"Nobody likes to lose control; there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you."
Confessions. Sometimes it soothes the soul to confess to something. Other times, confessing just opens a can or worms you wish had just stayed shut! And maybe confessions are like losing control. Once those confessions are out in the open, they can't be taken back and whatever control was there to keep them under wraps is gone. So I thought I would offer up some true confessions of my own.
1. Tracking hasn't been on my brain lately. I don't know if I haven't just out of spite of the new updated app. The fact that IPhone 4 users have been left out in the dust or what. I will track breakfast and maybe a snack and if I'm lucky lunch but it ends there. I haven't really tracked on the other app (one that counts calories) either. I think I get so complacent with what I eat that I know the points of my Cheerios breakfast and my salad I have for lunch. I know I would be shocked to know what I've been eating that I haven't been jotting down.
2. I eat things I really shouldn't. The chocolate chips, the croutons, cookie dough, still all very real. I tout myself on eating clean, and for the most part I do, but there are those times when I give in. I know it's part of life, but the fear is still very real and at the forefront of my mind. If I eat the chocolate chips, to me it's just the same as eating a slice of pizza. Food scares me. When I was packing up for Christmas Cookie Drop, I saved out a few cookies to eat that Sunday. And I ate the cookies along with the peanut clusters that wouldn't fit in the containers. I ate some cookie dough (see later confession) because of those emotions that come knocking. I need to be honest with myself and if I am going to eat clean, then make a point to do it. Leave the not so good things for me on the shelf in the store where they belong.
3. Losing 200+ pounds isn't all that great. I have yet to find a book/manual that guides you through the process of losing 200+ pounds. It took me about 2 years to lose more than half of my original body weight and I am still struggling. Honestly, 200 lbs. isn't enough for me. That's what I honestly think. To me, that's still not far enough from the 375 lb. person that walked through the doors. I struggle every day with the psychological aspects. It sucks. So why, you may ask, did I make losing 200 lbs and reach the weight of 175 my goal? Even numbers are wonderful. I thought losing 200 lbs. was what I was supposed to do. When that much weight is lost, a whole person is gone. It's almost like you need to have a funeral of a bon voyage party.
4. Maintenance is hard. I am supposed to stay within 2 lbs. either way of my goal weight for six weeks. Let me tell you, it is soooo much harder than losing the weight. When I was losing the weight, if I had a night out and ate something out of the norm, I wasn't having to worry will I stay within those 2 lbs. I am just hanging on for the next 3 weeks hoping I can make it. I'm supposed to learn how to maintain the weight. How? Am I supposed to do something to crush the fears (which there are many) I have of the weight coming back on? Maintenance is the last door I go through before I am pushed out into the real world. For a person with OCD, which I have, talk about anxiety!
5. A new me? Really? The psychology of losing 200 lbs. sucks! You think you're a new person when really you're not. I'm supposed to embrace this new me when sometimes all I really want to do is invite the old me back in (parts of her anyway). Play pretend that everything is new and it's not. Trying to be a new person is not in the cards but being the old person is not right either. I don't want to be the old me, but what the hell do I do? Thought once I lost all this weight things would be better and in reality they are not. There are still issues, just different ones....sometimes more. Some days I like the improved me; other days, I just wish I could hold up in my house and cry.
6. I want to get off the train and come home. I have been on this psychological trip for 2 years. I am ready to come home. As my friend put it, I've been working so hard and now the battle is looked at from a different angle. So she says take this part of the journey one day at a time. Easier said than done when I'm an impatient person. Should I choose my battles and go at them with gusto? Or handle them one at a time? I gave it all I had and more to lose a whole person. It was a mandated decision and choice. But when you're on a journey and you're not having fun, aren't you supposed to be able to turn around and come home? If I hadn't reached my goal, no, I wouldn't turn around at mile 98. And some would say maintenance is that mile 98. I just know I haven't liked all of the attractions I've seen along the way. Very few pictures of what I've seen.
7. I do not love my new body. I look in the mirror and from the neck down I still see the fat me. I see the lose skin that hangs. I see the "granny" butt as I like to call it. I look at the bat wings underneath my arms. And yes, they are battle scars but I don't feel pretty or normal. The skin between my thighs is wrinkled. With the media hype about image and how to look, how am I supposed to love this body so someone else can? Which brings me to the next confession.........
8. The single scene still sucks! This has been buried before, but in reality I really want that special person. I deserve that. I want my plus one. Someone who can't wait to see me. I am a great catch...........I don't have an issue with your kids. I don't have an issue with an ex. What is it about me???? Tried them all (just to appease my friends who have had success)....got burned and stood up by some fake profile. Don't have much faith in them. Maybe I'm not a catch. I have put myself out there and each time come back with new burns. My self-esteem can be up high one minute but it gets knocked down a peg when a guy won't even meet for coffee! Or when a mutual friend wrinkles their nose with 'oh I wouldn't do that to him.' But pushes for someone else they like better. Really!! New rejections. So, for the single guys out there, breathe a sigh of relief because I won't be vying for your attention, messaging you hoping you return the courtesy or suggesting coffee. Men suck! I think I'm Done!
9. Despite all of this, I do feel better.... It excites me that I can get up and walk 10 miles in the morning and come home in the afternoon and walk 4-6 more. When I see the blood pressure number in the normal range, it makes me feel good. I feel empowered that I can bypass Burger King without flinching. I feel amazing that just 2 years ago I would never have thought to enter a 5K, let alone a half marathon. I am humbled by the friends I have in my life now. And the support I have gotten during this journey. The fact that I have kicked diabetes in just over a year. That my friends continually lift me up and tell me I'm unstoppable. On days when my emotions are where everyone can see them, I think about that. It is amazing that when I have a week like this last one I may console myself with a few bites of cookie dough or some chocolate but then I walk with ferocity like my feet are on fire. And my friend usually gets the brunt of the ticked off me and the punishment.
There is always something to confess to. Confessions about food.......what has been eaten, really eaten. Emotional confessions. And sometimes control is lost when those confessions are expressed. These are just a few of my confessions. Most of mine are emotional and psychological confessions. And I don't like to be out of control. But sometimes confessions need to be made. It cleanses the soul and you breathe a sigh once those things are given to the universe.
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