxious to get back outside for boot camp, meet new people in the running club I just joined, and get back the life I had.  But I realized when I stepped back outside to get those Camp Gladiator modified burpees or high knees done, the 375 lb version held me back.  

 Fear. That is what fueled me before.  It was fear that had me crying when I stepped on the scale when I walked in Weight Watchers the first time.  Fear.  Once I reached a goal I thought was unattainable, I feared the weight would slowly make its way back on.  Fear succeeded and it did.  Fear.  I can't create a balance with fear.  I know, I know.  Live life without worrying about the scale, yada yada.  That's not the way I roll.  When I was knocking out half marathons most days, people would be in awe of what I did.  I once told a friend that at the end of the day I want to know I've done everything I can not to have the weight come back on.  Where is that person?!  

It's a process I know.  And while I appreciate the encouraging comments that I can do this, people have seen me do it before, sometimes I'd rather wave a wand and it magically go away.  I'd like to wave a wand and have 2020 start over.  Sigh.  So I have a few things to do.  Try to get the version back that was all in at the start.  The version who laughed in the face of fear.  The version who embraced obstacles.  Just promise me, when I get back there and back to my goal and happy number, there'll be a glittery finish line!  

How are you surviving 2020 so far?  We can do this.  On the other side of this dark side is a rainbow.   A glittery rainbow. 

Rebuilding requires getting dirty

"There is nothing more powerful or radical or stunningly beautiful than a woman who chooses to rebuild her life day after day, after day.  No matter how many pieces there are to pick up, or how many mistakes she must spin into gold."   Carol Alwill Leyba

I've been on a very long hiatus.  It wasn't entirely intentional.  My life ended up taking a few twists and turns down paths I wasn't expecting.  My blog made its way to the back burner.

November marked six years since I initially walked through the Weight Watchers doors.  As I have chronicled many times, the journey has been a bit of a whirlwind and not without challenges.  This year's end finds me above goal again and it's been difficult returning to onderland.  To retaining the lifetime status. The status of being free and only required to weigh in once a month for it to count.  I've not wavered, thrown in the towel, or stopped going to meetings while working to get back to my goal weight.  Stress is an evil thing.  It comes in many forms and I probably have experienced all of them.  

The second time I go back to my goal weight should have served as a lesson.  I think I have admitted this before, but when I reached my goal weight in 2016, I thought I could handle this new lease on life.  Dining out?  I got this.  Handling maintenance?  No problem.  But it became a problem.  I went about my merry way, excited to be in a weight range I hadn't seen since probably high school.  Life weaseled its way in and set up shop.  And my former self showed up a time or two.  I didn't learn to handle stress, among other things.  I started 2018 at goal but I had a job where the stress grew little by little.  By March I was above goal again and it wasn't coming off as quickly as it did a year earlier.  

So here I am, ending 2019 once again trying to lose weight.  I do think about how far I've come yet the 25-30 lbs I packed on are just a big sore spot.  I guess because I worked so hard to lose the weight - in the end 202.6 pounds.  I told myself it was NEVER going back on.  I let myself down.  I went back on my own word.  

That is not to say that I am still somewhat disciplined about what I eat.  When I look at a nutritional label, I look at all numbers.  Fat, sodium, sugar, carbs, fiber, etc.   When I've become stagnate with the weight coming off, I've tried a few different things.  I got on the protein bar train, but in the end, I decided I can live without them.   I tried the Built Bars and again decided if I wasn't eating then before, why introduce them into my eating lifestyle because most Weight Watchers can't live without them.  

In September of this year I signed up for boot camp.  Camp Gladiator.  I have an awesome trainer.  And I'm proud of myself - and sometimes in awe - that I show up and power through each session.  I long to get back to the days where I walk close to 10 miles a day.  But a nasty tumble I took in January I think took care of that.  I hurt my knee and did something to it.  God was watching over me that cool January morning.  Walked away with a busted lip (badly) and injured knee.   Running for me was on the back burner.  I've introduced a little at a time lately.  I hate it that I'm limited to what I can do.  

I vow that 2020 will be my year.  I WILL get back to my happy weight goal.  What are your goals for 2020?  Have you started on New Years Resolutions?  I've started thinking about them.  

How will 2020 be your year?  One thing I know for sure, for me 2020 will be Glitter all the Weigh


Merry Christmas! 
Christina 

There comes a time.....

God says.... 
The things you've been through have taken something away.... You've lost some shine, you've lost some of your innocence, and along the way you've also lost YOU.  You don't do the things you love to do, you don't get excited the way you did in the old days.  But if you'll take My hand, I have a plan... I'm going to teach you how to WAR for your happiness, how to CONTEND for your joy.  Child, I'm going to show you how to INTERCEDE for our own soul.  And at the end of it all, you'll have your FIRE back.  Isaiah 43:19 

This blog has given me an outlet for expressing my thoughts about my weight loss journey. I was excited to write in the beginning. I gained followers and was once told this person felt as if she was having a conversation with me when she read the blog. Suddenly, I turned around and realized I haven’t kept it up as I once envisioned.

When I started losing the weight, forming new habits — drinking water, power walks, trying new activities, tracking, whatever it was that I felt was necessary to lose the weight — I was telling myself that this is something I will do for the rest of my life, not just a fast, temporary fix.

Like most people, I was going after the prize.... the goal weight. That magical number on the scale. That’s what I eventually focused on: I will get there, I will get there, I will get there. My problem was (and it took me awhile to realize this) never once did I ask myself, will I want to keep this up? Salads every day, power walking 5+ miles a day, tracking every day. I told myself, “I can keep this up.” And for the most part I did. Even after I reached that magical goal weight in 2016, losing a total of 202 lbs., I continued to walk those 5+ miles. Stayed away from unhealthy foods, continued to track what I ate.

These last 6-8 months have been a real struggle. After a long year I finally was back at my goal in February, which seems like a light year ago. Then it was as if a dark cloud hovered over me and some of what I lost found its way back....AGAIN. I can hear myself saying to the pounds lost when I reached that ultimate goal in 2016 - “You’re not coming back.” I didn’t hear the giggles at the time but they were there - saying “We’ll see.”

It’s those significant weight gains that are sometimes a sign of where I am emotionally. If I were thinking clearly (as in not listening to the former me), I’d see it as a siren, and also and a symptom of my imbalance. Often, I’ve eaten out of boredom or just because, or if I’ve become overwhelmed with some areas of my life (dating/relationship, work, comparing what I’m supposed to be doing with what I AM doing, how I might be letting people down, etc). In the back of my head I know that’s what I used to do before God’s intervention.

I want the person back who walked 10 miles/day - motivated, losing weight consistently. I know if I made it to that magical number once, I can do it again. People say they understand, but do they really? Each person conducts the journey as it suits them. They follow the program as it works for them. I’ve said this before - and it’s still mostly true. I don’t follow the program as the next person does.

My doctor recently suggested some changes. I reluctantly agreed - if I could eat my plain Greek yogurt with fruit instead of protein shakes. Not sure it has helped as the numbers on the scale have not moved much. 

For the most part, I eat healthy; fitness is a huge part of my life. So why am I not happy? I want to go after that prize again. I want to see the number go down on the scale. Weight Watchers recently changed their platform. Wellness. I do not adapt to change well. I suppose that’s why I worked hard and hurriedly got to goal before their changes in 2016. Most of my success was with the prior points programs. As most, I rely on Weight Watchers. It’s a well known fact, I can not do this weight loss successfully on my own. If I did, then I wouldn’t have walked through the Weight Watchers doors to begin with in November 2013.  

If I’m being honest, there has been a time or two I was sure I couldn’t make it through something — a breakup, job loss. And yet, I survived it. And yet, I didn’t eat my feelings through it. What makes it difficult/different this time?

I could blame the gain on many things. Changes in the Weight Watcher program, those evil days each month that sometimes come faster than you think or how society defines "athletic" or "toned." Where would that get me? I've always followed the Weight Watcher program differently than the next person.  Those evil days are going to come whether I like them to or not. Some months it's better than others. And no one is forcing me to listen to media outlets, social media posts, etc.

Maintaining has been very difficult. I mentioned in a post on my Glitter All the Weigh Facebook page, as with any addiction, the temptations will always be there.  It's my choice how I deal with them. The struggle will always be present but it's how much of a struggle I make it. I wrote about this balance thing a few posts back. I'm still wrestling with that too. How do you make it work?  If you lost your shine, how did you get it back?  

Embrace the glorious mess that you are!

Why is it so hard to love the glorious hot mess we are? I was going about my merry way when I received a text from a man I met online a couple of months prior. We talked and decided to meet for dinner. His idea of dinner – a couple of mojitos and appetizers. After the second time seeing each other (not truly getting to know one another), I receive the inevitable text saying he doesn’t think it’s going to work. At that moment, the other me waved hello. Th other fat me – the one I try so hard to banish from my life now.

While she sits and smiles holding a bag of chips, feelings of foolishness and not good enough set in. She’s winning. Ah – was it because I do not love myself and that’s why the “you are an incredible woman so don’t take it personally….” text lit up my phone?

I am growing weary of trying to balance this life of mine with the struggles of food addiction. I tend to think of myself as an oak tree. I have been through so many storms and I believe I am living proof of the quote “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Why can’t it help me love myself more? I’ve been told this and heard it more times than I can count. 

Is it because even after the success of losing the weight, remnants remain? The loose skin – e.g. angel wings; flabby stomach pooch. Fear of IT coming back. And when IT does (not matter how much), panic sets in. It does for me at least. I work out almost 7 days a week and even though I consider myself toned, it’s hidden under whatever remainder of what used to be.

That’s not to say I don’t have things I “love” about myself. But somehow it feels like I go in search of those things. I “love” that I no longer crave pizza or hamburgers. The fast food or frozen store-bought pizza. The friend hamburger patty. I “love” being open to trying new things – healthy active things. Although I’m still not sure about jicama. I love that I look forward to yoga on Monday nights – that is my happy hour. It’s a great way to end the first day of a new week. Or getting my morning walk in before the day even starts. Those things somehow give me a sense of accomplishment.

What does it truly mean to love one’s self? I find myself restless most times and find it hard to find peace within myself. This journey has a funny way of messing with your mind. In all ways. I am still judgmental of myself. Even after the pavement of the road is long behind me, I find it hard to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it is hard for me NOT to realize it’s not the fact I have a sagging stomach or wrinkly thighs or a muffin top that makes me who I am.

I will always have struggles. Struggles of making the wisest of food choices. Struggles of finding something healthy and feeling satisfied. Struggles of learning to love myself. Oh how I wish it were simpler. That I can wake up one day and feel the self-love everyone talks about. I can look in the mirror and like how I look in a sexy pair of panties. Or know I’m truly not the problem when I receive one of the many “you’re an incredible woman (you have great qualities), so don’t take it personally” texts.

How will you love yourself today? Someone recently told me to say this out loud ten times a day so I can hear myself say it: “I am worthy of (love happiness, etc.) I am deserving of (love, happiness, feeling content).”