There comes a time.....

God says.... 
The things you've been through have taken something away.... You've lost some shine, you've lost some of your innocence, and along the way you've also lost YOU.  You don't do the things you love to do, you don't get excited the way you did in the old days.  But if you'll take My hand, I have a plan... I'm going to teach you how to WAR for your happiness, how to CONTEND for your joy.  Child, I'm going to show you how to INTERCEDE for our own soul.  And at the end of it all, you'll have your FIRE back.  Isaiah 43:19 

This blog has given me an outlet for expressing my thoughts about my weight loss journey. I was excited to write in the beginning. I gained followers and was once told this person felt as if she was having a conversation with me when she read the blog. Suddenly, I turned around and realized I haven’t kept it up as I once envisioned.

When I started losing the weight, forming new habits — drinking water, power walks, trying new activities, tracking, whatever it was that I felt was necessary to lose the weight — I was telling myself that this is something I will do for the rest of my life, not just a fast, temporary fix.

Like most people, I was going after the prize.... the goal weight. That magical number on the scale. That’s what I eventually focused on: I will get there, I will get there, I will get there. My problem was (and it took me awhile to realize this) never once did I ask myself, will I want to keep this up? Salads every day, power walking 5+ miles a day, tracking every day. I told myself, “I can keep this up.” And for the most part I did. Even after I reached that magical goal weight in 2016, losing a total of 202 lbs., I continued to walk those 5+ miles. Stayed away from unhealthy foods, continued to track what I ate.

These last 6-8 months have been a real struggle. After a long year I finally was back at my goal in February, which seems like a light year ago. Then it was as if a dark cloud hovered over me and some of what I lost found its way back....AGAIN. I can hear myself saying to the pounds lost when I reached that ultimate goal in 2016 - “You’re not coming back.” I didn’t hear the giggles at the time but they were there - saying “We’ll see.”

It’s those significant weight gains that are sometimes a sign of where I am emotionally. If I were thinking clearly (as in not listening to the former me), I’d see it as a siren, and also and a symptom of my imbalance. Often, I’ve eaten out of boredom or just because, or if I’ve become overwhelmed with some areas of my life (dating/relationship, work, comparing what I’m supposed to be doing with what I AM doing, how I might be letting people down, etc). In the back of my head I know that’s what I used to do before God’s intervention.

I want the person back who walked 10 miles/day - motivated, losing weight consistently. I know if I made it to that magical number once, I can do it again. People say they understand, but do they really? Each person conducts the journey as it suits them. They follow the program as it works for them. I’ve said this before - and it’s still mostly true. I don’t follow the program as the next person does.

My doctor recently suggested some changes. I reluctantly agreed - if I could eat my plain Greek yogurt with fruit instead of protein shakes. Not sure it has helped as the numbers on the scale have not moved much. 

For the most part, I eat healthy; fitness is a huge part of my life. So why am I not happy? I want to go after that prize again. I want to see the number go down on the scale. Weight Watchers recently changed their platform. Wellness. I do not adapt to change well. I suppose that’s why I worked hard and hurriedly got to goal before their changes in 2016. Most of my success was with the prior points programs. As most, I rely on Weight Watchers. It’s a well known fact, I can not do this weight loss successfully on my own. If I did, then I wouldn’t have walked through the Weight Watchers doors to begin with in November 2013.  

If I’m being honest, there has been a time or two I was sure I couldn’t make it through something — a breakup, job loss. And yet, I survived it. And yet, I didn’t eat my feelings through it. What makes it difficult/different this time?

I could blame the gain on many things. Changes in the Weight Watcher program, those evil days each month that sometimes come faster than you think or how society defines "athletic" or "toned." Where would that get me? I've always followed the Weight Watcher program differently than the next person.  Those evil days are going to come whether I like them to or not. Some months it's better than others. And no one is forcing me to listen to media outlets, social media posts, etc.

Maintaining has been very difficult. I mentioned in a post on my Glitter All the Weigh Facebook page, as with any addiction, the temptations will always be there.  It's my choice how I deal with them. The struggle will always be present but it's how much of a struggle I make it. I wrote about this balance thing a few posts back. I'm still wrestling with that too. How do you make it work?  If you lost your shine, how did you get it back?  

Embrace the glorious mess that you are!

Why is it so hard to love the glorious hot mess we are? I was going about my merry way when I received a text from a man I met online a couple of months prior. We talked and decided to meet for dinner. His idea of dinner – a couple of mojitos and appetizers. After the second time seeing each other (not truly getting to know one another), I receive the inevitable text saying he doesn’t think it’s going to work. At that moment, the other me waved hello. Th other fat me – the one I try so hard to banish from my life now.

While she sits and smiles holding a bag of chips, feelings of foolishness and not good enough set in. She’s winning. Ah – was it because I do not love myself and that’s why the “you are an incredible woman so don’t take it personally….” text lit up my phone?

I am growing weary of trying to balance this life of mine with the struggles of food addiction. I tend to think of myself as an oak tree. I have been through so many storms and I believe I am living proof of the quote “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Why can’t it help me love myself more? I’ve been told this and heard it more times than I can count. 

Is it because even after the success of losing the weight, remnants remain? The loose skin – e.g. angel wings; flabby stomach pooch. Fear of IT coming back. And when IT does (not matter how much), panic sets in. It does for me at least. I work out almost 7 days a week and even though I consider myself toned, it’s hidden under whatever remainder of what used to be.

That’s not to say I don’t have things I “love” about myself. But somehow it feels like I go in search of those things. I “love” that I no longer crave pizza or hamburgers. The fast food or frozen store-bought pizza. The friend hamburger patty. I “love” being open to trying new things – healthy active things. Although I’m still not sure about jicama. I love that I look forward to yoga on Monday nights – that is my happy hour. It’s a great way to end the first day of a new week. Or getting my morning walk in before the day even starts. Those things somehow give me a sense of accomplishment.

What does it truly mean to love one’s self? I find myself restless most times and find it hard to find peace within myself. This journey has a funny way of messing with your mind. In all ways. I am still judgmental of myself. Even after the pavement of the road is long behind me, I find it hard to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it is hard for me NOT to realize it’s not the fact I have a sagging stomach or wrinkly thighs or a muffin top that makes me who I am.

I will always have struggles. Struggles of making the wisest of food choices. Struggles of finding something healthy and feeling satisfied. Struggles of learning to love myself. Oh how I wish it were simpler. That I can wake up one day and feel the self-love everyone talks about. I can look in the mirror and like how I look in a sexy pair of panties. Or know I’m truly not the problem when I receive one of the many “you’re an incredible woman (you have great qualities), so don’t take it personally” texts.

How will you love yourself today? Someone recently told me to say this out loud ten times a day so I can hear myself say it: “I am worthy of (love happiness, etc.) I am deserving of (love, happiness, feeling content).”

Aha: The God Moment That Changes Everything

"Sometimes life takes us places we never expected to go.  And in those places, God writes a story we never thought would be ours."  

I didn't realize it was January when I wrote a new post.  These last few months, I've dealt with emotional eating, finished my second half marathon, and landed a full time job (with a raise!).  The emotional eating caused me to go above my goal, so guess what.....yep I'm back on that ride again. But it's not going to be a year this time.  I plan to be back down to my goal, or below it, by early May.

I looked in the mirror this morning.  It's been four years since I crawled in the ER and spent six days in the hospital.  It'll be an anniversary, that although will become fainter as years go by, that will always be a significant moment in time.  There are days I like what I see.  Then days that I still see the obese - okay, fat - me.  I wonder when that will go away.  

To think four years I could have not made the decision to visit the ER, I may not be here today.  I could have decided to let the insulin do the work and not change anything.  I have written and spoken about that Aha! moment but I didn't reveal what tole it had on my family.  My brother-in-law told his co-workers his sister-in-law (me) was in the hospital and there's a chance he could have to leave without warning.  I read emails my parents sent their friends who asked about me.  They feared they could lose me.  Tears welled up in my eyes knowing they could have lost me.

How scary is that?  To realize your family actually feared they could lose a daughter, aunt, sister.  If that isn't an Aha! moment, I don't know what is. 

I realized God wasn't going to let that happen.  I don't always - okay, never - understand His plan for me or His timing, but I know He didn't have me walk through that storm for nothing.  Maybe it was to make me aware of the dishonor I was doing to my body.  Maybe He needed me to get healthy and well before He sent the person meant for me.  Well, apparently I'm not ready yet 🤣

I do know it was to show me if a change wasn't made, Elliott wouldn't have an aunt - let alone a fun aunt - much longer.  I wouldn't be around for my parents much longer - in fact, they'd have outlived me.  

Weight Watchers will always be a part of my life.  Making healthy choices will always be the priority.  I hope to get to a point where I don't have to worry about stepping on the scale - to pay or not to pay.  I have enjoyed this journey immensely.  Can't wait to see what's up ahead.

Yes, you made the decision to walk through the Weight Watchers door.  But maybe it was God taking you to a place you weren't expecting.  He was beginning to write your story. When I joined Weight Watchers in 2013, God was writing the fist chapter in my story.  

Y'all have an awesome week.  Spring is in the air!!! 

 

Dear 2018, I am ready!

On Sunday, 2017 comes to a close.  This time last year I was doing my best to get back to goal.  And this time a couple of years ago, I was celebrating reaching my final goal weight.  Yet trying to understand maintenance so I could reach lifetime.  This year I am at goal weight, have maintained lifetime for the last 3 months, and making healthy choices a priority.  I will end the year at goal once again, and start 2018 also at goal.  

A lot can happen in a year.  Early on it seemed I couldn't gain back my focus and was struggling with making healthy, wise choices.  I reconnected with a man whom I dated a couple of years ago and we started dating again.  We both overcame some unbelievable obstacles (more him than me) and I thought I had finally found someone who related to where I was going and where I came from.  Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out but I can say with pride that I didn't drown myself in Chex Mix, cookies, etc.  I woke up, dusted off, put some lipstick on and moved forward.  Okay, so maybe it didn't happen so quickly.  

I had help from Harvey and finally started losing.  I reached my goal and returned to Lifetime status in October.   Since it was like Death Valley in August when it came to my dating life, I was able to start with a fresh slate.   I was able to return to pre-boyfriend weight. 

I haven't written "resolutions" per se for the last few years.  In prior years "lose weight" was always at the top of the list.  For the last 2 years no mention of "losing weight."  This year, I decided to have a New Year's Bucket List.  Things I'd like to do / accomplish this coming year.  Some fun, some routine. Take a cooking  / baking class, expand / improve my yoga practice, SIGN UP for a marathon in 2019.  Those were just some things I came up with on the fly.  Of course, maintain residence in Land of Lifetime  Continue making eating healthy a priority. 

I did end the year with some awesome news.  I am working again after being off for 2 months.  Yay!  At my last doctor's appointment to review the thyroid medicine, we talked about my other diabetic meds.  Guess what!! He told me I didn't need to take them any more!!   No more metformin, no more checking sugars (although I probably will any way).  Through the old fashion way, I reversed my diabetes and told it I don't need you!

I look back on the last three years.  There were some pretty wild rides.  And I'm sure 2018 has some tucked away somewhere.  I was thinking of that dreaded "balance" thing.  Why am I trying to balance?   Yeah Yeah I know.  Because, as happened to the Grinch, I can't stop life from coming.  It'll come without bells and whistles, sometimes silently while I am not aware.  And while it's good to have some flexibility / balance in one's life, it's important to realize YOU can control what balance you let in. 

I am ready for you 2018!  Bring it as they say.  Will this be the year I happen to find someone who doesn't mind that I walk 5+ miles a day?  What new thing(s) will I try in the New Year?  My awesome weight watcher leader has encouraged me to sign up to work at Weight Watchers.  While I am flattered I want to learn to maintain lifetime status and keeping focus on staying at goal. 

So what's on your New Year's bucket list?   Is there a lot of copying and pasting from one year to the next?  Don't think of it as a list of resolutions. But things you will encourage yourself to do, things that are fund and don't make you feel as if you are mandated to do them .  If losing weight is on it, and you joined Weight Watchers, kudos to you!  Just by doing that, you WILL accomplish that resolution. 

Have a great New Year.  Hope it sparkles and shines like mine, covered in Glitter all the Weigh. 

Christina

Thankfulness Doesn't Stop with Thanksgiving

"I'm thankful for my struggle because I from it I have found my strength." 

"I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now."

My apologies for being late with this post.  You would think this time of year inspiration would come easy to me.  I had to think about this next blog post.  I hope each of my readers, followers, etc. had an awesome and grateful Thanksgiving.  Maybe enjoyed just a little too much pumpkin (or insert your favorite pie here) pie or southern cornbread dressing....and yes the bird!  Thanksgiving is sometimes treated as a day to indulge in foods that aren't on the day to day menu through the year.  As well as Christmas time.  Well, really from Thanksgiving through New Years.  

I found these two quotes and they spoke to me.  Believe it or not I am thankful for what I have experienced over the last 3-4 years.  The hospital visit.  Learning a new set of rules for Diabetes.  I have found so much out about myself that if I had not experienced what I did, I probably would not have discovered what I did.  This strength I have found is so vital to the lifestyle I want to create for myself.  To be honest, I could have had several spoonfuls of my mom's cornbread dressing, my sister's green bean casserole, or a piece of apple pie.  But I stayed focused and realized the cornbread dressing or pie wasn't worth it.  

And oh goodness the second quote!  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has prayed to be smaller, able to sit comfortably in chairs, or not get tired walking around the store.  That's what the quote means to me.  I would pray and envision myself smaller and able to do many things.  The prayer took a good 4 years to be answered, but it was.  Now if my prayers about my love life could be answered, that would be great. 

I am so thankful for the tools Weight Watchers has enabled me to create this healthy lifestyle. I hear there are changes on the way and I know they are only to enhance this journey.   Thankful that with them I have been able to lose the weight I did and somewhat maintain it.  Speaking of, I am still in Land of Lifetime.  If I make it through December (which I have no doubt), I think I will have broken the streak from last year.  This time around I am keeping what I have accomplished at the forefront of my mind.   I am weighing in every week to keep myself accountable.  I tried the balance thing and did okay, although it was an easy test.  Start out slow right. 

I am thankful for the friends in my life.  Those that have become more visible and that they care.  It's important to have that support in life.  And of course the new friends along the way. 

I am thankful and grateful my body forgives me for getting up before dawn to get my morning walk in.  Or do the many other things I wasn't able to do (or want to do) a few years ago.  

Thankfulness doesn't stop when Thanksgiving is over.  Being thankful doesn't stop once the china is put away, "to go" plates are sent home with loved ones, or when the parade ends.  It's year round.  I am thankful for what I have experienced for without it I wouldn't be the person I am today.  There wouldn't be the lessons I have learned.  

So the holiday season seems to be in full swing.  Be thankful where you are today.  Be thankful you have the will power to keep in mind what food is worthy of you eating and so on.  As always, it's a jungle out there this time of year.  Be thankful you have the Armour to protect yourself.

Here's a funny to start the week:  I attended a meeting a few weeks ago and mentioned to the leader about our discussion on "free food" and how it's hard to pass up anything "free."  She said "If you think about it, it's not really free.  It could end up costing you $44.95"  

Anniversaries and Commitment......they go hand in hand.

"There are hidden blessings in every struggle."  

"She believed she could so she did." 

Two quotes I can relate to.  Two quotes that have become my favorites.  Monday, November 6, I celebrated 4 years with Weight Watchers.  I was reminiscing about that night.  I am not sure what caused me to join Weight Watchers on that chilly, rainy Wednesday night in 2013.  I can tell you my mindset wasn't in the place it needed to be.  Nor was the focus.  So why I decided that particular moment to join is a mystery to me.   I walked through the doors and started getting a little nervous.  Not about being there but having to step on the scale.  This friendly lady welcomed me and checked me in.  As I stepped on the scale, tears streamed down my face.  I was certain I had crossed over to 400 pounds but the scale read 375.6.  Those ounces in a weight loss journey mean a lot.  So, yes it might as well have been 376, but it still wasn't 400 like I thought.  I left determined to lose some weight this time.  Not sure how I was going to do it since my history with Weight Watchers wasn't good.  I lacked the commitment to the relationship.  Little did I know about the journey and hidden blessing headed my way.   

Four years later, I weigh less than I did the week before I reached Lifetime for the 1st time in 2016.  Stepping on the scales on Sunday, I am 4 pounds under the lowest goal point.  I can see the 160s in the distance.  A weight I can't remember the last time weighing.  I won't lie - there have been many challenges and struggles in the last 4 years. You can read about my Aha moment and hidden blessing here.  More recently this past year trying to lose the 36 I somehow let climb back on.  These last 36 pounds were the hardest than the 200 I lost the first time.  So there were no "celebrations" this time after reaching a new number or Land of Lifetime.  And being free!  Well, no food related celebrations.  

Being diabetic and on the Weight Watchers program were two games with two sets of not so different rules.  I surprised myself at my commitment to the program and diabetes.  After only 2 years on the program (to some that is still the "honeymoon phase") I reached my goal.  When this relationship started with Weight Watchers and diabetes, I didn't plan on losing as much as I did.  I'm not sure I had a number in mind.  I didn't make long term goals or short term goals.  But if I had, I surpassed them each time.  So years 3 and 4 have been a time of adjusting and strengthening the commitment.  To ensure that there'll be more anniversaries to celebrate.  

My commitment is strong today as it was when I attended the meetings after my hospital stay.  This may be the only 50th anniversary I celebrate, but I will do it proudly.  I'm also hoping there won't be the 7 year itch and my mind gets arrogant and thinks we can do this without Weight Watchers.  I am hoping by year 5 I will have the balance, flexibility and life thing figured out.  Speaking of, I guess this could be considered a little celebration.  In a couple of weeks, I will test the balance, flexibility, and life thing by getting dressed up and attending a wine tasting.  It'll be my once a month out to enjoy this thing called life.  I will be sure to have those wiser / healthier choices sitting in the first row.   

How will your anniversary be celebrated?  

Mine is covered in Glitter all the Weigh!  Have a great week!  

Christina 

If you have to cry, go outside, but whatever you do, DON'T eat!

I saw a quote that said, "Food is the most abused anxiety drug.  Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant."   

We revisited the topic of emotional eating in our Weight Watchers meeting.  The group agreed that emotional eating and learning how to combat it is one of the MOST dangerous/ important issues on any weight loss journey.   I sat there thinking that sometimes we think it might be emotional eating when it could very well be boredom.  Like watching TV and eating a bag of chips.  It wasn't the intention to eat the entire bag, but before too long, the ENTIRE bag is gone.  Emptied.

Emotional/Stress eating is a big issue for me.  As well as eating out of boredom.  The only thing(s) that saved me during storm Harvey was there was no "comfort," "storm," or "binge" type food in my kitchen.  Boredom surely set in as I was stuck inside for a few days.  

I find that my emotional eating is at its worst when I feel I'm not good enough.  Rejection.  Guilt.  Negativity.  The feeling that food is a shield and won't reject me enter my thoughts.  I mean, the bag of Chex Mix, chips, or box of cookies isn't going to reject me.  It's a way to suppress all those negative feelings.  And it certainly isn't going to suggest healthier options.  That's up to me.  The part of the brain that knows better.  Emotions can sometimes be tied (linked) to eating habits that without knowing, reaching for that donut or slice of pizza when feelings of anger, stress or negativity arise is out of habit.  Plainly, the connection between negative emotions and unhealthy foods is a strong one.  

When I felt let down, rejected, or otherwise unattractive, it was nothing for me to reach for a pint of ice cream or bag of chips.  Now I must learn to turn those negative feelings into something positive.  Instead of eating unhealthy foods, turn to activity or positive thoughts.  But you don't hear what foods we are drawn to with a positive mood.  If we're drawn to any certain foods at all.  If I'm feeling good about myself I usually don't think of food....healthy or otherwise.  However, I read an article that stated some research shows people in positive moods are more likely to choose fruit over chocolate. 

It's important for me to learn that not every celebration needs to involve food.  But that's what we've been conditioned to do.  Birthday, where to go to celebrate?  What to eat? Holiday, who'll cook what?  Or go out? But some say that emotional eaters turn everyday occurrences into celebratory situations...allowing them to justify eating "comfort" food.  Emotions and eating are two regular components of our lives that they usually get tangled up with one another. 

I will admit, I still use food sometimes as a "healer."  Not all the time, but it is there.  After a break-up, I think what's the point? So I jump at the chance when someone wants Mexican.  After all, I wasn't attractive to the man that just turned me down, so I must not be good enough.  Getting news that I was passed over for a job I interviewed for, the food is there to console me.  Then stress enters the picture.  How do I tame it?  I try not to let it consume me.  Yoga helps.  And all that walking I do takes my mind off of those negative emotions. 

Food will always be a struggle for me.  That's why it's important for me to work on balance, flexibility, and keeping my emotions in check.  The fat girl is still here and it is so easy for her to rear her ugly head when emotions get the best of me.   It's all about control.  We all know that life doesn't revolve around control.  As long as I can control something........the something being what I put in my mouth (or how I stop it), I'll be okay.  I'm hesitant to let life enter a little.  I know what happened the last time I let life in....I gained 30 pounds and spent this past last year losing it.  Talk about emotions getting the best of me! 

I will win the battle with the emotions monster.  Learning to let things go.  Realizing that emotions (and eating) are a big part of life.  Unhealthy food (more like unhealthy choices) doesn't have to be tied to them.  Maybe then this balance, and flexibility thing will work out. 

My journey is Glitter all the Weigh!  How about yours?  Have an awesome week!

"Leave a little sparkle wherever you go!"  Christina