After all tomorrow is another day.......

"I can't think about that today.  I"ll think about that tomorrow.  After all tomorrow is another day." Ahh, our dear friend Scarlett.  The eternal southern girl, girlie girl, and sometimes downright vengeful.  But she is loved!  

I have said that too many times.  It's an easy thing to think and say.  I said it BWW (Before Weight Watchers) when I was heavier.  It was easy.  Saying "I'll think about that tomorrow" somehow let me off the hook of something staring me in the face.  It was sort of like a doctor's note saying it was okay to eat whatever I was going to eat.  

I still say it today.  And like before, it's when I've stumbled and been run off the main path.  How funny is it that those words are uttered when I've had a bad day?  I've either eaten something I'm really not supposed to eat or not tracked.  I fear I'm falling  back in to some old habits.  Okay, maybe new "old" habits.  I shouldn't be saying "I'll think about that tomorrow" unless I'm thinking about what to wear, where I'm going, or what to do on a weekend.  

So, I have been losing the same 5-7 pounds over and over it seems.  Why can't I get the ball rolling and get back to that happy number?  Yes, I know the number shouldn't matter.  But I've talked about this and I would hope you would understand where I'm coming from.  You have been in that place too, you know. The fear of what I've lost is finding its "weigh" back.  Fifteen of its friends did.  Food has become too comfortable lately.  I can blame it on dating or being stuck at home until recently, but truly and honestly, it's just become too comfortable.  I can start the day out strong and last until lunch time.  The spiral happens after lunch and once I get home.  I'm over the Chex Mix obsession....THANK GOODNESS!  But there are things just as bad looming around in the pantry or at my local HEB.  

If I give in to the spiral, it's because I've told myself let's think about this tomorrow.  This!  Oh, the fact I have shamefully put on 15 pounds since reaching goal.  I realize it happens to "everyone." Although I'm not sure who "everyone" is sometimes.  I've chatted with a few lifetimers, goal reachers who are struggling just like me.  Wonder if they "think about that tomorrow?"  

I challenged myself a week or so ago to track everything that went in my mouth.  I fell short of the challenge.  Not sure what's the cause or what I can blame it on.  Where is the me who oh so diligently tracked everything and turned her nose up at cookies, chocolate chips, and other not so diet friendly foods?  Where is the me who couldn't wait to get out (even with the chickens) and walk?  

Apparently Scarlett swept her away into the world of "Let's think about that tomorrow."  I am still a very different person than I was 3 years ago, goodness, even 2 years ago.   Am I living the life I so desperately wanted?  Um....I would say yes with a few exceptions.  For someone who is bull headed and doesn't adapt to change all that well, Scarlett's infamous words have become all too common in my vocabulary.  

So, I vow, I have said that famous quote for the last time.  From this point forward, there will be no circumstances for me to utter those words......well, I should say circumstances involving weight loss or food.  Since the arrival of these 15 little pound visitors, I have been bound and determined to get them off.  I still am.  Focus, Focus, Focus!! I can do this!  I can lose those stubborn 15 pounds.  

I am a lifetimer for goodness sakes!  Lifetimers do not "Think about that tomorrow."  

Here I go on another journey.......100 mile journey

"Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey." 

A stumble, divot, or pot hole.  All these things I encountered on my weight loss journey.  In the beginning, I was able to avoid the pot holes, the stumbles.

As with any journey, I was excited to see where it would take me.  It was a slow process.  Yes, gone was the large pizza and hamburgers, but it would be months before I realized I enjoyed eating salads, or realizing eating cleanly was the best choice for my body.  Those things didn't happen over night. My activity routine was a slow progression as well.  I started out walking a little each day, increasing over time to......well....you know.  It slowly became a habit.  Once I had the walking routine set, I added other activities (over time).....yoga, Zumba, joining a run club.

The first journey was an exciting one and I was doing it for me.  Not unlike before where I halfheartedly lost weight for a high school reunion.  It's well known what happens to that weight...it shows up again with friends.  I lost weight for myself, to be able to live, be healthier.  But as I went about my way, learning to eat healthier, and weight coming off in record numbers, I was thrust onto a "stage" where I faced a bright spotlight.  At times, I felt exposed and somewhat vulnerable.

While my journey had its share of opportunities to stop and smell the roses, there was a stumble that kept appearing.  It was the fear that this weight that I have worked so hard to lose could come back. That at some point, I would stumble, I would fall in a divot and have a hard time climbing out. I started thinking I was sometimes racing on this journey, not enjoying those rest stops to gather my thoughts.  To let my mind catch up.  I raced to the finish line.  But that's what I do.  Go big or go home!  I not only presented to the ER with newly diagnosed diabetes 3 years ago, high sugars, but it was go big or go home.  Pancreatitis and a cyst on my spleen, and high blood pressure.

Once I reached the finish line, had peeled away layer after layer to reveal the newest me, I thought I had reached my destination.   Where did I go from here?  I had put myself first, changed the way I ate, developed an exercise routine, and faced it with gusto.  And as I sat in a Weight Watcher meeting, listening to the leader ask a question: If you were on a 100 journey and realized you forgot something at mile 98, would you turn back?  I answered, along with others, 'No.'   I hadn't forgotten anything, I told myself.  I silently went down the list, checking things off.  Exercise, check, Healthy choices, check.  Losing weight, check.  Healthier, check.  Emotions.....wait what?

Among the sights and sounds, possibly that bright spot light, I forgot to give my emotions some attention. I thought my emotions would change on their own and fall in line with everything else. Wrong.  I dealt with the physical part of losing weight.  The food part of losing weight.  But not emotional.   I should have been able to deal with them.  I just kept thinking, they'll work themselves out.  But an exchange was happening.  The old emotions were being exchanged for not better ones, just different ones.

With this new journey I am embarking on, I have a check list, an itinerary.  Yes, I stumbled and am getting back up.  And while I'll probably race to the finish line with regards to getting back to that number I like looking at so much, this time it's about the mind.  This journey is not without its struggles.

These last few months were very difficult for me.  Besides the struggles of getting back to my goal weight, I was dealing with not working, and other personal issues.  How was I supposed to now deal with the mental aspect of the improved me?

Just months prior, I had shed the extra weight that sheltered me for the last 20 years.  I may be on this new journey for quite some time.  I'll probably enlist an "army" to come along with me.  I know that it will not be over night that I will no longer hear the negative thoughts.  I know that I won't immediately look in the mirror (with just a towel wrapped around me) and just gush over the healthier me.  

For some, the mental preparation of losing weight may start years before.  For me, I had to think fast. I associate my journey with that of a girlfriend surprising me with a trip and I had only 5 minutes to pack a bag.  How do you prepare for that?  So I am doing it backwards you could say.

I have a feeling this journey will be just as interesting, fun filled, lessons abound, and with a wonderful final destination.  

Sometimes you have to be the Little Engine that Could

"It was a good day, maybe even a great day.......I was the me in my head.  There was a moment when I thought I can't do this, I can't do this alone but I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it and I did.  I blocked out the fear and did it."

My apologies for this wide gap between posts.  There were so many things going on and my blog got sidelined.  Thank you for holding out and knowing I would eventually put thoughts on the screen again.  I was finally rescued from the job market and started a new job about a month ago.  I can't believe it's already been a month!  When I was just about to circle the drain, I was offered a job and to finally get back to normal.  But what is normal?

For the last several months, my "good" or "great" days were few and far between.  I was at home A LOT and while at home, what do you do?  Well, okay maybe not what do you do but what do you WANT to do?  Snack.  I seem to be at a point where I'm losing the same 5-7 pounds over and over.  

One morning, a light bulb went off in my head.  I let the heat/humidity make my decisions when it came to my walking.  I knew I could walk 5 miles to get my steps in for the day, but I stopped after that.  Why let the heat/humidity stop me?  Why let it dictate how much I walk?  So I challenged myself to walk my 10 miles.  I was successful a handful of times.  I considered those great days.  And I when I stepped on scale, losing those 5-7 pounds again, it was a great day.  I also realized just because I was home all day didn't mean I couldn't eat my salads.  I started prepping them and eating a salad at lunch and it tasted so good.  

As you know and I have confessed, I gained 20 pounds, thereabouts.  I have been trying to lose it since, gosh, probably March.  Yeah! That far back, but at that time, it was only about 15.  I so want to get back to that wonderful number.  I tell myself that I can do it.  Losing 20 pounds should be nothing to me.  After losing the weight I have, well, I shouldn't have let myself gain so early in this journey of mine.  I find myself being more comfortable around food.  Not sure if I mentioned this before.  I may have in person to some of you.  My A1C and sugars are well controlled and although the fear of putting on any more weight is still there, I have relaxed......well, maybe not relaxed like in your world.  But in mine, I have.  

I have tried to get my mind back in the "from the beginning" mindset.  Starting over.  Back to basics. I have a good few days or enough to see a loss.  I've had a few addictions/obsessions.  The addiction to Chex mix disappeared thank goodness!  Lately it was peanuts and chocolate.  Stopped eating the peanuts and I think the chocolate chip thing has ended.  Instead of telling myself I can do this, I feel like I should cite the quote from The Little Engine that Could.  I think I can.  I think I can.  Until I see a movement in the right direction.  A bigger movement than just the same 5-7 pounds.  

This 100 mile journey of mine has turned off in other directions.  There are more hills and divots...big divots.  I am still battling with the mental aspect.  It didn't really help that I bottomed out with other personal issues.  I suppose I should be proud that I didn't throw up my hands and fall prey to the large pizza, or Cheese doodles.   

I think everyone that decides to take the weight loss journey has their own potholes and divots.  There are some that I am unable to avoid.  Then there are those I know where they are and I avoid them altogether.  For example, it seems Halo Top ice cream has found a home with Weight Watchers fans, among other food finds.  I chose not to join the fan club.  For one, I don't feel like paying $6 for a pint of ice cream.  Second, eating the ice cream would bring back something that I have chosen to leave at the curb. Which brings me to a conversation a Weight Watcher friend and I had the other day.

She was telling me about the hills and valleys she was experiencing.  I offered an idea that it sounded like she was becoming comfortable with food just like I did.  She agreed.  Then we started talking about dessert.  Theory is that 3-4 bites should be enough.  And while that is true, my mind, like others on the weight loss journey, struggles with that concept.  My mind still wants to eat the entire dessert. So for that reason, I choose to leave any dessert at the curb as well.  But if I am presented with a situation, I will just chant my Little Engine that Could song.  I think I can, I think I can.  

So what does it take?!  Maybe I need to close my eyes and relive that moment of me reaching that goal.  Close my eyes and relive running cross the finish line at the half marathon.  Close my eyes and imagining reaching that number again.  Block out any fear of numbers going up and just do it!  That is what Nike does right?! I did it once before...from such a faraway place.  I'm just a few miles from home now.

So I leave you with two things.  First, I have been encouraged by my Weight Watcher leader to try once again and submit my success story to Weight Watchers.  People magazine is doing their Half Their Size edition.  So I'm tweaking my story and getting pictures together.  We'll see....this could be all part of the plan....you know the plan!  ;)

Here's a funny to start your week.  So I walked with a new buddy Saturday morning.  I met her in the complex and she likes to run/walk.  We agreed to meet at 7 in the morning to walk.  I meet her at the stairs and she asks how far I'd already walked.  I looked at her and just laughed then whispered 4 miles.  I told her I was surprised she knew to ask that.  She knew I would walk before walking with her.  I guess I am just that predictable!

Make new habits., but keep the old......Whaaat???!

Make new friends but keep the old.....remember that song?  I looked up the lyrics because all I had ever heard was the first line.  It sparked a thought in my head.

Being diagnosed with diabetes I had to form new habits.  Insulin injections 4x a day (in the beginning), check blood sugars 3x a day, and not to mention new food habits.  It was either get used to these habits or.....well, die.

Once I was in the swing of the weight loss journey, I formed new habits just about every day.  I tracked every day, started exercising by walking and working out with a trainer.  I gave up certain things in order to be healthier.....sodas, fast food, candy, sweets.  It became a habit for me to wake up before sunrise and walk....first it was 3 miles, then it was 5, then it jumped to 10 miles every morning.  I would walk again in the afternoon.  Attending a yoga class  became part of my activity habit.

Eating healthier, wiser, and and somewhat clean became a habit.  I tossed out the artificial sweeteners....including Truvia.  I opted for chicken more often than red meat.  Instead of the regular light yogurt, I switched to greek yogurt and haven't looked back.  I limited/eliminated certain carbs. Then there's the most important habit I formed and that was attending every Weight Watcher meeting, every Sunday.  Weighing in no matter what.  All of this was good until.........

Believe it or not, those old habits we think  got tossed out still linger.....until we choose to replace them. Maybe not in the original form, but they are there. As part of changing our lifestyle - to a healthier lifestyle - we must learn to recognize when an old habit needs to be replaced.  It seemed after I reached goal and was at a weight I haven't seen since high school, those old habits that I thought were gone, were not replaced.  Not all, but a few.  I have mentioned, on here and to several of you, the celebration lasted longer than I wanted.  Then I started dating.......that was a disaster.  Then I lost my job.  I stopped attending the Weight Watcher meetings faithfully - every Sunday.   My plan was to weigh in no matter what because my plan was to never get back on that road to gaining weight.  Somehow, I took a detour and merged on that road without realizing it.

I started eating, "snacking," on the wrong foods.  I think I have tried ever flavor of Chex Mix they make.  I ate other things too.  Chocolate chips.  Chocolate chips mixed with the Chex Mix.  Peanuts. So it wasn't the food I used to eat but it was the same old habit...snacking and eating just because.  I stopped eating salads because I was home and snacked instead.  After my dating disasters, the old habit of not feeling worthy of myself came back.....didn't even bother knocking.  Same with looking for a job and not getting an interview.  The old habit of telling myself I wasn't good enough or someone else had something I didn't was back.  Which led to.....what?  Eating.  Oh, the major factor of my slump.  My walking buddy and awesome friend moving nearly 4 hours away to Fort Worth. We stopped walking together and I stopped walking in the afternoon altogether.

So, the old habits have to be replaced with new better habits.  Replace them with new, healthier habits to deal with stress and boredom, sadness.  For example, if eating is a result of stress or feeling inadequate, it is not good to stop eating cold turkey.  Change the food that is eaten.  I feel like I'm having to learn that all over again.  When I feel depressed, stressed or anything else, I need to change what I eat or do instead of munching down on a bag of Chex Mix and chocolate chips.

For instance, this last month I have felt inadequate and unworthy.  The next thing to do if I don't eat anything is to bake.  Baking can be therapeutic.  But as I was looking through recipes, I realized baking might not be the best thing to do.  Although I boast that I don't eat what I bake, sometimes I tend to sneak a bite.  I need to find another way to deal with those feelings.  Get out of the house, go on another walk.  Lay out by the pool.  Anything but be in the kitchen.

So the title is not true.  You DO NOT keep the old habits.  They are replaced by newer, better habits. Maybe find a substitute for your bad habit.  Have a plan ready to do something instead of whatever it is you are dealing with.  Knock out as many triggers as possible.  In the beginning, I realized having the fruity adult drinks with apps was not a good stop along my journey.  So I stopped going to the bars and happy hours.  Somehow snacking seems to accompany watching TV.  Have fruit on hand or other healthy snacks if snacking MUST happen.

See where this is going?  In the last few weeks, I am resetting myself so to speak and trying to start fresh.  Get in the frame of mind of when I first started on this journey.  I need to replace the old habits that keep coming back with new ones....better ones.....better for me.

Y'all have a great weekend!
"I want to see what happens if I don't give up."

Christina

A little late for Spring cleaning but there's always time for tidying up

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, yet gently still allows you to grow."  

So I can be inspired at any given point and start to put words onto the screen.  But like life's changes, sometimes changes happen with my blog.  In Weight Watchers, we've discussed lately befriending our body and most recently decluttering.  Whether it's the mind or one room or entire house.  So since I'm a few weeks behind I'm going to try and wrap everything up with a nice little bow.

It's been a crazy couple of months.  Mother Nature decided we needed more rain in late May....as if we hadn't had enough.  That same week she sent a train load of hormones my way.  Needless to say I was not in any shape to make public appearances.   I'd been in a slump because I got away from that happy number I reached last year.  And maintained (give or take) to reach lifetime.  I persevered and got to that number where I felt my happiest and healthiest.  Worked harder than I have before in my life.  Then something happened.

No one's fault but my own.  Making healthy choices was not a priority at the time.  The last time I liked myself and was happy was in the dressing room at Victoria's Secret.  I stood in the feminine pink dressing room and looked in the mirror.  Who was staring back at me?  I was liking (okay maybe loving a little bit) the person in the mirror.  She actually had a curve to her.

Recently we discussed loving/liking your body.....befriending it.  We are encouraged to tell ourselves one thing we love about our bodies every day eventually loving everything about us.  Friends are there to support us as well.  I worked hard to achieve my goal with the support of awesome friends to encourage me. Somewhere along the way after I reached lifetime, the wagon stopped I got off and failed to get back on.  Things happened in life and I somehow forgot what it took to get to where I was. So I'm taking the weight loss journey again.  Trying to find that confidence I was starting to have.

I think part of the problem was not only the rain last month but my walking buddy left the a couple of weeks ago.  Like anything, to truly be at peace, sometimes facing something is the best way to move on.  I knew it was going to be devastating and I think that's why we hadn't walked together in most recent months.  But I found once I said my See ya later and hugged her, I felt fine.  I felt ready to hit it and get back on the right path.  Yes I would have to walk by myself like I had been before I met her, but I could do that.  I could put my ear buds in and jam to my spotify list and walk those 5 miles.  We also talked about walking with each other by phone.

So I started slowly back on the main road.  The humidity has been really bad so I've cut back on my walking.  But I've added some other activities.  Last week I made a huge leap and lost 7 lbs. making a great start to my happy number.  This week 1.8 of those lbs. found its way back on.  Thanks to wine and mother nature.

I am starting to love my body again.  I am going to declutter my house and make it clean and organized again.  Especially my fridge.  It's been disheveled lately.  I will have to be really, really focused as dating has reared its head once again.  I met this wonderful guy and we are enjoying getting to know each other.  He understands about my journey and when I tell him when I go to my meetings, I do not feel like I need to make something up.  And he's helped me "love" or befriend my body even more because he tells me I'm beautiful not only outwardly but inwardly as well.

Multi-tasking may not be the most popular of skill sets.  But just maybe, while the decluttering/tidying up is taking place, that spare minute when a breath needs to be taken, a kind word can be given to the favorite part of the body.  Let's declutter our minds and get back to the real reason(s) we are on this journey.  Let's embrace our bodies as they are now and get excited about how they'll look when we reach the final destination.

Y'all have a great week!
Christina

If you're happy and you know it......you know what to do

Think back to the early school age.  Maybe not much past kindergarten.  If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.  I know, I know.....that tune will now be in your head for the next few hours.  If you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet...... you get the idea.

On this weight loss journey, when has been your happiest moment.  Okay, if you have several, that's allowed.  And you may be saying, duh, it was when I reached goal.  Or got lifetime status.  For some, the happiest moment may be finishing a 5K or fitting into a size smaller clothes.  

I've had many happy moments during my journey.  Just being able to stick with it and lose the weight has been a happy moment.  My first shopping trip after losing 50 lbs (or was it 100) was a happy moment.  I no longer was restricted to Lane Bryant or Catherine's.  Small happy moments all added up to a bigger one.  I worked so hard to reach a specific number and point.  I was learning to live a healthy lifestyle, cutting out the toxicity.  Whether it be toxic food, people, or situations.  I fought hard to control what I let come in my life.  I approached my final goal, I felt the happiest when I ate cleanly......a different salad every day.  Enjoying my activity and being able to do new things. 

I bring this up because I've noticed the last few weeks I'm not happy with my progress or current situation.  And whether we like it or not, a snowball effect can happen.  Because I haven't been happy with what I've let happen to my weight, it has affected everything else.  It is true that I deserved to be happy when I reached my goal.  And I was.  I haven't been making those healthier choices.  How can I get that fire back?  Can I fuel my disappointment and get back to that number when I was happy?  I thin I can.  Unlike before, it may take a little longer.  But I am determined to do it.....and once I'm there, there is where I'll stay.

Also, I think the unwanted visitor keeps wanting to come back.  And I had a friend bring up a good point.  Maybe the visitor isn't supposed to be gone completely.  Maybe I'm to learn to co-exist with my ex.   She is one of the reasons I haven't been happy lately.  Plus other issues.

I was watching the video of when I reached final goal in December of last year.  I looked so small and those were happy tears.  In two years I did what I thought was the impossible.  Maybe it was too quick.  Maybe I didn't take time to work on my mental state.

So now my read education begins I suppose.  Can I use what I learned while getting to goal in order to get back there?  Can my ex and I co-exist while at the same time learning to be happy?

If you're happy and you know it, then be proud of your perseverance to get there.  Do all you can to stay there!

What to do with an unwanted visitor......

They show up at the most inopportune times......without warning.  And they can stay for hours, days, weeks.....even months or years.  We want them to leave but how do we tell them.  When these unwanted visitors finally DO leave, we're not quite sure what to do with ourselves.

I have to admit this transformations sucks at times.  The "after" is not what I thought it would be.  I thought once I accomplished the unthinkable, my "next 30 years" would be easier to handle.  After all, I changed my entire eating lifestyle.  I surrendered and gave up ice cream, most breads, fast foods, candy, etc.  I found that I liked walking and other activities.  I swallowed my fear and paddled out to the middle of a lake to do yoga.  I conquered climbing half of a rock wall.  I started to break down the walls of the box that enclosed me for so many years.

Those that have lost over 200 lbs. belong to a unique group of people.  A friend of mine put it this way:

"..........losing a whole person really made me think. I"m betting it's kinda like the experience of growing a baby inside you. The baby comes out or you "lose a person" as you said but for a WHILE you feel awkward, lost and like your missing something and although you're rejoicing that you lost a person, (delivered or really gone) it's a major transformation. In your case you carried that baby for waaaay longer than a duration of a pregnancy so I would guess it's going to take you some time to fully know all of the wonderful new and yet scary aspects of who you are becoming."

I didn't quite know what road to take after losing those 200 lbs.  What journey do I take now?  I came and conquered.  I saw the sights, rode the rides.   I sent the former "fat" me on her way.  Dubbed her the "ex." Little did I know she'd do everything she could to weasel her way back in my life.  

It's almost like the "ex" was waiting with bated breath for me to reach my goal because I might slip and get comfortable.  Which I did.  She saw me starting to date and go out and you know what that involves......FOOD!  Ugh!  I suppose she quietly settled in while I wasn't looking.  Just hiding in a corner.  

This unwanted visitor was successful in making herself at home just recently.  I haven't figured out what makes her decide to come back.  I was out earlier this week bowling with some friends.  Someone had a pan of pizza - looked like a quadruple meat variety.  I reached over and took a slice, knowing full well that wasn't a healthy choice.  The "ex" was telling me to go ahead and have one more slice, heck have 2 more slices.  I felt her smiling as I picked up the third slice.  Why not?  After all, I was being whispered things that I had heard years before.  

She settles in and is ready to whisper those things I have tried so hard to forget.  Like when I don't get the interview....she's there to whisper I'm not good enough.  Or when the guy I have my eye on doesn't know I'm alive she whispers it's because I'm still not small enough.  I want to scream and ask her "Where the hell did you come from?"  So how do I get rid the unwanted visitor?

It's a hard task.   A task that may not ever be completed.  Unlike the unwanted visitors that are of the insect variety or the annoying neighbor, this unwanted visitor comes back time and time again.  And it's up to me to not let her in my thoughts.  It's up to me to shut her out and do my best to ignore her.

I'm continuing to work my way back to my goal and redeem my lifetime status.  I will be honest with you, this "after" sucks.  I am, however, determined to get back to that wonderful number and stay there.  I am determined to put my healthy lifestyle first and everything else can be second place.

I hope that whatever unwanted visitors you may have know not to come back.  Do whatever it takes for those visitors to stay far away.  Y'all have a great weekend ahead!

Christina