She believed she could, so she did

  "She believed she could, so she did."   

That's one of my favorite quotes.   I have a handful of them, including scriptures.  

It's been a few months since I've written anything.  I was thinking how this blog has transformed over the years, just like me.  It started out as a blog to chronicle my weight loss journey.   I delved into how losing 200 lbs. affected me mentally and the adjustments made.  

Things certainly weren't the same.  I actually liked being active.  I started running and had actually good times.  I remember the day when I told my running/walking buddy I wanted to do a half marathon.  She said she'd do it with me.  There was no turning back.  At that moment, I never fathomed I'd complete 13.1 miles in under 3 hours.  But I did and went on to complete 2 more.  

 I saw a quote the other day, "Start where you are.  Not where you want to be, not where you think you should be."  The words, "....not where you used to be" could be added as well.  There are days I think my mind sometimes expects me to be the age I am in my head.  

"The real reward isn't that you cross the finish line.  Instead, it's that you BECOME the person who can cross the finish line, and that kind of achievement stays with you for a lifetime." 

In 2016, I became that person to cross my own finish line.  After that, I felt invincible.  There wasn't anything I couldn't do.  As someone who used to weigh over 300 lbs., I never fathomed crossing a finish line....of anything.  Yet, in the last 5 years, I have crossed numerous finish lines.  I plan to cross them as long as my legs can carry me.  

As 2021 saw live races again, I was excited about crossing more finish lines.  With that said, I did my first virtual race - The Woodlands half marathon.   Timing wasn't perfect, but I finished just the same.  I was excited to be in my first 10 mile race.  I worked in the Texas summer heat and humidity for it.  

Not only is there the physical aspect of losing a drastic amount of weight, but there is the mental side.   The mental must be worked on as the weight is lost, otherwise, in your head lies the person you worked so hard to get rid of.   In the last year I had to deal with her.  She burrows down and starts whispering those negative thoughts.  That's what happened with the last race I entered.   Those thoughts plus some anxiety.   It was a rough day.  After I had one of those shoulda coulda woulda moments, kicking myself for making the decision I did, after some rest and reflection, I remembered how far I've come.   Just to want to enter another race and be at the start line.  

I was also reminded that a race is just a paragraph on a page of a chapter.  Doesn't make the chapter any less thrilling.  So it's time to write another paragraph.   He ended his message with "You are an overcomer and champion."  

Motivation is found in many different places.  I mentioned to one fellow runner one particular morning I encountered what I could only guess was someone who had too much to drink.  As I passed by them, I started running faster to make sure I was too far in front.  I joked and said maybe that needs to be my next strategy.  Pretend there's a drunk on the course and I need to get away.  I find motivation in all things.  I watched Ironman videos in the last weeks.  No, I'm not going to compete in an Ironman....I could see the wheels spinning in your heads.  But the stories of those participants are remarkable.  I have also watched videos of our local marathon.  Somehow imagining me running across the finish line.  

Now, I think to myself, if those people can overcome such odds as cancer, ALS, lost limbs, or autism, then there's no stopping me.  My motivation.....not returning to the person I was in 2013.  That's my motivation.   And those that support me with encouraging words, showing up at the finish lines and being my sidekick.  

I can't wait to see what finish lines I cross in the next year!  You can bet I'll do it with Glitter all the Weigh! 

Christina 

How did I get here?

"I am proud of the woman I am today; I went through one hell of a time to become her." 

I started this blog 6 years ago this month.  Hopefully, I have some new readers and/or followers so I thought I'd write about how this blog started and my story of how I got here.   Get comfy, grab a cup of coffee, and the iPad.  My first blog post was Just here to tell a story and published on May 21, 2015.   The idea was suggested by a lady in a Weight Watcher meeting.   I didn't know the first thing about writing a blog.  But I came up with a name (I think it suits me since I like anything sparkly and shiny).  The idea of this blog was to chronicle this personal journey of mine.    

When I started the blog, I was already down 165 lbs.  I lost that weight in just over a year.  Something I couldn't quite fathom or comprehend.  Just a year earlier I had no idea what was in store for me.  It took a serious aha moment to make me sit up and realize this was serious business.  For the better part of my adult life, I used food as a shield, not wanting to admit it was also the problem.  I used it as a shield from so many things.... dating, rejection, social activities.  It became a security blanket.  It never judged me or rejected me.  

I ushered 2014 in with some low back pain, thinking it was a pulled muscle.  Then March arrived and told me things were about to change.   A trip to the ER was the beginning of a 6-day hospital stay.  Diabetic sugars of 534 which could have proved to be deadly.  There have been moments when I think if I hadn't gone to the ER when I did, I would not be here telling you this story.  

The next few months were spent adjusting to a new ballgame and its rules.  Soon it became easy, and the weight started dropping.  Every time I stepped on the scale; numbers went down.  I hit the first 50, then 100, then 150 lbs.  I couldn't believe it.  This was what I had dreamt about.  When I stepped on the scale shortly before my 44th birthday, I was down 165 lbs.  I had a decision to make.  The decision of what my goal would be.  So, after discussing it with my doctor, I set what I thought was my final goal.  I reached that goal on Father's Day of 2016.  I remember stepping on the scale, feeling tears streaming down my face.  I did it!

There were other surprises in store though.  Good surprises.  I started walking half marathons every day, yes which prompted me to enter my first official half marathon.  So, on the day I was to reach Lifetime, I stepped on the scale and had another decision to make.  I reset what I thought had been my final goal.   This final goal would have me losing 200 lbs.  My thinking behind this was I wanted to be far enough from my starting number that I couldn't see it.  

I reached that goal just six months after reaching the first one.  And it was in December before Christmas.  What an early Christmas present!!  In January of 2016, I reached Lifetime.  The day before weighing in, I walked about 5-6 miles with a friend of mine.  We discussed stepping on the scale and what if the number was too low.  I decided to step on the scale first (before it was registered) and if it was too low, I’d wear my shoes.  That did the trick.  I weighed in at a number I hadn’t seen since high school. 

My life has been a whirlwind since then.  I've learned things about myself.  I've conquered several things I never thought I would do.  Finished 3 half marathons and several other races.  Conquered paddle board yoga - read about it here. There have been ups and downs, as with everything, but I try to take them in stride.  

Among some of the important things I learned was the mental aspect must be worked on as well.  While I was actively losing the weight, I concentrated on the physical part and neglected the mental side.  Because of that, that little voice kept showing back up.  The voice that belonged to the old me.  So, I am working on the mental side and making sure it’s on the same page as the physical.

I am excited about the next 50 years.  I have plans that just 10 or 15 years ago I couldn’t imagine.  

Looking forward to the next 50 years....of course they will be glitter all the weigh. 

"Nothing changes except what has to..."

Before you get comfy and start reading, you may have noticed a change in the blog title.  I think it adds a sporty touch to it.  I am still about being a healthier me and losing some unwanted pounds, but as you read, my mindset is shifting.  

If there's one thing to be known about me, it's I do not like change.  Let me correct.... there are some changes I am okay with.  But mostly, change scares me.  

I'm okay if I make the change (what I eat, change up in activity, etc.).  But it's the change of the unknown that makes me have the heebie-jeebies.  

In recent months, I've hit a stall, a plateau if you will.  My focus blurred.  Comfortability with food set in.  The little voice I tried to muffle is back trying to be the voice of reason.  Well, that must stop.    How do you handle that little voice?  

So, in an effort to get my focus clear again, I started with some evaluating of the journey I've taken these last 7-8 years. (before you tell me that what I am about to say is right, the fact remains I will always have some struggle.)  My focus has been to lead a healthier lifestyle and working on getting my lifetime goal weight back.   

There has been a shift.  Mindset shift.  Oh, I still want to lose these unwanted friends that found their way back.  Getting back to the happy number.  I know I can get there.  I still need accountability, but I wonder if I've learned all I can from Weight Watchers.  

The shift is fueling my body properly for the things I have planned for it.  Realizing my body is capable of so much more and telling my mind I can do whatever I set it to do.  (I used to have that confidence but lost it somewhere along the way) 

I turn the Big 50 in a few weeks.  It's another somewhat big milestone.  What do I want for myself in the next 50 years?  Hmmm.  I want so many things.  I want to make sure I honor my body by eating healthy.  I want to continue running and entering races.  On the personal side...well, that's for another blog/post. 

Recently, I attended and watched my first triathlon.  I cheered on some runner friends that were there to cross a triathlon off their bucket list.  They gave 110% to swim in somewhat rough waters, hurriedly climb on a bike to trek around town, then finish with a 5k/10k run.  I watched as these athletes emerged from the water to climb on the bikes, then complete a run to the finish.  It's hard not to be inspired or motivated. There were people of every size and shape accomplishing something really big.  I get inspired and motivated every time I watch a race.  I have this fear of looking stupid when I go on a run. (Maybe that's why I run while everyone is sleeping). But I pile the hair on my head and strike out to run my best.  Because at the finish line or after a long run, there are the cheers, woo hoos, and pats on the back.

I recently started on a different journey of mine.  A bit of a secret project.  Something I used to do but fell out of practice.  Thought if I wanted to be serious and conquer some big goals, I would need a little help.  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  Stick with me and watch me shine! 

I doubt the 25, 35, or even 45-year-old me thought this is what I'd be doing when I turn 50.  This excites me.  That and having not 1, but 3 bikinis in my drawer to wear this summer!  

Remember when you run, do it with glitter all the weigh! 

 

What comfort zone?!

"The miracle isn't that I finished.  

The miracle is that I had the courage to start." 

It's the time of year when men and women take to the streets to run their hearts out.  Some to set PRs (personal records), some to qualify for Boston Marathon, and others to just cross something off their bucket list.   It's time I set my eyes on a bigger mountain.  

I remember my first half marathon in March of 2016.  I made lifetime in January reaching my goal weight and losing 202 lbs.  I was already walking 10+ miles a day so was conditioned to run/walk the 13.1 miles.  Not sure what spurred me to sign up for the race.  My devoted running/walking buddy said she'd do it with me so I thought, why not?  It was AMAZING!  From the spectators, fellow runners, and the finish line, of course.  At mile 9 I remember crying professing my exhaustion.  My friend reminded me that I could do the last 4 miles in my sleep.  We were running intervals to reserve our energy to run across the elusive finish line.   As we approached the last turn and heard the crowds and announcer, I couldn't believe it.  I was going to finish my first half marathon.  We sprinted across it, our finish time just under 3 hours.  

There is something empowering, thrilling and indescribable running across the finish line, receiving a medal of a job well done.  Bananas were gone, but I didn't care.  I accomplished something that I NEVER thought or imagined doing.  From weighing 375 lbs., losing 202 of them, to finishing 13.1 miles.  Yep, empowering and indescribable.

In 2018, I decided to enter The Woodlands Half Marathon again.  This time, I had more training to do.  Gone were the 10 mile days.  Another friend said she'd do it with me.  Her first, my second.   To congregate among runners (both seasoned and new) was still exciting.  Our finish time was a little over 3 hours (due to me waiting on my friend...I was not about to let her finish alone).  Tears filled my eyes along the course as strangers shouted my name with encouragement.  And as I approached the finish line, more friends held signs with pink glitter praising a job well done.  

I recount this because they are experiences I will not forget.  Three years passed before I signed up again.  I volunteered at the 2020 The Woodlands Marathon.  There is something motivating and inspiring about being at the finish line.  So when registration for 2021 opened I immediately signed up for my 3rd half marathon, not realizing what the year held.  Due to the events of the year, and my anxiety, I decided to go virtual for this one.  On my own time, my own course.  I have not been in the best shape and feared I wouldn't finish in time.  Fearing I would have to do it alone, I prepared myself.  Thirteen miles of self reflection.  But I had a friend do it with me and she made sure I finished.  Receiving the medal in the mail was just as rewarding.  This time even more so.  Three half marathons under my belt.  

I also joined a running club. I didn't know the first thing about joining a running club but I was following someone on Instagram who encouraged me to join.  I joined during the wildest of years.  Races in 2020 were canceled.  But things are slowly returning.  Recently I embarked on a secret project if you will.  Working to strengthen what I already have.  To go beyond what I do.  I can no longer see my comfort zone.  And I like it.   I can only imagine what's in store for me.  My mind seems to be shifting more towards staying/being healthier, leaner, in better shape.  Don't get me wrong, I still care about the number on the scale.  Maybe not just as much.  

"I didn't come this far to only come this far.  I came this far so I could be strong enough to go further!  I would be good enough to push myself harder!  I'm only getting started...

This is just the beginning."

Minds.....and thoughts.....can always be changed

Women seem to get joked about when it comes to changing their minds.  We can never settle on one decision.  And that a man's thoughts go in straight lines in his mind.  Whereas a woman's thoughts are like spaghetti and never follow a straight line.  Maybe so, but we seem to have done well for ourselves so far.  

When I started my weight loss journey in 2014, I had no idea what path I embarked on.  No decisions were made, other than I had to lose weight if I wanted to get my diabetes under control.  No numbers were thought of.  Surprisingly no goals made ahead of time.  I took it as it came.  Awesome days/weeks, good days/weeks, not so good days/weeks.  And eventually I went from 375 lbs to 173 lbs in about a year and a half.  

I was learning how to change my eating and adjust to a healthier lifestyle.  I realized my health could no longer afford the pizzas, burgers, ice cream and junk food I once ate.  If I wanted to live into my golden years, I needed to make some changes.  In order to find things that worked best, I changed up what I ate, what activity I did.  

Those changes, for the most part, stayed true through the entire journey.  Along the way I was known to change my mind about this weight loss of mine.  I changed what I ate.  I changed how many miles I walked.  I changed how I looked at things.  All for the better.  The changes seemed to work and afforded me to reach my weight loss goal in 2015.  

That was five years ago.  Since then, there have been five years of changes.  Changes in thought and actions. Life changes.  When I reached my weight loss goal and reached a weight I hadn't seen since high school, or for that matter junior high, I thought I would be at that weight for the rest of my life.  I proclaimed the weight would never come back on.  I was going to remain at this number and would continue to wear a size 12.  Experience new things with this new weight of mine. 

Over the last five years, my mind and body have battled to find a neutral space and be on the same page.  My mind wants to get back to the number I reached in 2015.  The number I once called happy weight.  My body is struggling to get there.  I almost got there in 2017-2018 but it was short lived.  I changed things around in hopes that it would kick start something.  My body seemed to be stubborn.  

So 2020 is preparing to go out with a bang.  It was a tough year for sure.  Instead of getting tough and working to lose the weight, I went through a period of feeling abandoned.  The constants I relied on were gone.  One thing I have learned the last 6-7 years is that I cannot remain successful on my own.  I need that accountability.  I have gained some of the weight back.  And for me, one who adamantly proclaimed it wouldn't come back, is saddened.  Sure, I could blame several issues. But it's all on me.  

So, I did some thinking and once again, made some changes.  I am slowly working back to getting 4-5 miles done in the morning.  Five miles might be a stretch with a time issue, but I can do 4 miles.  I also had a conversation with my body.  It reminded me that my body is 4-5 years older.  I will turn 50 in 2021.  Maybe my body can't successfully sustain a weight like I reached in 2015.  

I asked my doctor if we could go back to my original weight goal.  The one I reached on Father's day in 2015.  It was somewhat of a hard decision to come to.  But, it's a better, easy to reach, number.  One that I believe I can maintain.  Once I reach it, I can always lose a little more.  

It may take me all of 2021 to reach this modified goal, but it'll be a little less stressful.  Doesn't mean I won't change things up.  Nothing changes except what has to.  It's trial and error.  My doctor once told me that what worked before won't work now.  

Hopefully six months from now - maybe 9, I'll be back saying that I finally reached goal weight and redeemed my lifetime status.  

Of course, I'll do it with Glitter All the Weigh! 

Happy New Year!

Help! I've been kidnapped!

I have been kidnapped.  Kidnapped by the former version of me. She's like a relative or friend overstaying their welcome.  No ransom has been specified yet. For the last two or three years, I've been working on getting back to my happy number.  That number that had me jumping up and down.  The number that made giggle when I shopped for clothes.  That number that made me feel good about myself.  Confident.  Accomplished.  

As with an obstacle course, the obstacles get more challenging over time.  First one was the toxic job environment; finally cleared.  Second was this pandemic.  If I had been smart, I should have stayed on course, and could have, would have, lost weight.  But as we know, all things can't be easy.  

During, and after, my weight loss, I realized the truly hardest part of losing weight was not completely changing my lifestyle.  It's not about saying goodbye to fast food, junk food, or sugar.  It's managing not only the reactions from family and friends, but of my own emotions.  I began walking half marathons every day, while my family and friends were dealing with a huge adjustment.  

It feels like I am on this moving track that goes in circles.  I see the same things over and over again. But also on this track are reminders of what I was when I was at that happy number, just as reminders of the person I was at 375 lbs.  I can't seem to get off this moving track.  

"You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it."

This track also has some speed bumps or roadblocks.  Where or where is that Easy button everyone talks about.  Even the flattest courses can have obstacles.  

I want the version of me that religiously watched what she ate, leaving out chocolate, sweets, fast food, etc.  I want the version of me that laughed in the face of a challenge.  She somehow became lost.

Lost in the negative talk.  Lost in the feeling of insecurity.  Lost in the feeling of the unknown.  It was as if I was going in reverse.  Those deep rooted emotions from being overweight bubbled up to the surface.  

When I reach my goal weight, I swore to myself it would never come back on.  I wanted to be as far from 375 lbs as I could.  But something happened in the year or so after I reached that goal I thought I'd never reach.  Life happened.  Yep.  The ins and outs of every day life.  Jobs.  Socializing.  And stress.  Rejection yet again.  And before I knew it, some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose found its way back.  Like an unwanted neighbor.  

Everything I worked so hard for and changed seemed to unravel.  Yes I was doing things I hadn't thought of doing even 4 years ago, but my confidence started to wane.   I no longer went after things with gusto.  Giving up sounded easier.  

I've always said there's a special club for those that lose over 200 lbs.  If you think about it, that's an entire person.   And I believe for the weight loss to be truly successful, and as weird as this may sound, I believe grieving for the former version of me was crucial.   To get that closure, which apparently I have yet to have.  

I just can't seem to break free of invisible restraints to get back to the person I want to be.  I've always said getting the right mindset after losing the weight and reaching goal is just as important as the physicality.  It's as if the overweight version and the thin version are battling it out.  And right now, the overweight version seems to be winning.  It's a tough game to play and rules seem to change every day.  I won at it once and aim to win at it again.  Hoping sooner than later I can give my kidnapper the boot for good.

Of course doing this with glitter all the weigh!

Christina 

Creating Balance and Routine admidst crazy times

"Balance is not something you find, it's something you create."

Hello fellow hunker downers.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think 2020 is the plague?  I feel like the memes circulating social media....throwing up a tree and drinking a little champagne and calling it a year.  Whew!  For someone that has anxiety and is not amenable to change (most of the time), this hiccup has been the worst.  I was already above goal and not having much success getting it off then we all had to become "hunker downers."  Workouts went virtual, only thing left in the grocery store was protein bars, cookies, and wine, and those that liked running with someone were forced to do it alone.  

I began to feel like I was "forced" to face this weight gain head on. One of my constants, Weight Watchers, had also shuttered, leaving us to "weigh on our own."  Uh, okay.  I almost felt like I was left behind.  If I could do this on my own, there wouldn't have been the hospital visit, diagnoses of diabetes, and hard work.  If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have weighed in at 375 lbs in November of 2013.   Yet here I was almost symbolically throwing in the towel.  And as stupid as it was, came up with excuses.  I have at least 3 months since they extended the virtual meetings another month.  I'll start Monday.  This would be much better if my treadmill worked or the apartment would open up their fitness room.  If it rains, I have no way of getting my walk in.  And it goes and goes.

I somehow let the 375 lb me sneak in.  She somehow got to the front of the line and ahead of the version I was trying to channel.  The version that religiously followed the Weight Watchers program.  The version that stuck to menus and chose not to eat certain things.  The version that worked so hard to get to where I am today.  Where is that girl?  

I was reminiscing while looking back at my old blog posts.  I embraced this whirlwind lifestyle.  I embraced changing my eating habits to become healthier.  Learning to enjoy fitness and activities.  I somehow lost that feeling in the last few years.  I realize it's all me.  Sure job loss, then a stressful job, then the shutdown may have contributed to this weight gain, I know it's all me.  It was ME who decided to stroll down the aisles with candy, cookies, and chocolate.  It was ME who sat on the couch and ate.  No one else.  But yet, I was still making excuses.  

As time has progressed and little by little life is returning to some sense of 2020 BC (or for that matter 2019 BC) [do I have to spell out what BC is - Before Covid], I was anxious to get back outside for boot camp, meet new people in the running club I just joined, and get back the life I had.  But I realized when I stepped back outside to get those Camp Gladiator modified burpees or high knees done, the 375 lb version held me back.  

 Fear. That is what fueled me before.  It was fear that had me crying when I stepped on the scale when I walked in Weight Watchers the first time.  Fear.  Once I reached a goal I thought was unattainable, I feared the weight would slowly make its way back on.  Fear succeeded and it did.  Fear.  I can't create a balance with fear.  I know, I know.  Live life without worrying about the scale, yada yada.  That's not the way I roll.  When I was knocking out half marathons most days, people would be in awe of what I did.  I once told a friend that at the end of the day I want to know I've done everything I can not to have the weight come back on.  Where is that person?!  

It's a process I know.  And while I appreciate the encouraging comments that I can do this, people have seen me do it before, sometimes I'd rather wave a wand and it magically go away.  I'd like to wave a wand and have 2020 start over.  Sigh.  So I have a few things to do.  Try to get the version back that was all in at the start.  The version who laughed in the face of fear.  The version who embraced obstacles.  Just promise me, when I get back there and back to my goal and happy number, there'll be a glittery finish line!  

How are you surviving 2020 so far?  We can do this.  On the other side of this dark side is a rainbow.   A glittery rainbow.