New Year...........fresh starts

"Fresh starts.  Thanks to the calendar, they happen ever year.  Just set your watch to January.  Put your past behind you and start over."  

How was the survival of the Christmas holidays?  One more holiday to go.  Resolutions being written?  Are there changes?  Or maybe the week was bad and you wished to Undo It!  Or maybe undo the last few months or this past year.    

I am starting maintenance week 3.  I finished week 2 on a happy note. Happy to report I lost the gain from celebration week. No more peanuts, cookies or crackers.  All the cookies got delivered on Christmas Eve (see photos below).  Back on plan and increased my activity.  It felt so good to go back to eating what I normally eat.  An apple has never tasted so good.  Thank goodness!   Just 4 more to go.

There were several moments (sometimes days or weeks) I wish I could undo.  Sometimes not even food related.  The moments I took a step outside my comfort zone and made a complete fool of myself.  Knowing it's better to leave well enough alone. There'll be more I'm sure, but I will learn to pick and choose.

With regard to those things food related, even during this journey, I wish I could undo times I ate too much (the apps that added on) or drank too much.  The times when, instead of an activity to feel better, I ate to have the feeling of inadequacy go away.  I wish I could undo the last 5-6 years.  But, if I look at it another way, it's all part of the journey. Part of the exploration of one's self.  For those 5-6  years brought me to this place and started this journey.

So a new year begins this week! I am excited about starting 2016. I believe it will be the best year yet for us!  My resolutions will change and for the first time in a few years, it will not have "lose weight" on it.  It will not have "start walking" on it.  The box I built around myself is no longer.........although the barbwire fence around my heart is still there.  Only certain people are allowed beyond the fence.  It will take a strong (and special) person to tear away the fence.

A good friend of mine gave me a glass box for Christmas to put all my wishes and dreams in.  I will write them down on pieces of paper and tuck them safely in the box.  One wish will be missing (one that came true)....the one wish that I could/would lose weight.  Maybe I need to include it and instead of "wish" on the piece of paper, put "came true."

My other friend gave me a packet of different color fit bit bands so I can walk in style with a different color every day!  So I am safe while walking early in the morning (or as one friend puts it, "in the middle of the night"), my walking buddy and BFF gave me some pepper spray.........and yes it's in a pink holder!

A new year.  It means so many things.  I will try to put the past behind me......although sometimes it's easier said than done.  Fresh start.  We all need a fresh start.  Maybe you look at the new Weight Watchers program with new eyes and new perspective.  Look at it with fresh eyes as if you were a new member.

What does a new year for me mean? It means expanding my comfort zone, living a little more, always learning how to live a healthy lifestyle and improve on myself.  To make sure that I know whatever I will want to undo is just part of life.  If we never wanted to undo things, then how boring would life be!  It means becoming a Weight Watchers lifetime member and being very proud of my accomplishment.  This one huge accomplishment.

Okay, so some of you may be asking what I have on my "resolution" list.  Alright, I'll give you a glimpse.  These are just a few.......this blog is already longer than I anticipated.

1.  Start running
2.  Run/walk 5K and marathons
3.  Perfect my yoga practice
4.  Take more time for me
5.  Learn to love the new me.

When you sit down to write those resolutions, maybe don't include "continue to lose weight," but something like "continue living a healthier lifestyle."  It's a fresh start.  Beginning on Friday, we have 365 days to look forward to.  When I started this post I initially thought about the moments I wish I could undo.  Then I started writing and it went in another direction.  I will remember when there are moments I wish I could undo, it's all part of living and exploring this new life of mine.

Happy New Year!  2016  will be the best year yet!

What do they have that I don't? More importantly...Do I have what it takes?

"We all think we are going to be great.  And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.  But sometimes, our expectations sell us short.  Sometimes, the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.......you gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations.  Because the expected is just what keeps us steady...standing.......still.  The unexpected is just the beginning. The unexpected....is what changes our lives."

No video this time.  I am still trying it out.  But I needed to vent just a little and I didn't want to do it on the video.

So.......here I am once again.......standing at the doorstep of maintenance. And for some reason, I am wondering if I am ready (or want) to walk through.  After this last week, I would have said no.  Last week, first week on maintenance, was an epic fail.  I gained so much even the weigh in person was shocked.  I know what happened.  Would you like to know?  It started with celebration at one of my favorite wine bars.  There was a happy hour.....which I happily enjoyed.  The celebration lasted all week! I think my body revolted against all the weird food I was eating.  Weird to my body since I don't normally eat those things.

I am ready to get back on the train and get it moving.  Last week was a wake up call that I can no longer eat like that.  Do I have what it takes?  A thought crossed my mind.........you known when you are losing the weight, the wishes are for the number to go down.  Once on maintenance, thew wish is for the number to stay steady or if HAS to yo yo, then only do it a little.

Do I have what it takes?  Some of you would say, "Yes, duh!"  And I would tend to agree.....I had what it took to lose almost 203 lbs.  I had what it took to step on the scale week after week,  But, this is a different ball game.  Diabetes is under control.....milligram dosage in pill I take was decreased. And, yes, I had what it took to get me to this point  But at this point in the ball game, it takes something different to not get a strike. 

Getting to goal is just a small piece of the puzzle.  I am still learning to be the [new] me.  And here is where I need to vent.  [I know I tossed this subject in the dumpster, but I need to resurrect it just for a brief moment]  Maybe my hormones are on overload this week.  I realize there is no right or wrong answer, but I would like to know what the hell I am missing?  I am tired of getting passed up because of the age thing, looks, or lack of chemistry.  So I have no control over the age thing {but that's going to be a deal breaker....really?!} And don't you have to talk to see if chemistry is there?!   I have bras from the famous bra store to make my chest appear larger. I could lose another 60 lbs and that one thing would STILL be missing.   So......whatever chance there was, is gone.  If it's not realized I am a catch and someone to be chased instead of get away, then why waste my energy?  I'm not the stupid one!  Whew!  Okay, I think I am done.  Glittery things, glittery things.  

Although the prior me was banished to the land of no return, she resurfaces without my knowledge occasionally.  This is a story/journey that has no end.  But, here's a glittery thought.  I am starting the new year 203 lbs lighter.  I am starting the new year on my way to lifetime.  I am starting the new year with two of the most awesome friends ever!  I learn something from them every day.  And we tend to lean on each other.  We have things planned.............road trip to Austin.  Never been on a road trip.  Learning how to two step.  And yes.......we will try speed dating/mixers........purely for the entertainment.  

What do they have that I don't?  Not sure, but who knows?! Someone could ask themselves the same question.  Two years ago, I knew how to answer.  I didn't have the will power, the perseverance, or the competitive attitude I do now.  I didn't have the "want to" to lose 203 lbs.  Do I have what it takes?  To make it through goal.  I would hope so.  Do I have what it takes to let go of the past? Maybe.  It'll take time.  It's more psychological for me at this point.  I've done the weight loss.  Now, it's psych time to learn to maintain it.  A friend of mine asked me if it was possible that it's the anxiety of going through maintenance and finally reaching the goal.  Absolutely!  This might sound depressing, but you can't wait to get to the goal you set for yourself.  For me, reaching this last goal and losing 203 lbs, was like coming to the edge of a cliff.  I did it!  I climbed that mountain.  Uh oh! How do I make it back down to earth?  Or do I spread my arms and fly.  Sure it's anxiety.  

"It's one of those things people say: you can't move on until you've let go of the past.  Letting go is the easy part.  It's the moving on that's painful.  So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same.  Things can't stay the same though.  At some point, you just have to let go, move on.  Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

You may ask yourself do you have what it takes?  You bet!  You have the knowledge, the will power and the vision of a healthier future.  You have what it takes to ring in the new year a little lighter, whole lot healthier, and happier.

Y'all have a very Merry Christmas and a fantastical New Year!

Change.......it comes whether we like or not. Embrace the change!

Change.....we don't like it, we fear it.  But we can't stop it from coming.  We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.  It hurts to grow.  Anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying  But here's the truth: Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.  And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good.  Sometimes change is everything!

I have grown so much in the last several months.  And I will continue to grow and sometimes it may not be pretty!  Will I ever eat a fast food hamburger again?  Probably not.  Will I change what I eat for breakfast?  Maybe.  But those plain Cheerios are just that awesome!  What I will do is add things I want to do to my mental list which I probably should put on paper.  

Two hundred two pounds!  And six ounces........those ounces are important!  Weight I will NEVER see again.  I will continue to learn how to make that happen.  I'm sure it will include change.  

So here's a list of things I want to do:

Start running

Participate in a half marathon (will do in 2016)

Participate in a full marathon

Be in a 5K every month

Learn how to two step

Become serious about my yoga practice (haven't been lately.....sure they are missing me)

I am sure I will think of more things I want to do.  But for now, that's a start. 

Change.  Growth.  Change is feared and growth hurts.  But when change is embraced, no one is left behind.   And as for the growth (new or otherwise), it may only hurt for a moment.  As women we go through a lot more just to look pretty.  We can deal with a little change and growth!  As weight is lost, why not embrace (or adapt) to the new changes?!  Sometimes change is everything and can be oh so good!

Y'all have an amazing week.  Embrace the new changes in the new Smart Points program.  Maybe a new favorite food will be found.  

GiveThanks for what is now and for what is to come!

"Give thanks for a little and you will receive a lot." 

(Those of you keeping track, I did very well last week....after getting frustrated with my gain the prior week....and lost 5 lbs!  Only 4.8 lbs to go before the finale!). 

Brrr! Well, it appears we skipped fall and headed right into winter.......at least for a couple of days! Don't fret......those predictable Texas temps will come back just in time for Thanksgiving on Thursday (note sarcasm in voice) with another shot of winter air afterwards.  

This week will be filled with menu planning, family time, and celebration of the 1st major holiday of the 2015 holiday season!  Thanksgiving!  It can also be filled with nervousness and anxiety.  The menu planning alone can cause sweat breakouts.  The holiday can cause stress like no other for those on the path to losing weight.  But if we're focused and determined, Thanksgiving can come off without a hitch.  A couple of months ago, while perusing the web looking at Weight Watcher blogs, I came across one with an acronym for Thanksgiving.  But when I really want it now, it's nowhere to be found.  Ha!  But I found this one from a blog.  The original blogger said she saw it a WW meeting.  

  

I imagine most are already picturing the "temptation" table filled with mashed potatoes, southern cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes dressed in everything from marshmallows to pecans, and the overflowing basket of rolls.  In the middle is the turkey and somewhere on the table are green beans loaded with mushroom soup and fried onions.  And those desserts!  The horror! It comes every year and every year our readiness level increases.  I will occupy my  time with seeing my nephew and my step/bonus niece.  I will delight in participating in the GE Run Through the Woods for the first time. Squash those temptations like a bug!

In our Sunday meeting, the leader asked us what we were thankful for.   Thankful.  Definition of the word looks like this: pleased and relieved; expressing gratitude and relief.  Well, if I answer with this week in mind, I am pleased that I lost what I gained (and more) and relieved I remained focused. Answering with my entire journey in mind, well, it requires some thought.  Believe it or not I am thankful for that diagnosis in 2014 that made me realize the time is now.  Thankful that God has not faltered or given up on me.  He knew who the person inside was all along.  To be able to walk double digit miles 5 days a week (single digit miles on the weekend) and enjoy it.  And to walk with an awesome person who knows me inside and out.

Most of my life I have stayed in the shadows, under the radar, only to peek out occasionally.  I felt left out and like I didn't belong. I am thankful for the support, friendship, and kindness from the Sunday morning Weight Watcher group.  I walk in and know that no one will judge, snicker or look me up and down.  I am thankful that, for whatever reason, I chose this Sunday morning group.

I am thankful I am learning more and more to make healthy options when temptation doesn't leave me alone.  My leader forwarded me a link to a blog that I read this morning.  Oh my goodness... such an insightful and thought provoking blog.  I am thankful I am not alone on this wild journey.  My life has taken a whirlwind turn and gone in directions I never knew existed.

Thankfulness for losing the weight I have lost and feeling fantastic!  I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for the journey I have been on.  Gratitude for myself for becoming a stronger person.  Relief in knowing that temptations do not get the best of me.  Gratitude for those along with me for the ride.
Thursday hands will be joined across tables to give Thanks.  Thanks that maybe the potatoes have a little less butter or cream cheese in them.  Thanks that there are two dishes of steamed green beans with almonds and oooh, that Pumpkin Fluff.  I will give thanks that I have a job (albeit part time, a job), good health, family I can't live without, and that I was able to finish the 3 mile walk earlier in the day with GE Run Through the Woods. What are you thankful for?  What will you express gratitude for?  Are you pleased you strategized and as a reward, that glass of wine has your name on it?

Gobble Gobble!! Happy Thanksgiving!

Just in case you need it....

I wish I may......I wish I might......first star I see tonight

"We don't wish for the easy stuff; we wish for the big things.  Things that are ambitious, out of reach.  We wish because we need help, and we're scared, and we know we may be asking too much.  We still wish though, because sometimes they come true."

It happens every week; Monday arrives with determination and a renewed sense of focus.  Monday is rarely liked but with its determination, it shows up time and time again.  The rest of the days are a little easier to handle.  I started this blog on Monday and yet here I am.....still trying to write it.  On one of my walks with my friend this week, she said something that made me think what a great subject.  I need to start stopping in my tracks then and there and take note.  

Wishes.  I remember being younger and looking through JCP Wishbook and other toy catalogs making my Christmas list. Writing them all down (with pictures too) and giving the list to my grandmother or mom.  This time of year, I think there are more wishes spoken aloud than any other time.  Wouldn't it be great if everyone had their own special genie who granted those wishes?

Although I started last week out on a bad mental note, I thought I ended up okay.  I got a little disappointed and agitated at the beginning of last week but by Wednesday I was feeling okay.  I think I got wrapped up in feeling good about covering whatever was annoying me with glitter I forgot to seriously track.  Plus, and not that it was bad food, I ate some things I normally don't eat.  You can guess what the result of last week was.  I wish every Sunday morning when I step on that scale that it continues to go down.  Sunday it did not.....sadly.  Although a small amount, I'll keep the number to myself; but it was disappointing.  

Although they are different than just a year or so ago, my wishes are still for big things.  At times when I would like to buy some clothes, buy something for myself, or do something spontaneous, I wish I had a full time job.  As I stand looking at myself in the mirror, I wish the extra skin would go away.  A magic wand could be waved and it would disappear.  I wish I could see myself the way other see me.   All wishes.  Hoping that one of two of them come true.  And I still have those wishes that almost every woman has.  Oh how sometimes I wish I had a fairy godmother.

Wishes are powerful things (this time I took a mental note of what she said....of course it helped it that we were almost home).  Hmmm.....powerful things.  This is true.  They can help us grow and make us realize it's okay to have help with wishes.  I am proof that some of my previous wishes have come true.....I wished that I could lose weight.  I wanted a phenomenal group of friends and the wish came true.

There are mornings when I wake up and wish I didn't have the struggles I deal with.  But then life would be perfect and what fun is that!?  Perfect life means no wishes.  No wishes!  I am learning that nothing is out of reach.  I just have to wish a little harder.

So get out your paper and pen and write down what you wish for.  Your Wish List.  It's okay to say them out loud.  You never know when they might come true!

When did this happen? And by the way.....who are you?

We assume the really serious changes in our lives happen slowly; over time.  That's not always true. The big stuff happens in an instant.  Becoming an adult, a parent, spouse; one minute you're not and the next you are.  Sometimes you don't even know any thing's changed.  You think, you're still you and your life is still your life.  But you wake up one day and look around and you don't recognize anything; not anything at all.  

Do you remember when you became a parent?  A spouse?  An adult? You're thinking nothing is going to change; but then BAM!  You're out in the world....grown up.  You're responsible for another human. Or you are now formally (and legally) part of a "we."  Sure, there was planning, but the changes were almost instant.  Yes, weight loss happens over time and there is planning and concentration; then all of a sudden the image in the mirror is not the same as before.  

I went to my cousin's baby shower over the weekend.  I walked in the house and both cousins and my aunt didn't recognize me.  They had only looked at pictures.  I wanted to tell them most days I don't recognize me!  I am once again at the doorstep of an amazing accomplishment. Will I make this my last stop before maintenance? Most likely. Some time ago, I remarked to a former co-worker I had a plan.  By the time I turned 45 I wanted to be at a healthy weight (or a weight I was happy with).  By the time maintenance and lifetime roll around, I will be ahead of schedule. And while it has taken time to lose the weight, some of the changes seem to be instantaneous.  I have learned important things along the way; it is important to be aware of the portion sizes of the food, measure just about everything, and track/journal everything.  Make sure you get in activity because that is important.

Last week I woke up one day and found that my stomach was just a little bit flatter.  And I felt different.  A good different but different just the same.  This experience.....or journey.....has been a whirlwind of physical and psychological complexities.  My smile can be beaming but these last few months of this significant weight loss has been more involved (and I suppose complex) than just a before and after picture.   I sometimes look in the mirror and don't know the person staring back at me.  I mean, who is this person that walks close to 12 miles every day?  I know when the trigger was pulled and what caused it.  And I can't go back.  I don't want to go back.

I got dressed the other day and the 36C bra I hooked into place wasn't feeling tight.  Should it?  I put on my pants and realized they were size 14.  When did that happen?  I am having a problem right now trying to catch up to this new me.  I have counted, measured, listened, and tracked for the last (almost) 2 years.  And all of a sudden I see a totally different person in the mirror.  When did all of this happen?  Who is this person?  This person who chose positivity over toxicity.

I tried on the rings that take up residence in my makeshift jewelry box.  I felt like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  Slipped one on the ring finger....too big.  Slipped one on the middle finger........still too big.  Even the costume looking rings are no match for my small fingers.  At the shower, my cousin told me I looked like my mother.  My uncle first said my grandmother, then the other grandmother. Do I?  Look like those people?  Although a nice compliment, I just want to look like myself. Whatever that may look like.  And right now, I don't even recognize whoever I am to look like.

There are times I get confused as to who's who.  Times when I question certain things.  One minute Persephone is running the show, the next the insecure me cuts in.  Just proves I am very much still in the exploratory phase.  It's those moments I have to stop and ask who's on first.  And why is this happening? What does she have that I don't?  What if I am in those statistics that never find what I think I want?  Thank goodness for the friends that constantly remind me of how amazing I am and how worthy I am of something better than what I think of myself. A New York Times best selling author Geneen Roth  had this to say; "It's a fantasy, that when we lose weight, everything wrong in our lives is going to be right - that means our relationships are going to be right, we're going to feel completely differently about ourselves.  People are shocked to find out that this thing that they've been longing for and waiting for, working for is not what they thought it was."

There are those who are looking for someone who is going through this with them.  Rest assured I am going through this with you.  I have been.  I struggle with making sure I track every day, the temptations around me, and should I or shouldn't I eat that.  I am here to show you what the psychological part looks like.  Because one day, you are going to wake up after your amazing weight loss (whether it be 15, 25, 30, 50 or more pounds) and ask yourself, "When did this happen? And who are you?"  

No one ever said it would be easy......

"Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognize how to take that very first step  Then you start your journey.  You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out.  Even if you're tired, even if you want to walk away.  You don't.  Because you are a pioneer.  But nobody ever said it would be easy."

"Life is not a spectator sport.  Win, lose, or draw, the game is in progress whether we want it to be or not.  So go ahead.....argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little, and tend to your wounds. But play.  Play.  Play hard and play fast.  Play loose and free.  Play as if there's no tomorrow.  Okay, so it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game, right?"

I thought these quotes summed up this past week pretty well for some of you.  If you need something else; something to make you laugh, I think this will.  Picture it: an attorney's office in the middle of trial preparation.  We are all headless chickens at this point with trial just a week away.  Lights go out in the bathroom.  Our office has no janitorial service nor any "handyman" service.  While I am at the office trying to figure out a way to change the three fluorescent bulbs, the other assistant is running errands for our bosses.  He has pulled the "brother" card and told her not to come back to the office without a bulb for the bathroom.  Thanks to my pictures, she finds the bulbs and he also has told her to get their lunch before she heads back.  She waits and waits some more for their order......not waiting on the restaurant but our bosses to text her!  So she tells me that if she can't come back without a bulb, she's so not coming back without their sandwich!!  In the meantime I have hijacked a step ladder from another office.  At this point, the attorneys are so oblivious as to what is going on, we could be changing the light bulb in our underwear and they wouldn't know the difference.  She came back and we proceed to change the bulbs.....well, at least learn how to.  With me being the most graceful one (sarcastic laugh), I am on the top of the ladder.  She is keeping it grounded.  Together, we got the bulbs in and we had light in the bathroom once again.  After returning the ladder, I kidnapped a broom because I broke one of the burned out bulbs.  At least we were able to laugh about the day.

So, some of you had a bad minute last week.  And Halloween weekend didn't help the situation at all. I suppose all those fears got to some of us.  I hear stress also came to visit.  Stress can be a harmful thing.  So you might be dangling from the wagon or completely off of it.  You might have been at mile 98 and turned back....not on purpose but turned back you did. It is scary to think about starting from square one again.  You feel uneasy about walking in that door to a meeting, stepping on the scale and seeing the damage.  I know!  I've been there......more times than I care to count.

But you know how to get the job done.  I don't think I wrote about this....forgive me if I have.  You can skip to the next paragraph if this sounds familiar.   It was my stint with Weight Watchers before my high school reunion.  I know I've written about the reunion, but I don't think I mentioned how frustrated I was after the first week.  I stepped on the scale and was up 2 pounds.  I cussed out the program and exaggerated a little.  I shouted I didn't understand because I drank like 2 gallons of water....okay so it was more like 1 gallon of the course of the entire week.  But I knew what to do and finally got my mind with the program.

I'm not saying you don't know what it takes.  Sometimes the mind needs recharged and given a refresher course as to why we're doing what we're doing.  Then sometimes the bad minute is because we get complacent with where we are.  I experienced that not too long ago.  I became comfortable with where I was at the time and the exploration of my new self had started.  Then I realized how complacent and comfortable I was and recharged my mindset.  I reminded myself of why I started this journey.....what caused me to start this journey.

The door to Weight Watchers is ALWAYS open!  No need to watch everyone else go in.  If dangling off the wagon, grab hold with the other hand and pull up.  Climb back on and smile!  If chasing the wagon, just shout and it will wait.  We know what it takes to get the job done.  It's scary! I know how scary it can be.  I knew it took 3 bulbs for the bathroom light.  With a little help the job got done. And no one likes failure!  When the numbers don't go in the right direction, those feelings show themselves.  When I was told my position at the courthouse was eliminated, I was heartbroken.  I talked with my old boss.  Among agreeing to give me a reference, he said if someone called, he'd be honest and tell them I cry but I get over it real quick and move on.  Have a cry, get angry, then move on.  Know what it takes to get back on the wagon and get the job done.

Have a great week!  Summer has made its exit and Fall has arrived!  Make plans to enjoy it.