Aha: The God Moment That Changes Everything

"Sometimes life takes us places we never expected to go.  And in those places, God writes a story we never thought would be ours."  

I didn't realize it was January when I wrote a new post.  These last few months, I've dealt with emotional eating, finished my second half marathon, and landed a full time job (with a raise!).  The emotional eating caused me to go above my goal, so guess what.....yep I'm back on that ride again. But it's not going to be a year this time.  I plan to be back down to my goal, or below it, by early May.

I looked in the mirror this morning.  It's been four years since I crawled in the ER and spent six days in the hospital.  It'll be an anniversary, that although will become fainter as years go by, that will always be a significant moment in time.  There are days I like what I see.  Then days that I still see the obese - okay, fat - me.  I wonder when that will go away.  

To think four years I could have not made the decision to visit the ER, I may not be here today.  I could have decided to let the insulin do the work and not change anything.  I have written and spoken about that Aha! moment but I didn't reveal what tole it had on my family.  My brother-in-law told his co-workers his sister-in-law (me) was in the hospital and there's a chance he could have to leave without warning.  I read emails my parents sent their friends who asked about me.  They feared they could lose me.  Tears welled up in my eyes knowing they could have lost me.

How scary is that?  To realize your family actually feared they could lose a daughter, aunt, sister.  If that isn't an Aha! moment, I don't know what is. 

I realized God wasn't going to let that happen.  I don't always - okay, never - understand His plan for me or His timing, but I know He didn't have me walk through that storm for nothing.  Maybe it was to make me aware of the dishonor I was doing to my body.  Maybe He needed me to get healthy and well before He sent the person meant for me.  Well, apparently I'm not ready yet 🤣

I do know it was to show me if a change wasn't made, Elliott wouldn't have an aunt - let alone a fun aunt - much longer.  I wouldn't be around for my parents much longer - in fact, they'd have outlived me.  

Weight Watchers will always be a part of my life.  Making healthy choices will always be the priority.  I hope to get to a point where I don't have to worry about stepping on the scale - to pay or not to pay.  I have enjoyed this journey immensely.  Can't wait to see what's up ahead.

Yes, you made the decision to walk through the Weight Watchers door.  But maybe it was God taking you to a place you weren't expecting.  He was beginning to write your story. When I joined Weight Watchers in 2013, God was writing the fist chapter in my story.  

Y'all have an awesome week.  Spring is in the air!!! 

 

Dear 2018, I am ready!

On Sunday, 2017 comes to a close.  This time last year I was doing my best to get back to goal.  And this time a couple of years ago, I was celebrating reaching my final goal weight.  Yet trying to understand maintenance so I could reach lifetime.  This year I am at goal weight, have maintained lifetime for the last 3 months, and making healthy choices a priority.  I will end the year at goal once again, and start 2018 also at goal.  

A lot can happen in a year.  Early on it seemed I couldn't gain back my focus and was struggling with making healthy, wise choices.  I reconnected with a man whom I dated a couple of years ago and we started dating again.  We both overcame some unbelievable obstacles (more him than me) and I thought I had finally found someone who related to where I was going and where I came from.  Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out but I can say with pride that I didn't drown myself in Chex Mix, cookies, etc.  I woke up, dusted off, put some lipstick on and moved forward.  Okay, so maybe it didn't happen so quickly.  

I had help from Harvey and finally started losing.  I reached my goal and returned to Lifetime status in October.   Since it was like Death Valley in August when it came to my dating life, I was able to start with a fresh slate.   I was able to return to pre-boyfriend weight. 

I haven't written "resolutions" per se for the last few years.  In prior years "lose weight" was always at the top of the list.  For the last 2 years no mention of "losing weight."  This year, I decided to have a New Year's Bucket List.  Things I'd like to do / accomplish this coming year.  Some fun, some routine. Take a cooking  / baking class, expand / improve my yoga practice, SIGN UP for a marathon in 2019.  Those were just some things I came up with on the fly.  Of course, maintain residence in Land of Lifetime  Continue making eating healthy a priority. 

I did end the year with some awesome news.  I am working again after being off for 2 months.  Yay!  At my last doctor's appointment to review the thyroid medicine, we talked about my other diabetic meds.  Guess what!! He told me I didn't need to take them any more!!   No more metformin, no more checking sugars (although I probably will any way).  Through the old fashion way, I reversed my diabetes and told it I don't need you!

I look back on the last three years.  There were some pretty wild rides.  And I'm sure 2018 has some tucked away somewhere.  I was thinking of that dreaded "balance" thing.  Why am I trying to balance?   Yeah Yeah I know.  Because, as happened to the Grinch, I can't stop life from coming.  It'll come without bells and whistles, sometimes silently while I am not aware.  And while it's good to have some flexibility / balance in one's life, it's important to realize YOU can control what balance you let in. 

I am ready for you 2018!  Bring it as they say.  Will this be the year I happen to find someone who doesn't mind that I walk 5+ miles a day?  What new thing(s) will I try in the New Year?  My awesome weight watcher leader has encouraged me to sign up to work at Weight Watchers.  While I am flattered I want to learn to maintain lifetime status and keeping focus on staying at goal. 

So what's on your New Year's bucket list?   Is there a lot of copying and pasting from one year to the next?  Don't think of it as a list of resolutions. But things you will encourage yourself to do, things that are fund and don't make you feel as if you are mandated to do them .  If losing weight is on it, and you joined Weight Watchers, kudos to you!  Just by doing that, you WILL accomplish that resolution. 

Have a great New Year.  Hope it sparkles and shines like mine, covered in Glitter all the Weigh. 

Christina

Thankfulness Doesn't Stop with Thanksgiving

"I'm thankful for my struggle because I from it I have found my strength." 

"I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now."

My apologies for being late with this post.  You would think this time of year inspiration would come easy to me.  I had to think about this next blog post.  I hope each of my readers, followers, etc. had an awesome and grateful Thanksgiving.  Maybe enjoyed just a little too much pumpkin (or insert your favorite pie here) pie or southern cornbread dressing....and yes the bird!  Thanksgiving is sometimes treated as a day to indulge in foods that aren't on the day to day menu through the year.  As well as Christmas time.  Well, really from Thanksgiving through New Years.  

I found these two quotes and they spoke to me.  Believe it or not I am thankful for what I have experienced over the last 3-4 years.  The hospital visit.  Learning a new set of rules for Diabetes.  I have found so much out about myself that if I had not experienced what I did, I probably would not have discovered what I did.  This strength I have found is so vital to the lifestyle I want to create for myself.  To be honest, I could have had several spoonfuls of my mom's cornbread dressing, my sister's green bean casserole, or a piece of apple pie.  But I stayed focused and realized the cornbread dressing or pie wasn't worth it.  

And oh goodness the second quote!  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has prayed to be smaller, able to sit comfortably in chairs, or not get tired walking around the store.  That's what the quote means to me.  I would pray and envision myself smaller and able to do many things.  The prayer took a good 4 years to be answered, but it was.  Now if my prayers about my love life could be answered, that would be great. 

I am so thankful for the tools Weight Watchers has enabled me to create this healthy lifestyle. I hear there are changes on the way and I know they are only to enhance this journey.   Thankful that with them I have been able to lose the weight I did and somewhat maintain it.  Speaking of, I am still in Land of Lifetime.  If I make it through December (which I have no doubt), I think I will have broken the streak from last year.  This time around I am keeping what I have accomplished at the forefront of my mind.   I am weighing in every week to keep myself accountable.  I tried the balance thing and did okay, although it was an easy test.  Start out slow right. 

I am thankful for the friends in my life.  Those that have become more visible and that they care.  It's important to have that support in life.  And of course the new friends along the way. 

I am thankful and grateful my body forgives me for getting up before dawn to get my morning walk in.  Or do the many other things I wasn't able to do (or want to do) a few years ago.  

Thankfulness doesn't stop when Thanksgiving is over.  Being thankful doesn't stop once the china is put away, "to go" plates are sent home with loved ones, or when the parade ends.  It's year round.  I am thankful for what I have experienced for without it I wouldn't be the person I am today.  There wouldn't be the lessons I have learned.  

So the holiday season seems to be in full swing.  Be thankful where you are today.  Be thankful you have the will power to keep in mind what food is worthy of you eating and so on.  As always, it's a jungle out there this time of year.  Be thankful you have the Armour to protect yourself.

Here's a funny to start the week:  I attended a meeting a few weeks ago and mentioned to the leader about our discussion on "free food" and how it's hard to pass up anything "free."  She said "If you think about it, it's not really free.  It could end up costing you $44.95"  

Anniversaries and Commitment......they go hand in hand.

"There are hidden blessings in every struggle."  

"She believed she could so she did." 

Two quotes I can relate to.  Two quotes that have become my favorites.  Monday, November 6, I celebrated 4 years with Weight Watchers.  I was reminiscing about that night.  I am not sure what caused me to join Weight Watchers on that chilly, rainy Wednesday night in 2013.  I can tell you my mindset wasn't in the place it needed to be.  Nor was the focus.  So why I decided that particular moment to join is a mystery to me.   I walked through the doors and started getting a little nervous.  Not about being there but having to step on the scale.  This friendly lady welcomed me and checked me in.  As I stepped on the scale, tears streamed down my face.  I was certain I had crossed over to 400 pounds but the scale read 375.6.  Those ounces in a weight loss journey mean a lot.  So, yes it might as well have been 376, but it still wasn't 400 like I thought.  I left determined to lose some weight this time.  Not sure how I was going to do it since my history with Weight Watchers wasn't good.  I lacked the commitment to the relationship.  Little did I know about the journey and hidden blessing headed my way.   

Four years later, I weigh less than I did the week before I reached Lifetime for the 1st time in 2016.  Stepping on the scales on Sunday, I am 4 pounds under the lowest goal point.  I can see the 160s in the distance.  A weight I can't remember the last time weighing.  I won't lie - there have been many challenges and struggles in the last 4 years. You can read about my Aha moment and hidden blessing here.  More recently this past year trying to lose the 36 I somehow let climb back on.  These last 36 pounds were the hardest than the 200 I lost the first time.  So there were no "celebrations" this time after reaching a new number or Land of Lifetime.  And being free!  Well, no food related celebrations.  

Being diabetic and on the Weight Watchers program were two games with two sets of not so different rules.  I surprised myself at my commitment to the program and diabetes.  After only 2 years on the program (to some that is still the "honeymoon phase") I reached my goal.  When this relationship started with Weight Watchers and diabetes, I didn't plan on losing as much as I did.  I'm not sure I had a number in mind.  I didn't make long term goals or short term goals.  But if I had, I surpassed them each time.  So years 3 and 4 have been a time of adjusting and strengthening the commitment.  To ensure that there'll be more anniversaries to celebrate.  

My commitment is strong today as it was when I attended the meetings after my hospital stay.  This may be the only 50th anniversary I celebrate, but I will do it proudly.  I'm also hoping there won't be the 7 year itch and my mind gets arrogant and thinks we can do this without Weight Watchers.  I am hoping by year 5 I will have the balance, flexibility and life thing figured out.  Speaking of, I guess this could be considered a little celebration.  In a couple of weeks, I will test the balance, flexibility, and life thing by getting dressed up and attending a wine tasting.  It'll be my once a month out to enjoy this thing called life.  I will be sure to have those wiser / healthier choices sitting in the first row.   

How will your anniversary be celebrated?  

Mine is covered in Glitter all the Weigh!  Have a great week!  

Christina 

If you have to cry, go outside, but whatever you do, DON'T eat!

I saw a quote that said, "Food is the most abused anxiety drug.  Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant."   

We revisited the topic of emotional eating in our Weight Watchers meeting.  The group agreed that emotional eating and learning how to combat it is one of the MOST dangerous/ important issues on any weight loss journey.   I sat there thinking that sometimes we think it might be emotional eating when it could very well be boredom.  Like watching TV and eating a bag of chips.  It wasn't the intention to eat the entire bag, but before too long, the ENTIRE bag is gone.  Emptied.

Emotional/Stress eating is a big issue for me.  As well as eating out of boredom.  The only thing(s) that saved me during storm Harvey was there was no "comfort," "storm," or "binge" type food in my kitchen.  Boredom surely set in as I was stuck inside for a few days.  

I find that my emotional eating is at its worst when I feel I'm not good enough.  Rejection.  Guilt.  Negativity.  The feeling that food is a shield and won't reject me enter my thoughts.  I mean, the bag of Chex Mix, chips, or box of cookies isn't going to reject me.  It's a way to suppress all those negative feelings.  And it certainly isn't going to suggest healthier options.  That's up to me.  The part of the brain that knows better.  Emotions can sometimes be tied (linked) to eating habits that without knowing, reaching for that donut or slice of pizza when feelings of anger, stress or negativity arise is out of habit.  Plainly, the connection between negative emotions and unhealthy foods is a strong one.  

When I felt let down, rejected, or otherwise unattractive, it was nothing for me to reach for a pint of ice cream or bag of chips.  Now I must learn to turn those negative feelings into something positive.  Instead of eating unhealthy foods, turn to activity or positive thoughts.  But you don't hear what foods we are drawn to with a positive mood.  If we're drawn to any certain foods at all.  If I'm feeling good about myself I usually don't think of food....healthy or otherwise.  However, I read an article that stated some research shows people in positive moods are more likely to choose fruit over chocolate. 

It's important for me to learn that not every celebration needs to involve food.  But that's what we've been conditioned to do.  Birthday, where to go to celebrate?  What to eat? Holiday, who'll cook what?  Or go out? But some say that emotional eaters turn everyday occurrences into celebratory situations...allowing them to justify eating "comfort" food.  Emotions and eating are two regular components of our lives that they usually get tangled up with one another. 

I will admit, I still use food sometimes as a "healer."  Not all the time, but it is there.  After a break-up, I think what's the point? So I jump at the chance when someone wants Mexican.  After all, I wasn't attractive to the man that just turned me down, so I must not be good enough.  Getting news that I was passed over for a job I interviewed for, the food is there to console me.  Then stress enters the picture.  How do I tame it?  I try not to let it consume me.  Yoga helps.  And all that walking I do takes my mind off of those negative emotions. 

Food will always be a struggle for me.  That's why it's important for me to work on balance, flexibility, and keeping my emotions in check.  The fat girl is still here and it is so easy for her to rear her ugly head when emotions get the best of me.   It's all about control.  We all know that life doesn't revolve around control.  As long as I can control something........the something being what I put in my mouth (or how I stop it), I'll be okay.  I'm hesitant to let life enter a little.  I know what happened the last time I let life in....I gained 30 pounds and spent this past last year losing it.  Talk about emotions getting the best of me! 

I will win the battle with the emotions monster.  Learning to let things go.  Realizing that emotions (and eating) are a big part of life.  Unhealthy food (more like unhealthy choices) doesn't have to be tied to them.  Maybe then this balance, and flexibility thing will work out. 

My journey is Glitter all the Weigh!  How about yours?  Have an awesome week!

"Leave a little sparkle wherever you go!"  Christina 

My balance beam is more like a tight rope!

"Balance is not something you find; it's something you create." 

I should be happy about this but I'm more anxious than I was the first time I reached Lifetime status.  Sunday I landed in Lifetime again...and for the last time.  These 30 pounds were the hardest to lose than the initial 200 that ushered me in Lifetime, awarding me a little gold key.  Thirty pounds of boyfriend weight, emotional/stress induced eating, plus just plain boredom.  The boyfriends went away yet the weight remained.  I was eventually employed but the weight from being home and stressed was still there.  I'd tell myself I was working at it, but I was eating things I shouldn't.  And not tracking them.  

So as I stepped on the scale and the weigh in lady told me I was back to Lifetime, part of me was elated.  The other part, well, anxiety and fear started to set in.  And so early.  Those emotions didn't even wait till I got home. 

After the meeting I did what I always do; that is walk my 5 miles.  I walked a new trail due to the waterway being otherwise used.  It was the hardest 4.5 miles in a long time.  But these walks are what keep me where I am.  So I made it back to Lifetime and got my teeth worked on.  All they needed was a deep cleaning.  So I can actually eat things other than a soft diet.  So, the real work, the hard work, begins.  Balance.  I still wobble and feel like I'm going to fall off and end up where I was just a month or so after I finished my half marathon.  I wasn't even at my goal the first time a MONTH before I let life take over.  Intervene.  It somewhat sabotaged the wise choices I needed to make. 

Balance.  If you know me personally (as a person, in real life) you may know that I go with gusto towards everything.  It's go big or go home.   How am I supposed to continue doing what I'm doing - 5 mile walks, yoga, watching what I eat, tracking everything, warding off negative thoughts, insecure thoughts - and still live life?  Maybe it's not supposed to happen right away.  Baby steps.  Ha!  I've never been one to take baby steps.  Before, dating was a factor in the weight finding its "weigh" back; as of now, there aren't any prospects to hinder my success at balancing.  What do I try first?  Compromising.  Meeting friends.  Loosen the rigidity.  I have no clue.  For the better part of my existence, I shielded myself from any of that.  Stayed home.  Ate.  Now, at 46 I feel like I have a brand new start.  It's overwhelming.  

Maybe not today.  You find out who your friends are eventually.  I opened up to my WW buddy (and #solesister) how my feelings were hurt by something my neighbors commented on.  She offered to go out with me. Saying it's probably best to associate with like minded people.   And while one twin (I'm Gemini) thought that was awesome, the sensible one crushed the idea.   Envisioning something in the head often doesn't happen the exact way in life.  I envisioned going out, not letting the loud people, the crowds, insecure thoughts get to me.  

I realize there's no end because this is the lifestyle I chose.  Healthier lifestyle.  A lifestyle free of processed foods, junk foods, grease laden large pizzas.  I chose to have normal blood pressure, normal range sugars.  Balance.  Real work.  Maintenance.  Hard work.  But after the storm I have walked through, I have faith that with my awesome supporters and determination, I will stay at goal.  Or at least not wobble too far away.  

The Learning Never Stops.....

Pursuit of Happyness:  Learning how to accept myself after losing 200 lbs, the struggles I face, and to enjoy life as I am..  

Long before I started this blog or even my weight loss journey, I was an unhappy thirty-something (turned forty-something).  My fashion sense consisted of elastic waist pants and the same blouse and tank in many colors.  Self-esteem was basically non-existent.  Unable to find clothes in regular stores, there was only one store I could find clothes in yet they were made for the "older" woman.  I had no idea the start of my weight loss journey would begin in a hospital.  Read my story here. 

If someone told me years ago I would practice yoga and LOVE it, not to mention do it on a  paddle board (read about it here), I would say "No way!"  Before I would scoff at the idea of doing a marathon but I did. In 2016 with my walking buddy by my side, I did my first half marathon.  The glow and empowerment I felt running across the finish line in under 3 hours was unbelievable.

The initial reason I started this blog was to chronicle my weight loss journey....and because a fellow Weight Watcher member suggested I do.  To share the struggles, ups and downs, and small victories (okay, and some big ones).  I initially lost 202 lbs, reaching lifetime status in 2016 with a weight of 173.6, which was short lived.  I became comfortable with food and threw all wise choices out the window.  My weight slowly climbed and before too long, 11, 15, 25 lbs. found their way back.  Or as I like to call it boyfriend weight.  To go from 375.6 to 173.6 is an awesome feat in my book.  The 25 lbs. I gained back wasn't even close to all of it.

But I wanted to lose the weight I gained after reaching lifetime.  I found it to be a struggle.  Things kept happening, igniting my bad emotional/stress induced eating habits.  Boredom.  I'd lose the same 2-5 lbs. only to gain it back.  It wasn't until a storm named Harvey blew into town that I was given a push in the right direction.  The weight started to come off.  I believe the cravings for sweets has diminished.  I am hoping to earn the lifetime key back shortly.

One thing is for sure, since starting this blog, I've learned so much about weight loss, maintenance, what foods I now like, and about a hundred other things.  Not to mention having gained so much support on my journey.   These are some things I have learned and experienced on my journey. 

Sitting Indian-style was foreign to me until now.  Now I do it with such ease.  

My stomach used to reach my knees when I sat down.  No more!  I actually see my knees and not my stomach.  

I nearly squealed the first time I could paint my toenails.  I can bend my leg and reach over to pain them.  

I've learned when I am shopping I don't look for the largest size before I decide if I like it.  I look for clothing I like first then I look for my size.  

I actually love taking selfies and seeing myself in pictures.  Before, I dreaded photo ops.  Now I really like it and jump at the chance.

My body chemistry has changed.  I used to be hot (and uncomfortable) all the time, complaining when people turned the temp up from 72. Now when it is 72 I put a sweater on.  I seem to be cold (or chilly) most of the time.

I love to see my shadow when I go on walks.  I actually see a slender person.

Before, I'd get winded just taking the stairs to my car.  Now I walk 5 miles / 7 days a week (well most days). 

I actually have men hit on me since losing the weight.  Trying to navigate the dating scene. It never happened before mainly because I hid inside my house.  

I no longer wear granny panties.  I can actually buy cute undies!

When I now sit in a chair, there is room on either side of me (and that's with arms!) instead of before when I would hardly fit in a chair.

I have always considered myself girly, but now I feel it more than ever.  I embrace being girly (but an empowered woman at the same time).  

It's important to do everything I can to maintain my weight.  Includes measuring everything I eat.  

I said good bye to fast food.  These lips haven't touched a hamburger in over 3 years.

I gave up soda and strictly drink water with an occasional tea with meals.  

I have a commitment of walking 5 miles every morning (yes even on weekends).  

I've learned maintenance is HARD.  

I can't be too cocky or comfortable with myself a/k/a the cute syndrome.  I feel good and get told I look cute but I can't let that go to my head.

Fat girl really hasn't moved out.  Some days she is louder.  There are days I see my imperfections and feel unworthy of finding love.  Fat Girl somehow wants to sabotage me and tell me the weight will come back on.

Skinny girly girl shuts Fat Girl up most days.  She loves to shop for small clothes and have fun.

Old habits sometimes make an appearance.  But there are those that completely gross me out.  I am ashamed and disgusted at what I used to eat.

It's a healthy lifestyle change, not a diet.  I don't speak the word diet.  I defend this change when other question.

Support is big!  Losing weight is a little easier when encouragement comes from those that love me.  And want the best for me and cheer me on at every small victory.

There is wonder everywhere.  New activities to try.  New foods to eat.  New experiences.  

Negative talk is not good for anyone.  When I have those silent negative thoughts, I try to do something to banish them away.


I learn something new every day about myself, about maintaining (and losing) weight, and life.  I am somewhat anxious about the next chapter.  Learning how to balance, let life in again, and have fun while at the same time keeping those wise/healthy choices at the forefront of my mind.  And when I feel down or like nothing is going right, I just think of where I have come from.   To think I could have not chosen to not visit the ER that day, there's a chance I would not be here today. 

Christina
Leaving glitter everywhere I go!