When it feels so right and like the first time

So I weighed in on Sunday (skipped last week since it was Easter) and lost 1.4 lbs.  I was hoping to lose a little more to get back to Onderland; but that just means my arrival in Onderland will be next week.  I've been missing Onderland so much.  Not sure if something in Twoterville was beckoning me to visit, but I'm ready to go back home.  

For some reason, an Alabama song was in my head.  So was a Foreigner song so I don't know what was going on.  

I have lost the last few weeks straight.....I think.  I think it's because I went back to the beginning...or am trying to get there.  I returned to my Sunday meetings and taking salads to work.  And it feels right.  I veered off the main path and thought I'd like a change.  Well, if anyone knows me well enough, they know I do not like change.  I worked hard to get to goal before the new Smart Points program, even though whether on maintenance or not, I'd have to learn to work it.

This is the first time I have actually cared to know how much I have lost/gained.  I wasn't looking at my number - not because it's not supposed to be about the number but because I didn't want to see how shameful I was going to be at myself - and that wasn't good.  I was in denial a little bit.  If I didn't look at that number, I could still play it off as being somewhat close to my number.  I couldn't seem to get out of the rut I was in.  And the rut got bigger and bigger.  I knew if I didn't do something I would soon lose control and land somewhere I didn't want to be.

So after my last relationship ended (hop over to my dating page to read more) I decided I had the time to focus on me again.  Put myself first.  Some mornings I would only walk half of what I normally did (5 miles) just so I could come in early to work.  I asked myself why?  I have always been told the work would still be here.  It has taken me a looong time to realize that.  It took a sit down with my supervising attorney for me to see that and to realize I'm a type A personality.  Me?  I never thought I was but apparently I am when it comes to my job.  So I walk my entire 5 miles (or until I get to my step goal for the day) and then I do a 10 minute circuit work out.  I am tracking again, even though I have to do it on the computer since I don't have the app, and sometimes it's hard to remember.  I've started prepping salads again.  It feels like the first time around when the weight was coming off.  I'm getting back to eating healthy.

I mentioned to my friend (and soul sister) that when I didn't eat the chocolate and snacky stuff, I feel much better.  Yet when I was in the rut, I would eat things I knew better.  I would have the chocolate, the pizza and not track it.  Looking at the points I have thinking, I have my weeklies and fit points left. When in reality, I probably was going through my weeklies on Sunday.  I wasn't being honest with myself.

I am committed to getting the weight of 2 boyfriends off and keeping it off.  I am focused on once I get to my happy number to learning how to maintain it.  Once I get back to that number, it will NEVER go back on.  I am committed to making sure of that.  Boyfriends come and go, but I will always be on this journey.  They can be passengers, but I am in the drivers seat.  And now that I am on the main path again, it feels so right, kind of like the first time.

I know I have now put Alabama and Foreigner in your heads!  Just roll with it!  And remember, have fun with this journey...add glitter all the weigh!

Christina 

There's no time to relax or have a vacation

So I seem to have gone on vacation and decided to check out.  I didn't mean to.  I don't have time for a vacation really.  This last month stress has settled in and become my best friend.  I have been so scared I will turn to stress eating.  Thankfully I stayed on track for the most part and steered the car straight home instead of letting it go auto pilot and head to the store.  And because of my hard work and tracking, I have lost close to 9-10 lbs in the last 2 weeks.  

A vacation is supposed to help recharge.  Recharge so work will be a little easier to handle.  Recharge when stress is in abundance.  This "vacation" I've been on did the opposite.  I was on vacation from my exercise/activity.  Vacation from making healthy choices.  I realized that there is no vacation from this lifestyle.  No vacation from maintaining a weight loss.  If you need recharging, as in losing a few pounds, then maybe go back to the very beginning.  That's what I've almost had to do.  

I knew I needed a recharge when my clothes started getting tight.  I was determined NOT to buy bigger clothes.  And I realized just because I wanted to change meetings times didn't mean it would suddenly help me.  It's all mental.  I have to take responsibility for the weight I put on while on vacation. 

When the weight first started to come off, I felt great.  I felt motivated.  I was tracking every day. So what did I use this time to recharge from the vacation?  After this last relationship ended I realized maybe I need to focus on me and get serious about getting back to my goal weight.  I let myself go all because there was a man interested in me.  So I got serious.  I made a point to walk twice every day. And there would be no straying.  

It paid off.  I liked seeing the results and knowing I am doing the right thing.  I have no time to relax. If I relax, so will my choices.  I have to be on guard at all times.  I do have a real vacation planned in May.  That's about a month from now.  There is no time for a vacation if I want to be close to my happy number by then.

I may never be able to take a "vacation."  For some it's easy.  But for me, if I take a vacation I end up enjoying the "vacation" food too much rather than the sights.  I have to come realize it will be this way for the rest of my life.  There will be times I need to recharge.    

Spring has sprung and soon summer nights will be knocking at the door.  If there is a vacation planned in your future, don't make it a vacation from wise choices.  Still have fun, just responsibly.                                                                                                                

When do you call 911?

There is a chocolate cake on the table.  Beside it is a phone with only the numbers 911 on it.  In big bold numbers.  The cake could be sugar free, low calorie, made of black beans and zucchini.  But right now it's a chocolate cake.  Eat cake or dial 911?!  

I have commented that the last year (and apparently part of this year) was an adjustment.  I snatched the Lifetime achievement and somehow put it on a shelf to collect dust.  That's not what you are supposed to do after accepting an award, a trophy.  But I did.  I put it on a shelf to look pretty and I went about my day.  The boyfriend weight was a lot harder to come off and now there's more.  The old me has been silently, sneakily, making her way back into my life.  This time, she left the pizza, burgers, and ice cream at home but just brought new stuff.  Just about every day I tell myself I will track, track, and track everything.  I will watch what I eat, not having anything out of my comfort zone.  

I have come close to dialing 911......figuratively.  Some may say, it's just so many pounds, but to me, it's a failure.  My clothes are tight again.  I hate that feeling.  The short little skirts I bought in black and navy are tight and make me look like two pigs in a blanket.  What happened to the woman who was going to kick the old me to the curb?  What happened to the woman who basked in losing 202 lbs. and starting a new life?  I'm here, just a little more of me.  I wish there was a 911 for those on a weight loss journey to call when they need help.  Sure, Weight Watchers has one, but I'm talking about a non-biased person, who knows very little about Weight Watchers.  I could pick up a phone and dial 911 and that person would answer on other end of the phone.  

The over indulgence over the holidays continued past January, breezed into February, and now we are in March.  I know if I work hard, stop eating the graham crackers, chocolate chips, etc. it will come off.  I want to polish off the Lifetime trophy and display it proudly.  Display it proudly by the phone with 911 on it.  To remind me if I somehow NEED it, I can dial 911 but if I think about it, I don't need to.  

People continue to tell me how amazing and inspiring what I achieved was.  Even the new man in my life realizes what a feat it was.  He thinks it's awesome I did that without surgery.  But I don't feel inspiring at the moment.  I feel defeated.  One thing I learned about myself is that I am competitive. When the weight showed up again, I felt like I had lost a race.  I was going to have to go back to the starting line and start all over.  I wanted to dial 911.  

I am sure if there was a 911 for those feeling defeated at weight loss, the person would say it's not too late.  Look how far you've come already.  You can keep your place in line just start from the beginning.  So that's what I'm going to do.  Try not to dial 911.  I will not buy bigger clothes.  So may pants may be tight for a while.  So it may be early fall 2017 when I can wear the skirts again.  Right now I need to keep from dialing 911.  

If this is your first time reading my blog and feel like you've started reading in the middle of a book, check out my "pilot" post here.  

Side attractions are just that....side attractions. But sometimes you just want to set up camp and stay awhile

There are some trips where the side attractions are just as fascinating and alluring as the main destination.  But they are just side attractions.  They are to make the miles and miles of road to that wonderful bed and breakfast or beach less of a chore and more of a wonderful journey.  

These last few weeks I felt like I lost my map and got pulled into several side attractions.  Lost my map on the 100 mile journey and just decided to cop a squat.  I was so close to my happy number too. But now I am a little farther than I'd like.  How could I have let that happen?  Holidays are a BIG side attraction.  Christmas for me, specifically.  Then add dating, whew! It's like the main attraction just disappeared.  Cookies, nights out, candy, those things that send me flying!  Snacks, and more snacks. It's as if I just abandoned the Weight Watcher program altogether.  Threw it out the window hearing it plop on the ground.

This time around, I have found it harder to get back on the main road.  Harder to mean what I say and say what I mean.  Harder to track.  Clothes are tighter. Ugh!! That's how I know just how bad those side attractions were.  I've been told that everyone deals with this.  And while I take some comfort in that, it's happening to me.  I, who received the golden key to lifetime after losing 202 lbs and said they would never come back, am struggling now yet again.  I could blame it on my walking buddy moving away and abandoning me.  I could blame it on the fact I don't have a compatible phone.  But I know those are not the truths.  My friends still think what I did was amazing.  An awesome accomplishment.  But my mother, in all her sneaky eye looks, and nosy ways, I think can tell I haven't been as strict and maintained as I should.  I just tell her, yeah, I'm doing good.  Up and down a little here and there, but good.  Ha!  If she knew the real reason.

So where do I go now?  I would think the pavement on the 100 mile journey is worn down from so many travelers.  There was a time a couple of months ago I saw the light at the end of the road. Showing me I was almost there.  Then I veered off and the road looked like this.

I realize I am strong enough to know what it takes to get back on the straight and narrow.  I know that it would take just a few weeks to get back to where the light was shining at the end of the road, beckoning me to the main destination.   Have I lost all direction?  I need the fuel to get back on the road so I can arrive in a timely manner.  I sometimes think I need side blinders.  You know the kind you see on horses when they race.  Did I ever mention what my grandma used to say when we'd go to the mall?  I was young, overweight, but young....say around 10.  We'd pass by the food court and she'd say "Close your eyes and hold your nose."   I can't close my eyes entirely, but I could hold my nose.

Yes those side attractions are nice, sometimes sparkly.  And we should  stop and check them out.  But then get back in the car and get back on the road.

Finish the week strong! And oh lord, keep each other strong and on point next week! For it's heart day!

The magic wand is lost.........and I need a life coach

Where is a fairy god mother when you need her?  The one that waves her magic wand while singing Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo!  If she could transform Cinderella into the princess that was loved and envied by everyone, surely her wand could send me back to that magical number.  The number that made me feel like a princess.  

I over indulged during the holidays.  "Happy weight" as someone called it.  That's right......there's a man in my life.  Hop over to my other blog Dating and Afraid to read more. Can't I be happy without adding weight to the emotion?  A glass of wine here, one there, and dinners out.  Before that was Christmas.  I seemed to have thrown everything I know about making healthier choices out the window these last two weeks.

And because of that, I am a bit farther away from my goal, that magical number I reached last year.  I have faith I will get there before the spring.  I have to.  As Cinderella's fairy godmother said, "If you'd lost all faith, I wouldn't be here."  I'll continue going to my meetings because I haven't lost faith in losing the weight again.  The "happy weight" or as I call it, boyfriend weight.  And I'm thankful Weight Watchers will gladly help me.  

I am still struggling with the mental/psychology of it all.  It's only been a year since I reached a goal I hadn't really planned on reaching.  I thought last year was a year of adjustment.  And now with some of it going back on, I now struggle with other mental worries.  Will I ever reach that number again? Will WW ever be free for me again?  How could I go from someone who tracked everything and stayed away from most sweets to who I am now?  Did I get so comfortable after I lost 202 lbs. that food became my friend again?

I have a confession and as much as I don't want to make it known publicly, here goes.  Last week I was supposed to have dinner with this man.  I planned on making soup since it was cold.  I bought cookies for dessert...mainly for him in case he wanted one. Giddiness overcame me. I should have left them in the store. Dinner was postponed a day but the damage had already been done.  By the end of the day all 12 cookies were gone!  I know!  That meant I'd have to buy some more.  Prime example of why I stay away from sweets.  And why people do not understand.  So I had the cookies just sitting there and staring at me.  Sure I could have gone for a walk or made the apartment cleaner, but that didn't happen.  I had one cookie, then it became 2, so on and so on.  I cannot have just one!  Where was that magic wand then?

Today is a new day.  A new day to track seriously and reaffirm my faith in losing the weight and being a point where I can maintain.  It wouldn't hurt to have Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo on standby.

Y'all have a great week!  Spread a little glitter around!
Christina 

So have you started them yet? Better get out a pen and paper

"Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book.  Write a good one!"

Okay, so there is basically 2 weeks left until it starts all over again.  But they will go faster than you can blink.  Look how fast Christmas arrived just from Thanksgiving!  So, grab a pen and paper. Get a head start on them now.  Okay, take a day or two to brainstorm about what will go on the paper.

I was so happy last year when, for the first time, in a very long time, "lose weight" did not appear on my list of "resolutions."  Nor was the phrase "exercise more."  If you ask my mom, she might say I need to "exercise less."  Ha!  I was thinking of things I'd like to do this next year.  Unfortunately, lose weight makes an appearance.  Maybe I should say "get back to goal."  I am just 10 pounds away from the top of my range and not having to pay!  Let's pray I don't slip and slide!  Once I get back to that number, I am doing my VERY best not to leave.  

So, get back to goal is on my list, but so are a few other non-related weight things.  However, if I think about it, these things are somewhat weight related.....to me.  My former self would not have wanted to do these things.  Could not have done these things.  It's like the 6 degrees of..... game. Almost always, it all leads back to a successful weight loss journey.  I thought I'd share with you some of the things on my 2017 To Do list.  

Get back to goal has already been covered.....and ad nauseam I think.  

1. Participate in a 5k/month.  I had planned on doing that last year with my walking buddy, but didn't get around to it, then she moved.....yeah, that was a hard moment in my life. Plus I was out of work. So in 2017, I want to do a 5k a month.  I think I have found a buddy to do them with me.  Is a marathon on my list?  Maybe....but 2018.  I need to train a little more.  I am only walking half of what I used to walk (partly due to full time job) so I will need to train a little harder. 

2. Take a cooking class.  Just because it sounds fun.  I found a place just up the road that has cooking classes for the common people.  Nothing too fancy or too gourmet.  I have recruited two of my funny and fab neighbors to come along for the ride.  If anything, we'll cook for each other.  

3. Look into dance lessons.  So I watched a movie a few weeks back can't remember the name.  Had Richard Gere and J Lo in it.  A dance move.  Although learning how to two step sounds fun and probably a more logical choice, I would like to learn a more elegant way to dance.  Not that anyone will ask me to go dancing, just something to do.  You never know......new people to meet.  

4. Take a pole dancing class.  What?!  Yep a pole a dancing class.  For fitness reasons of course.  I know a friend who takes one and she loves it.  Again, I recruited a couple of my neighbors to come along with me so all three of us can make fools of ourselves.  But it'd be a new form of activity and I hear it's very good for you.  

5.  I resurrected my old bike earlier this year, but unfortunately it had to go into rehab.  Needs new tires, a new seat, and goodness knows what else.  But I'd like to make it like new again and start riding.  

6. Read up on how to really eat clean.  Yes, I eat clean MOST OF THE TIME but not exclusively.  I think that would help me with the cravings I sometimes have.  I want to really learn to honor my body and treat it well.  I want it to be around for a very long time.  If that means learning to eat things I've never tried before, then so be it.  I'm sure there'll be a few yuks! now and then. 

Starting January 1, 2017, I have a new book to write.  Crisp, white never been written on pages.  It's exciting to think how it will start and end, and all the things in the middle.  This past year, I have to come realize and accept, was a year of adjusting.  Like many, I reached lifetime and at a weight I haven't seen in, well many many years.  My mind checked out and I was desperately looking for something (or someone) to grab hold of to pull me back up.  All these things above ARE weight related in some fashion.  

I hope each one of my readers, friends, followers, and fellow Weight Watchers has a More than Merry Christmas and a Fantastical New Year!!  Mine of course will be GlitterAllTheWeigh!!!

Get excited about this new 365 page book!  

Sometimes all that is needed is to be understood

As I was trying to think of a quote to start out this blog, I clicked on You Tube.  You Tube suggests videos for you to watch.  I like the singer Sara Bareilles and her song Brave. But there is  song by her that just spoke to me and helped me inspire to write this blog.  You can watch and listen to it here: Used to Be Mine

I went to pieces last week when I put on just .4 lbs.  Not sure why I went to pieces and wanted to thrown in the towel......oh wait, yes I do.  Besides the Visitor being here, that .4 was just what I needed to cry and pout and maybe resign myself that I will never get back to my goal weight.  I stood there trying to listen to the leader who was trying so hard to comfort and encourage me.  Maybe the scale was trying to tell me this is where I needed to be....needed to stop.  I know it should be about more than just that black and white number on the scale, but it will always be a number to me.

People may not understand why I get up with the chickens to get my 10,000 steps in before work.  I had a friend of mine comment that the 13 miles (average) I used to walk daily was insane.  My response to him was I do it so at the end of the day I know I've done everything I can to prevent the weight (however small it might be) from creeping back on.

I know there are some that don't truly understand why I don't eat certain things.  I gave up many things when I was diagnosed diabetic and doing without them just became habit.  The vices I once had (the Diet Cokes, pizza, chips, etc.) are now replaced with healthier vices.  I do my best to eat cleanly and my vices now are apples and berries.   I realize we're supposed to indulge a little; have that ice cream or a pizza if we want.  That is what some do not understand about me.  There is a logical reason.  I choose not to eat those things because they are triggers for me.  That's why I don't eat cookies (try my best not to), cake, or candy.  If I have ONE cookie, I'll want another because one cookie is lonely without a mate.  So if I have 2, why not make it a triple.......you get the picture.  An example, the basket of overflowing leftover Halloween candy a few weeks ago at the office......I thought I could have a small box of Nerds candies.  I had one, then two, then two became three.

When I reached goal and then received the lifetime status, I wanted that weight to be so far gone it would disappear in the distance.  I think I will always have THAT fear of it coming back.  I realize it's supposed to "beyond the scale" and while this is a process, I wish people would understand that, to me, just a 5 pound gain scares me to death.  It means it's 5 pounds closer to a number I don't want.  And if I'm closer to a number fear, that means, all 375 pounds creeping back on is not far behind.

That most days I don't recognize me.......It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be.....I still remember that girl.....She is gone but she used to be mine....It's not what I asked for....

I know the the eyebrows are furrowing and thinking, she didn't ask to lose weight?  There are STILL days I wake up and after I get dressed don't even recognize me.  But when a few pounds come back, I am reminded of the girl I used to be.  It's a frightening thing.  It's hard to understand unless one has experienced it for themselves.  What I didn't ask for was all the difficulties of maintaining this weight, the psychology of it all.  I know it comes with the territory, just wish it was easier.  But then again, life is not always fair....but that's another blog for another day.

She is imperfect, but she tries......she is good but she lies.......she is hard on herself....she is broken and won't ask for help.....she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie.  A healthy pie!

There are days I don't track EVERYTHING I stick in my mouth.  I am way too hard on myself.  If I don't get my 5-6 miles in (or my 10,000 steps) I feel unproductive.  But that's what makes everyone unique.  The way a weight loss journey is handled.  And it helps if it's understood by people and like my non-existent dating life, if they just nod and say okay.

Have a great week!  Oh, update:  When I weighed in this past week, I lost 2.2 lbs.  Bust through that number I was stuck on.  Now if I can keep the momentum to reach the goal by the new year!

Christina