Mirrors are a powerful thing! Sometimes for the good and other times for the bad. I stood in a dressing room over the weekend smiling at myself. I tried on a pair of pants and a top and as I looked in the mirror I thought to myself, “I look so skinny.” It was a wonderful feeling! There was a time when I dreaded the mirror. What am I saying?! There still ARE times I dread looking in the mirror.
Body image. Self-image. Words that can prompt negative feelings sometimes just as cruel words can do the same. It was not until I lost 100+, maybe more, that I realized I needed to work on accepting how my body looked. I needed to work on my self-image. Once dressed and ready for the day, when I looked in a mirror, I was able to smile. I was able to see the pretty woman who had been weighted down (no pun intended) with all those pounds and the heavy security blanket. But once I was undressed and headed for the shower, I saw a completely different person.
I saw a body with the left overs of losing such a large amount of weight. And as much as I hate to see that person in the mirror – the one without any clothes – I still stare at her. I will stand sideways to see how flat my stomach looks – much flatter than a year ago. The batwings underneath my arms are there and as ever prominent. These are war injuries, if you will, but also reminders of what I have done. The weight I have lost without any fad diets (the grapefruit before noon, the eat just meat, or a Subway sandwich every day), pills, or surgery. Don’t think at one time I pondered the option of surgery. Would any man be attracted to this body?
Learning to like the new and ever improving me has been a challenge. A challenge because I do not see what others see…..yet. I have a good friend who offered up this advice……”You should realize that there have been people that have seen you at any size any time, who probably said ‘Dang she’s hot!” He continued to say that no doubt would I get more attention as I lost weight. I do not know about that…..I still shield myself quite a bit.
What he said next rang true and just recently have I realized how true it is. It took him a long time after he lost his weight to see himself as a smaller person. It was not until he flew somewhere and was able to fit better in the seat that he felt smaller. I realized just how much smaller I was when I sat in my hairstylist’s chair and had room on each side. It was when, for the first time I can remember, a man called me good looking or beautiful. Sure my friends consistently reminded me of how beautiful I am, but it meant just a little more coming from a stranger.
Loving the new me will be an ongoing project. When I am dreading looking in the mirror I MUST remember how far I’ve come and how much better I feel. I MUST know that I am smiling for the first time in years. This new me did not reveal herself without hard work and determination. That I can be proud of and with time I will look forward to loving the new me. After I lost 125 lbs., I put these positive Post-it notes on the mirror.
What do you see when you look in the mirror? What would your Post-it notes say to make you smile? Don’t forget to join me in this new chapter and fantastical journey!
Next post……..stepping outside the box!
Christina
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