What does your (inner) family tree look like?

"...........there's a school of thought that the family you're born into is simply a starting point........They clothe you, feed you, take are of you until you're ready for the real world.........and find your tribe."

This blog is about my journey with Weight Watchers. I realize some of the content should be about eating habits, what's good and what's not good to eat.  Ups and downs about the new Smart Points Program  And I will go back to those subjects.  But it's also about the journey I am taking mentally after losing 202 lbs.  The transformation of my mind and changes in my reactions.  So indulge me for a little while longer.

As with reaching goal (both times), I celebrated a little after reaching lifetime.  As someone on my "family tree" pointed out, I worked really, really hard for this.  I deserve to heave sigh of completion/relief and enjoy a break.  Oh, and some of you know that I named my inner self (goddess) as Persephone.  Well, she changed her name to Pandora.  We like that name much better.  Persephone guided me through one chapter.  Pandora will help me with the next chapter/phase.....relax and have fun with this new life.

Just as losing 202 lbs. sometimes can be just so so, so can lifetime.  I realized today I can't really let my guard down and relax too much.  And I can't really slow down my walking.  I suppose that's a good thing.  I didn't like wine ALL that much and who needs the Maytag Blue cheese chips or lettuce wraps once a month.  Thank goodness I love apples and berries as much as I do.  So I will probably try to lose the difference to get down to the top of my range so I can have a 10-15 cushion.  So I won't be afraid to step on the scale the first time of the month when I attend a meeting.  The number still matters to me because I suppose it's one of the few things I can control.  And it's a fear.  

So family trees.  No, I'm not talking about the ones with Aunt Ida or Cousin Joe on them.  Nor the ones connecting lineage to a famous athlete or actor.  It is the inner family tree. You know the people that are in your support network.  They serve different purposes.  Those that are in your closet inner circle.  Some hang out on the farthest branch and those that flew the coop!   My inner family tree has changed many times in the last year.  I realized I need to have positive people on the inner branches. It is a little different than a fan club.  The people that help you succeed, lift you up, are there to suggest a healthier food option, and of course to help you celebrate.

At the top of my family tree is a lady whom I admire and go to for sensible, good for you advice. She will always make me laugh.  She's been married a long time so I entertain her with my singleista adventures.  Then I have my sisters........they know who they are.  Two blonds and one brunette. The paddle board queen, the roller derby diva, and one that tries to see the good in just about everyone. And maybe one or two thrown in there for good measure.  We are sassy at times and can make trouble if we're not careful.  We motivate each other and celebrate every small victory.  We influence each other. We may have differences, but at the end of the day, I don't know what I would do without them.

There are the cool aunts, Persephone and Pandora.  Of course these people do not exist but they help me with this transition.  Persephone guided me through one phase. When I needed a psych slap she was there.  When I was tired and thought I couldn't go any further, she told me I was not done.  Pandora......as with the meaning of Pandora, I am curious as to what life holds for me.  I am curious just enough as to what may lay ahead but smart enough to choose the right box.....sometimes.

And of course, there is that one person who isn't really liked but is included in the tree because, well....let's face it what would our lives be without a person like this?!  My friend Laura suggested this one.....the perverted uncle.  He represents the men thus far that have taught me strange lessons and made me realize that just because the book cover looks interesting, doesn't mean you should turn the pages.  He represents those men that used me or just tossed me aside without a second look.

On those miscellaneous outer branches, are people that just hang out.  I may see them from time to time.  They represent what I once needed or thought I wanted.

Who is on your inner family tree?  There are those ties that bind and no matter what will never be broken.  The cool thing about an inner family tree is we get to pick who's on it.  And it can change as we do.   It's a brand new week, go have some fun and remember to bust a move!

Same product........just different look and packaging

Your favorite product.........you almost pass it up when searching for it on the shelf.  Then there it is, staring you right in the face just in different packaging.  The color is different and maybe so is the branding.  A sigh of relief escapes your mouth........ahhh, it's still there. Same product, just dressed a little nicer. 

On Sunday, I reached Lifetime status!  I've always said it's been a whirlwind of a journey.  A total of 202 pounds gone! There were times I wanted to stop the train at mile 98 and just go home.  But with my tremendous and awesome support network that I built, they helped me realize that wasn't an option.  The learning is not over.  The task to enjoy this new body of mine is at hand.  A good friend posted this on my facebook wall this morning:  "My wish for you is that you enjoy the new body you have and let go of any anxiety (if it has bothered you at all), your past is just that - your past.  And it doesn't define you AT ALL!! "

Let go of any anxiety!  Uh huh I can see that happening.  But this school friend who once wore the War Eagle cheerleader uniform and told me at our 20 year high school reunion that I've always been pretty is right.  Some say to let go is the easy part and it's the going forward that's painful.  I think for me trying to let go of that anxiety will be the challenging part.  That anxiety over what to eat when on a date or out with friends.   This friend who has the cheerful attitude of a cheer leader (the lift you up and is there to cheer you on type attitude) is right....my past is my past.  I can't dwell on it.  The person I was for the last 20 years does NOT define me.  She no longer exists. The real me was hidden underneath layers and layers of insecurity (which I still have hints of), low self esteem and worthlessness.  Hidden for 20 years.....

All of that has been replaced with smiles (most of the time), rising self-esteem, and knowing that I am cute as a button (as one man put it...not to be heard from again - ha ha) or even beautiful!  It all comes in a different package.

A couple of months ago in a Weight Watcher meeting, there were some new members.  My name was brought up and so was my story and the weight I have lost.  These new members (and some current) wanted to see a before and after/current picture of me.  It just so happened I had one on my phone.  As my pink phone was passed around the room, I saw some look at the phone then at me. Phone, then me.  Their eyes widened.  I heard some whisper she's a different person and she doesn't even look the same.  Well, I hope I don't look the same......

My leader pointed out that I was the same lovely person on the inside, the packaging had changed. I look at the packaging a lot lately.  The packaging has gotten smaller but my mind, one that was with the 375 pound person tries to squeeze into this small package.  I still have the same feelings, emotions, doubts, and insecurities as the bigger me did.  They all try to pile into a smaller me.  

The way I approach food and activity is different now, but the other part of my mind is not.  I have received the key to Lifetime but to me the battle is half won.  I will continue to journal what I eat.  I will continue to make healthy choices.   However I will add a few mix-ins.....the occasional happy hour with a glass of wine (or maybe two). A girls' night out....but it will include dancing.  A girls' trip.  A meal out every now and then..........maybe even with a dessert.  I will also mix in the living part.  The letting go part.  All as a transition to enjoying the new and improved packaging!

Christina  

Sometimes too much or too little is easier said than done.

"Happiness is a place between too little and too much"

I am on the cusp of making lifetime.....God willing.  I stayed away from bad foods this past week and it worked.  Lost the weight I put on week before last. Although just like a high school or college graduate, I am somewhat scared about reaching lifetime because that means I accomplished what I set out to do.  And now comes the task of maintaining it.  I'll probably lose some more to leave me a comfort zone.  Am I too scared? Absolutely!  

It's common knowledge that too much sugar or too much fat or too many calories is not good for anyone.  Yet, it isn't until Weight Watchers unveiled their new program that takes into account the sugars that we sit up and take notice.  Kind of like a wake up call.  

Take a emotion or personality trait and add the word too in front of it and that's me.  And I shrug at the idea when people say "just do this....." or "you have to be easy breezy...."  Hmph!  Easier said than done for me.  But I still forge ahead......trying not to be too trusting, too hard on myself, trying to be easy breezy.

For me, too  many sugars and certain numbers go up for me....blood glucose and weight.  For several years, my weight was too high, blood pressure, too high, and probably my blood sugars on overload. So I learned to take it down a notch.  But somewhere during the process, I may have made my way over to too little.  There was a time before my diabetic medicine was modified that I experienced low sugars.  And over the last year I realized I am way too competitive.....with myself and others apparently.  I walk an average of 16 miles a day.....which I enjoy,  My mother said recently I am walking too much.  Can someone walk too much?  The benefits of walking outweigh the thought that I may be doing too much.

I've always been too hard on myself.  With everything.  This has been pointed out time and time again.  But how does one learn not to be too hard on one's self?    The weight comes off week after week and the one week the umber rises, we beat ourselves up.  I know I do.  The first time it didn't bother me and I was able to handle it.  Most recently when  gained 10 lbs after reaching goal, I surprisingly handled that well.  But this last week when 5 lbs seemed to creep on, I nearly had a panic attack.

It was pointed out by my friend that I am too trusting.  I tend to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt and search high and low for the good in everyone.  She said it's an admirable trait but at the same time can get me in trouble and do damage to my mental state.  I might agree with her, but at the same time I might be a little too naive.  I tend to believe, word for word, what some people say.(Gosh, need clarification.  No not you but the toxic ones.  The ones that tell you things to get something in return.  They tell you what you want to hear and I believe them) Whew!

So I went dumpster diving and pulled out that subject I swore to give up.  Because as my roller derby friend pointed out, giving up men is a lie.  But I will be sparse with my misadventures.  I was voicing my frustrations with my roller derby friend.  Why are there "rules" all over the web about "too much texting" will do this or "too little response" means that?  You have to understand at the age of 44½ (okay basically 45) I am having to deal with dating as a 20 or 30 something would.  Too little of the men texting and too much of me worrying about it just drives me crazy.  Something I will have to learn to deal with respectively so there won't be too much eating the wrong thing.  The Mexican meal with too many calories.

I will surge forward with my normal routine this week, probably walking too much, so I will make sure to make lifetime come next Sunday.  What does the rest of my life hold after next Sunday? Probably bouts of me being too hard on myself.  No doubt there will be moments of too much celebrating, resulting in eating too much.   I will probably continue, as to some, walking too much. Those fears of the weight coming back on will forever be there.  I will do whatever it takes to make sure they stay far away.   I will continue the mental battle and try to learn not to be too trusting and too hard on myself.  Also try to be easy breezy.

What do you do when you too much of this or too little of that?  You may find sometimes it is easier said than done.

True Confessions

"Nobody likes to lose control; there's nothing worse.  It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task.  Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning.  No matter how hard you fight it, you fall.  It's scary as hell.  Except there's an upside to the free fall.  It's the chance you give your friends to catch you."

Confessions.  Sometimes it soothes the soul to confess to something.  Other times, confessing just opens a can or worms you wish had just stayed shut!  And maybe confessions are like losing control. Once those confessions are out in the open, they can't be taken back and whatever control was there to keep them under wraps is gone.  So I thought I would offer up some true confessions of my own.

1. Tracking hasn't been on my brain lately.  I don't know if I haven't just out of spite of the new updated app.  The fact that IPhone 4 users have been left out in the dust or what.  I will track breakfast and maybe a snack and if I'm lucky lunch but it ends there.  I haven't really tracked on the other app (one that counts calories) either.  I think I get so complacent with what I eat that I know the points of my Cheerios breakfast and my salad I have for lunch.  I know I would be shocked to know what I've been eating that I haven't been jotting down.

2. I eat things I really shouldn't.  The chocolate chips, the croutons, cookie dough, still all very real. I tout myself on eating clean, and for the most part I do, but there are those times when I give in.  I know it's part of life, but the fear is still very real and at the forefront of my mind.  If I eat the chocolate chips, to me it's just the same as eating a slice of pizza.  Food scares me.  When I was packing up for Christmas Cookie Drop, I saved out a few cookies to eat that Sunday.  And I ate the cookies along with the peanut clusters that wouldn't fit in the containers. I ate some cookie dough (see later confession) because of those emotions that come knocking.  I need to be honest with myself and if I am going to eat clean, then make a point to do it.  Leave the not so good things for me on the shelf in the store where they belong.

3. Losing 200+ pounds isn't all that great.  I have yet to find a book/manual that guides you through the process of losing 200+ pounds.  It took me about 2 years to lose more than half of my original body weight and I am still struggling.  Honestly, 200 lbs. isn't enough for me.  That's what I honestly think.  To me, that's still not far enough from the 375 lb. person that walked through the doors.  I struggle every day with the psychological aspects.  It sucks.  So why, you may ask, did I make losing 200 lbs and reach the weight of 175 my goal?  Even numbers are wonderful.  I thought losing 200 lbs. was what I was supposed to do.  When that much weight is lost, a whole person is gone.  It's almost like you need to have a funeral of a bon voyage party.

4. Maintenance is hard.  I am supposed to stay within 2 lbs. either way of my goal weight for six weeks.  Let me tell you, it is soooo much harder than losing the weight.  When I was losing the weight, if I had a night out and ate something out of the norm, I wasn't having to worry will I stay within those 2 lbs.  I am just hanging on for the next 3 weeks hoping I can make it.   I'm supposed to learn how to maintain the weight.  How?  Am I supposed to do something to crush the fears (which there are many) I have of the weight coming back on?  Maintenance is the last door I go through before I am pushed out into the real world.  For a person with OCD, which I have, talk about anxiety!

5. A new me? Really?  The psychology of losing 200 lbs. sucks! You think you're a new person when really you're not.  I'm supposed to embrace this new me when sometimes all I really want to do is invite the old me back in (parts of her anyway).  Play pretend that everything is new and it's not. Trying to be a new person is not in the cards but being the old person is not right either.  I don't want to be the old me, but what the hell do I do?  Thought once I lost all this weight things would be better and in reality they are not.  There are still issues, just different ones....sometimes more.  Some days I like the improved me; other days, I just wish I could hold up in my house and cry.

6. I want to get off the train and come home.  I have been on this psychological trip for 2 years.  I am ready to come home.  As my friend put it, I've been working so hard and now the battle is looked at from a different angle.  So she says take this part of the journey one day at a time.  Easier said than done when I'm an impatient person.  Should I choose my battles and go at them with gusto? Or handle them one at a time?  I gave it all I had and more to lose a whole person.  It was a mandated decision and choice.  But when you're on a journey and you're not having fun, aren't you supposed to be able to turn around and come home?  If I hadn't reached my goal, no, I wouldn't turn around at mile 98.  And some would say maintenance is that mile 98.  I just know I haven't liked all of the attractions I've seen along the way.  Very few pictures of what I've seen.

7. I do not love my new body.  I look in the mirror and from the neck down I still see the fat me.  I see the lose skin that hangs.  I see the "granny" butt as I like to call it.  I look at the bat wings underneath my arms.  And yes, they are battle scars but I don't feel pretty or normal. The skin between my thighs is wrinkled. With the media hype about image and how to look, how am I supposed to love this body so someone else can?  Which brings me to the next confession.........

8.  The single scene still sucks! This has been buried before, but in reality I really want that special person.  I deserve that.  I want my plus one.  Someone who can't wait to see me.  I am a great catch...........I don't have an issue with your kids.  I don't have an issue with an ex. What is it about me????  Tried them all (just to appease my friends who have had success)....got burned and stood up by some fake profile.  Don't have much faith in them.  Maybe I'm not a catch.  I have put myself out there and each time come back with new burns.  My self-esteem can be up high one minute but it gets knocked down a peg when a guy won't even meet for coffee!  Or when a mutual friend wrinkles their nose with 'oh I wouldn't do that to him.' But pushes for someone else they like better.  Really!! New rejections.  So, for the single guys out there, breathe a sigh of relief because I won't be vying for your attention, messaging you hoping you return the courtesy or suggesting coffee. Men suck! I think I'm Done!

9.  Despite all of this, I do feel better....  It excites me that I can get up and walk 10  miles in the morning and come home in the afternoon and walk 4-6 more.  When I see the blood pressure number in the normal range, it makes me feel good.  I feel empowered that I can bypass Burger King without flinching.  I feel amazing that just 2 years ago I would never have thought to enter a 5K, let alone a half marathon.  I am humbled by the friends I have in my life now. And the support I have gotten during this journey.  The fact that I have kicked diabetes in just over a year.  That my friends continually lift me up and tell me I'm unstoppable.  On days when my emotions are where everyone can see them, I think about that.  It is amazing that when I have a week like this last one I may console myself with a few bites of cookie dough or some chocolate but then I walk with ferocity like my feet are on fire.  And my friend usually gets the brunt of the ticked off me and the punishment.

There is always something to confess to.  Confessions about food.......what has been eaten, really eaten.  Emotional confessions.  And sometimes control is lost when those confessions are expressed.  These are just a few of my confessions.  Most of mine are emotional and psychological confessions.  And I don't like to be out of control.  But sometimes confessions need to be made.  It cleanses the soul and you breathe a sigh once those things are given to the universe.