Spooks and fears show up not just on Halloween

"Fear: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise"

Boo!  It's Halloween this weekend and I guess you could say the start of the holiday season.  For people trying to lose weight, this time can be more stressful than a day at the office.  Spooks, witches, and fears may be the main characters for Halloween, but for some, fears show up every day  

After a week without yoga, I was glad to go to class this week.  The teacher even worked the Halloween holiday into our practice.  There were some spooky poses such as "flying witch" and "hanging tree."  And we must not forget "Demon" down dog!  

I started thinking of my fears.   Yes, even I have fears.  And they are very real.  I have a fear of thunderstorms.  Not the mild ones during the day that come and go but the severe ones during the night.  You don't know what's happening because it's already dark.  Along the same lines, there's the fear of a tornado taking the roof off my house.  I'll be the one that the news helicopter zooms in on while I'm hiding in the bathtub!

Although this is quite morbid to think about, I have a fear that when I leave this earthly place, I will not have known love and there won't be anyone at my funeral.  I've been to funerals where the sanctuary is packed and I've been to some where just a handful of people show up to pay their respects.  I'd like something in between.  My main fear, though, is I won't have known love and had someone in my life that I was their everything.

Recently, though, I have new fears.  And I suppose it comes along with losing weight....any amount really.  Fear of gaining it back......any of it back.  I fear that I'll wake up one morning and it's all been a dream.  Guess that's why I haven't really allowed myself to take time for the big OMG moment. That's a fear every day, not just on Halloween.  I know I should be able to have, for example, a Chick-Fi-La sandwich.  But, for me, it's just not a sandwich.  My fear is that I have a sandwich, then  I'll want the fries and so on.  It is a real fear.  That is why I choose to stay away from fast food.

Same goes for a cookie.  As I am still learning how to handle temptation and my fears, having just ONE cookie is not an option for me right now.  Just ONE cookie?!  Really.  The fear is that I will have that cookie and tell myself one more won't hurt.  Then 2 becomes 3 and so on.  It all adds to one big fear.  That is that if I have fast food, something that was a staple in my life not so long ago, I will allow my former self to come back.  I know I am much stronger than that, yet I am scared just the same.  I might just fall to temptation.

The point when you choose to be done losing and then try to maintain it is scary to me.  Maybe that's why I flew past my original goal and reset it.  I am scared that when I enter maintenance, it will take me just as long to maintain that 2 lb. range either way as when I started.  Or that a nudge will push me into losing more.  At what point do I stop?  My friends say I stop when I am happy with me.  Oh, but only one knows just how highly competitive I am with myself.  My fear is that I will fail at maintenance.

And lastly, I fear I won't know quite what to do with myself.  What happens after maintenance and lifetime?  I go out into the world!  Do I continue my 12+ mile walking routine?  Do I dress a little sexier?  I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this new self.

It's Halloween!  That means ghosts, witches, spooks, and fears.  We all have fears.  I would be surprised if yours show up only during Halloween and the months following.  So, with your fears, do you forget everything you've learned and run or will you face them and rise?  It will be time before I can face some of mine.....mainly the food related ones.  But I am hoping I can face them and rise above them.

It's all in my head....really

I start the week ever closer to ending another chapter in my life.  I wasn't optimistic about getting on the scale this morning but glad I did.  I am just 11 lbs from losing an astounding 200 lbs.  I can't believe it.....200 lbs.!!!

I never anticipated my life taking the path that it has.  I have conquered more fears and things I never thought about doing.  I am constantly in awe of how many people say I inspire and motivate them.  I walk the 10+ miles every day because once I started, I found out I like the walking.  I feel awesome that I am able to do it and great after I walk those miles. I stay away from fast food because it is a trigger for me.  Same goes for cookies and chips (especially those served at Papasitos!). While I love, love, love you following my blog and my weight loss, I've left out one thing.  Results can vary.  Yes, the weight has come off somewhat quicker than normal, but I think my insulin injections contributed to that.  I am no longer on insulin.  I walk 10+ miles a day because like I said, once I started, I realized I love it.  I blame the fitbit challenges for that.  Ha!  And some of it may be in head.  So, with all of that out of the way.......

As women, we tend to over analyze EVERYTHING.  The smallest of things become bigger than life, causing us to stress over them needlessly.  Someone might say it's all in our heads.  

I used to tell myself that men didn't approach me because my chest wasn't bigger or I wasn't as thin as the next person.  Friends told me that was my perception.  

On that day when I was discharged from the hospital, I went home with more information about diabetes than I cared to.  My head was overwhelmed with eat this, eat that, no not that.  I would have to use a blueprint to make my plate at every meal.  Pair that with Weight Watchers and my blond brain was on overload.  I think I felt like I couldn't handle it.  It was just too much.  And you might say that feeling was all in my head.  

I was learning how to inject myself with insulin as well as what foods were diabetic friendly.  No full size baked potato for me; instead, it was suggested I eat smaller potatoes.  And if I had a starchy vegetable such as corn or rice, I couldn't have bread with dinner.  Having grapes meant having only 17 of them.  I could eat a banana, but only half.  It was a ballgame with many rules. Toss in Weight Watchers and my head contained a lot of information.  If I was going to be successful I would have to commit to tracking what I put in my mouth.  I eventually had numbers in my head of how many points were in a 1/2 cup of corn or rice.  

Before my journey began on Weight Watchers and diabetes, when I would settle in for an evening of pizza, enough popcorn for an army, and perhaps a cookie, I would tell myself I had a rough day or I'd start seriously come Monday.  Having to buy clothes at just one store was because fashion designers were making clothes smaller.  That's what I would tell myself.

I knew I had to lose weight in order to be healthier and live longer.  Lose weight to get the diabetes under control.   I was so wrapped up in balancing my diabetes and Weight Watchers and mainly watching what I was eating, I didn't realize what was going on in my head.  People started to notice a change in me after I lost 100 pounds.  I was liking this start of a transformation.  

Over the next months, I concentrated on watching what I ate and being accountable as well.  I watched the weight start to come off.  I increased my activity, doing some things for the first time. But, even though the weight came off, in my head I still saw myself as the old me.  Before I embarked on this journey, I always just assumed that once I lost weight everything would be right with the world.  I would get called back for that interview the heavier me missed.  Once I lost weight, I would no longer have just one store to shop in.

I am now a year and half into this journey of mine.  That might be the equivalent of someone traveling the world, I don't know.  After losing 189 pounds, I have learned that it's all in my head.  I am now at the point where the mental work really begins.  I suppose I've been in denial about the entire transformation.

This is a very personal journey for me.  I am learning the person I'm evolving to be is probably who I was meant to be.  Everything is not right with the world even after losing close to 200 pounds.  I am not talking about the physical aspects........you know - the reality of being able to wear any clothes, the fact that I am now wearing a bra size I haven't seen since my teen years, or that none of my rings fit, not even the beautiful one my grandmother used to wear.  At the age of 44, not quite halfway to 45, I am finally learning to live my life!

I am learning how to handle those people that can't quite adjust to the ongoing changes.  The other night while on my You Tube page, in their recommendations for me was a Victoria Secret fashion show video.  Not sure why it showed up but I remember thinking years ago if I lost weight I could look like one of their models.  My body would magically transform itself into a model figure.  Wrong!  All in my head.

In the beginning there is the focus on changing over to healthy eating habits and the commitment to losing weight.  There is the enjoyment when numbers go down on the scale and in sizes with clothes. At what point does the mental work begin is usually up to the person.  Some people can handle the mental part along with losing the weight and changing their mindset.  Some, like me, it comes towards the end.  I now have different information and visions in my head.  I don't have to look like a Victoria Secret model to wear their clothes.  Nor do I have to look like one, if by chance, if I am given the opportunity to wear some wings!  Ha!  I am wearing sizes I had dreamed of wearing.

At the same time, those prior food triggers are still in my head as well as my fears.  I have to use my new found control to keep them far away.  So I am ever evolving and no doubt it's still all in my head.

Ummm.....what do you mean? [head cocked to one side]

Apologies for the tardiness in posting this.  Along with trial prep, I needed to think of the words I wanted to use.  Yes, this blog is about my journey, but I want the words to be understood and relatable.

Is there someone in your life that you can tell anything to and they will almost always agree with you?  I have two people like that.  And this week while walking the trails on Trail Tuesday, never have I been in sync with one of them more than on this day.  The conversation that followed what I said to her was nothing short of amazing. 

Have you ever wondered why some people ask you certain questions? Why ask how you are if they don't really care to know?  By no means am I saying that people aren't sensitive or actually want to know how you're doing.  So some of you may gasp at what I write next and others might have a light bulb go off in their head and say, I know the feeling!  I mentioned to my trail buddy that it occurred to me that when I give people a Cliff's Notes version of my story and end it with how much I have lost, the first question out of their mouth - after they pick their jaw up off the ground - is "You must feel great!"  Well, I suppose it's not a question but a statement but it's conveyed that way.   Now, on the other side of that coin are those that know me that may ask "Do you feel better?" You may be thinking, what's the difference?  Well, my friends and support team know me and what my journey has been like.  But it's those people that don't know you......the strangers.  

I must feel great.  Now, I suppose that may be the only question/statement that comes to mind when they've just heard how much I have lost.  Maybe they think they'd insult me or offend me if they asked how I did it or how long it took to lose it.  But to assume I must feel great baffles me.  And this is why:

Happiness of one's self is a personal journey and story.  Who are these people saying I must feel anything? They didn't know me when I was at my heaviest.  My friend said she was looking on my facebook page the other day and saw older photos of me.  She said I was smiling in all of them.  For all she or the strangers knew, I could have felt great back then or was happy.  It's almost like a mandated emotion I'm supposed to feel.  They do not know the story behind the weight loss.

I've mentioned this to several of my friends, mostly the new ones......the ones that have heard my story in bits along the way.  They tend to agree with me.  I don't want you to think you can't say anything like that to me.  We know each other and I have allowed you into my thoughts and on this personal journey.  When someone I don't even know says a comment like that, this is what I would like to say:

Why must I feel great?  Honestly, I feel ashamed that I betrayed my body and let my weight get as high as it did.   I am embarrassed that I didn't stay on track all those years ago after I lost 93 pounds to maintain that loss.  And further, to be truthful, when I was my heaviest and would eat junk food like the world was ending, after the initial food high, I felt sick.   So, no I do not feel great.  Do they really know what it takes to lose 200 pounds to know how great I should feel?  Do they realize the struggle is real and it's a forever thing?  Do they?  In order for them to say I must feel great.

There are days I feel tired from this "fight mode" as my friend Laura calls it.  I have no one to blame for this fight mode that I am in but me.  This transformation and journey has been anything but easy and not so great in the beginning.  Do they realize what it takes for me to crawl out of bed 6 days a week at 4:30 a.m. and walk 6 miles before the sun comes up?  And do it all over again before it goes down.  I write down everything (okay, just about everything) I eat.  I will always journal what I eat.  I am in a battle that will last a lifetime.   There is a fear in me that I will put some of the weight back on.

This is a personal journey and my emotions are nothing short of a whirlwind.  Yes, I feel great after I walk 6, 8, or 10+ miles.  Yes I feel great when I work hard during the week and I reap the rewards on Sunday morning.  I feel great when I eat healthy and my body thanks me.  But I feel great because I want to.  Not because someone tells me I must feel great.

The only thing we must be able to do is this journey our way.  If anything, we must be able to experience all kinds of emotions.  We can feel great one day, but also feel sad or frustrated the next.  For me, and most of us, it's a continuing journey.  I'll be forever transforming and discovering things about myself and this lifestyle.  No one should be told they must feel anything.  Our emotions are just that.....our emotions.  Feel great because you want to!

Have a great week!  If you're new to my blog, don't forget me.  It may be a wild ride.....a wild glittery ride!

Did you say it?

Did you say it? I love you? I don't ever want to live without you.  You changed my life...did you say it?  Make a plan.  Set a goal.  Work towards it.  But every now and then, look around.  Drink it in. 'Cause this is it.  It might all be gone tomorrow.  

Anyone else watch/watched Grey's Anatomy?  I watched it from day 1 until a couple of years ago. After some of the main characters left, my enthusiasm for watching the show deflated.  There wasn't much left once McSteamy, Cristina, George, and McDreamy left.  But this is one of my favorite quotes or monologues from the show.  And it begged for a blog post.  

Our leader sent a text recently: Who has helped you in your weight loss journey? Take some time this week and thank them.  There are too many of you for me to text individually.   So here's my thank you: Thank you guys so much for all your encouraging, motivating, inspiring words.  When I least expect it, you surprise me with small tokens from your hearts. You make me smile and brighten my day.  

Make a plan.  Set a goal.  I started with a plan and a goal.  I worked towards it and once I got to it, I came up with a new plan.  I have done nothing but worked and fought since Day 1 to make sure this plan/goal worked.  I give 110% every day to achieve my goal(s).  I try to remain ever so focused never taking my eye off the prize.  I have just recently started living, as my friend/walking partner puts it.  Okay, so most of my living includes walking but at least I am out there living my life instead of looking.  There's no need to look for the prize as I already have it in my sights.  Some might say I already have the prize.  That may be, but there's the Grand Prize.

But maybe I haven't been living as I need to be.  Okay, so I tossed some non-material things to the dumpster to fill my head with glittery things.  But maybe they are the same things that are already on my mind just covered in glitter.  I need to really start living.  My new friend and walking buddy (I thank God for bringing her to me and I thank her every day) has no problem doing things on her own. Maybe I need to visit this "living" that I am doing and really live.  See the world.  I am so committed to this weight loss journey, and rightfully so, but as she puts it, I haven't taken a step back to really see what my accomplishments.

So I think I took a small step back and saw a glimpse of what I have done.  My friend talked about her friend who has decided to get serious about fitness and eating healthier. And what she wanted to weigh.  She said the number and I said, without knowing I said it, "I was at that point 100 lbs ago."  OMG....did I really say that?  Call it an Aha moment.  So I am going to try to stop and drink it in.  Stop and look around because it could all be gone tomorrow

Did you say it?  You have changed my life.  Did you say it?  I would be lost on this journey without you.  I love you.  We all have a plan we're working on.  We all have a goal to reach and prize in view. But there are times when we need to look around and be amazed at our accomplishment.  From one of my other favorite (fictitious) people, Ferris Bueller, Life moves pretty fast.  Stop and look around once in awhile otherwise you miss it!

Y'all have a great week.  I'm entering trial prep so I may not be churning these out as often but I'll do my best! 

What would YOU do? (no John Quinoes is not going to jump out)

I still appear to be in that rut....still in a phase.  It's like my body is saying "Okay, so you want to lose 13 more pounds?  Well, it won't be easy so get ready for a bumpy ride.  It's getting pretty close to stopping time."  Great thing is there is always tomorrow and a fresh start.  But how many "fresh starts" do you give yourself before you realize it's more serious than just a fresh start?  

A couple of things caught me off guard this past week.  Situations that I walked into and had me asking myself "What do I do NOW?"   My attorneys are preparing for trial so I am very busy lately. We were in search of some exhibit stickers.  Popped in Office Depot.  Surely they would have them?  Nope.  So I called a couple of paralegal friends.  So I stop by to pick them up from one of the offices who said they had some.  The legal assistant hadn't seen me in a few months and said I looked good.  But she was more curious as to where all the loose skin went.  Really?  She wanted to know where the skin went when I wore my first two-piece.  I said it's there you just can't see it.  I was a little taken aback and baffled.  With all the questions or topics to talk about, she chose loose skin?  Then she wouldn't stop staring at my toes.  Needless to say I was glad to walk out of the office.  

Then on Friday, I walked into another situation asking the same question.  Still on the search for exhibit stickers, I called the attorney I used to work for.  Why not?  If anyone would have them, his office would and he would probably not recognize me.  Well, he wasn't there but I was told they did have some and I could have some.  So off I went and didn't even worry about who I might run into...that is until I walked in the front door.  Sitting at the reception desk....something she despised doing.....was my Nemesis.  A person who thought of nothing of throwing me under the bus several times.  I spoke politely to her and thanked her for the compliments.  Secretly I just wanted to grab the stickers and leave.  I probably talked her ear off.... I suppose because I didn't want to hear her talk.  

It made me think of other situations that would beg the question "What would YOU do?"  Not too many situations do I walk into that I can't handle.  Most of them I am trying to control blushing while someone praises my journey and how inspiring I am.   Eating out still presents itself as a situation where I ask "What would I do?"   Like this phase (a/k/a rut) I am going through. What should I do?  I seriously get back with the program.  Start doing some serious tracking and tracking everything.  Leave out the croutons, chocolate chips, snack-ish foods that don't do anything.  Keep unnecessary things out of my head that take up empty space.  

What would YOU do?  I asked that of myself when I thought about resetting my goal to losing more than I EVER imagined.  I knew what I wanted to do and would do.  What would YOU do?  When eating out, sometimes we can ask ourselves that, sometimes we don't listen to the answer.  When I ate out at Cheesecake Factory, staring at the basket of baked bread, the answer I told myself was not to have any OR just one small slice.  Instead, I wasn't listening and ate more than one slice.  

What would YOU do?  Have you asked yourself that recently?  Was it when the decision to start Weight Watchers was part of the solution?  There are people who are always going to ask weird questions.  Or if they are a friend, maybe not as supportive as you'd like.  Sometimes the situation presents itself ahead of time.  Other times, you are caught off guard by it.  You may have a second to ask "What would I do?"  Sometimes you don't.  But know that you are powerful enough to answer the question with the correct answer for you.  

It's just a phase

 I have been in a rut for the last couple of weeks. Tracking flew out the window along with eating right.  There were two days where I stopped walking before I reached 10,000 steps in the morning.  My routine is to walk until I reach 10,000 and it usually is between 5.5 and 6.5 miles...if I walk faster than normal, it takes 7 miles. Last Thursday and Friday I stopped after just 6 miles, never reaching 10,000 during the walk.  So new week, new determination, new day.  One day at a time right?

I have a nephew that will turn 3 in a few weeks.  Lately, he's been a little needy, scared of ghosts, and things under the slide.  Not wanting to go to day school.  And his eating has been less than perfect.  I keep telling my mother it's just a phase.  Since I have no children, I am only guessing at this.  My mom, of course, takes his not wanting to eat a waffle or not wanting to go to school personally.  The boy is 3-years old!

The rut I've been in is just a phase I tell myself.  Start tracking again and track everything that goes in my mouth and stick to good eating, and I'll get out of the phase.  Right?  Not always.  And I'm seeing a pattern starting to emerge.......one that I don't really like.  Instead of starting fresh the next day if I've over eaten or made some not so good choices, I sometimes blow off the week.  Why would I do that?  Although the phases I go through now are short lived, they are still phases and part of life.  Life happens and we can't control that.  I think I am getting more comfortable with the improved me and everything that comes with it that I am starting to slouch.

Some time ago, I was telling my leader what a normal day of eating for me is like.  And as you know, I do eat like a rabbit.  She asked me if I would be able to do that the rest of my life.  At that moment, I said Yes! sounding so convincing that I even believed myself.  I find myself slowly getting in that same rut I was in before I made my first goal.  Yes I can manage this new lifestyle for the rest of my life.  Is the fact that I am still in fight mode as my best friend puts it just a phase?  Could I be scared of reaching a stopping point?  Possibly.

Mind you, I am not binge eating by any means.  No Papa Johns delivery driver has shown up at my door nor have I driven through a fast food line.  But to me, I am eating things that if eaten too much of are not the right things.  I sometimes get addicted to things like croutons.  Lately it's been these wonderful tortillas.  I mentioned them on the facebook page.  And while one or two isn't bad, I don't stop at just one or two.  Just a phase? Sure.  And I started buying Free Cool Whip....the one that is just 15 calories for what 2 TBSP.  I thought I'd put it on my raspberry chocolate yogurt.  Nope.  If I'm lucky, I'll leave just enough but I eat the whole carton.  Why I am telling you this?  Why am I, someone who has a fan base much like Taylor Swift (you have to admit that was funny... hahahaha), because I am, after all, human.  I may walk close to half marathons 5 days a week, eat salads like they're my last meal, and go through lemons like I have my own lemon tree, but I, too, go through ruts.  And they are just that.....ruts....phases.  This too shall pass.

I want nothing more than to lose these 13 pounds and see what happens next.  I have already surpassed what I only dreamed would ever happen.  What's going to happen when I lose more than 200 pounds?  Well, there better be streamers hanging from the ceiling and a victory song.....and  crown!  Again, just kidding.  I sometimes think that all my walking and my enthusiasm to do it is just a phase.  I wake up more times than not thinking must I get out there and walk my 6 miles.  But I have a friend who has been a true blessing and pushes me when I don't think I can go any further.  She is with me doing 5Ks (okay only one so far but our plan is one a month) and excited to be doing it with me.  That is not a phase.

Is my weight loss journey a phase?  Absolutely not!  I cannot let the old me come near the new me. The foods I choose to eat might be, but not the entire premise.  Who knows what other phases are in my future?  They are just that............phases.  And I will get through them or grow out of them.