Going out for girls' night or happy hour is new to me. And although I realized I don't necessarily need that all the time, I never know what to wear and stumble on words if some guy asks if he can take the bar stool I'm not using. My friends tell me all the time I am beautiful and strong. You can do it! They say. You have lost 180 lbs! They reassure me. I am having a very hard time adjusting to the mental changes of this new me. I am warming up to group activities with other friends. Baby steps.
The last "can't" thing will stay in the bucket a little longer. In the words of Maverick from Top Gun, I would "crash and burn." As my friend told me, why set myself up to fail. While it will have to stay in the bucket a little longer and I was a little teary, it's for the best right now. At first I was excited about doing it....being able to stand tall and let my inner goddess do the talking. But I learned something today and grey clouds covered up the sunshine and rainbows. I let my fears take the lead and hold me back. It is said the best way to deal with fear is to face it. Well, I didn't.
When you lose 180 lbs in less than 2 years, everything comes at you at lightning speed. You are all of a sudden experiencing things for the first time in many years. A wave of emotions hit you and pulls you under. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. I want to be able to control it ALL the time and that is simply not going to happen. Sometimes I wonder did I shave my legs for this? I know about the healthy aspect of it, but seriously?! I hoped for a date for this past NYE, which didn't happen. I hoped for a Valentine....nope not that either. I wish I could go back in time and tell the bigger me that not everything is sunshine and rainbows when you lose the weight.
We work so hard to have it be sunshine and rainbows all the time. We work hard to maintain control. When we lose control, we feel defeated. We feel like a big grey cloud that covers up the miracle of rainbows. I don't know about you, but when I feel defeated, I tend to reach for a not so good choice. After I had a pity party, talked to God and expressed my frustration, and teared up a little (all today), I came home and walked out my frustration.
So in a weak moment of thinking I'm confident and looking good, I went out on a few dates. I call them one date wonders. All within the last year and all from dating sites. I had to go on maybe 2 to realize they only wanted one thing. Sure they fed me and participated in small talk. When you're in the 30s and early/mid 40s, dating is VERY DIFFERENT. I'm already on mental overload. Sure, let's throw a man in the mix who tells me I'm beautiful and doesn't quite understand why I am still single. I have learned something new from each date. I'm still learning how to get the 2d date.
Sometimes I wonder why, if other things seem to be aligning right, that my social life can't get with the program. I wonder why the mental changes can't be simple, let them happen, and have me go on my way. I wonder why am I making it so tough on myself and everyone else? It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Since I have nothing or no one vying for my attention, this week I will try to knock it out of the park and lose the weight I have put on. With no dates in the immediate future (or distant for that matter), I will throw myself into perfecting my yoga or spending time with friends. It's not all sunshine and rainbows.....although I am sure there is some bartender that could help us with that! When I need that laugh, I just look at Lucy and Libby. They are the sunshine and rainbows on my cloudy day.
The last "can't" thing will stay in the bucket a little longer. In the words of Maverick from Top Gun, I would "crash and burn." As my friend told me, why set myself up to fail. While it will have to stay in the bucket a little longer and I was a little teary, it's for the best right now. At first I was excited about doing it....being able to stand tall and let my inner goddess do the talking. But I learned something today and grey clouds covered up the sunshine and rainbows. I let my fears take the lead and hold me back. It is said the best way to deal with fear is to face it. Well, I didn't.
When you lose 180 lbs in less than 2 years, everything comes at you at lightning speed. You are all of a sudden experiencing things for the first time in many years. A wave of emotions hit you and pulls you under. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. I want to be able to control it ALL the time and that is simply not going to happen. Sometimes I wonder did I shave my legs for this? I know about the healthy aspect of it, but seriously?! I hoped for a date for this past NYE, which didn't happen. I hoped for a Valentine....nope not that either. I wish I could go back in time and tell the bigger me that not everything is sunshine and rainbows when you lose the weight.
We work so hard to have it be sunshine and rainbows all the time. We work hard to maintain control. When we lose control, we feel defeated. We feel like a big grey cloud that covers up the miracle of rainbows. I don't know about you, but when I feel defeated, I tend to reach for a not so good choice. After I had a pity party, talked to God and expressed my frustration, and teared up a little (all today), I came home and walked out my frustration.
So in a weak moment of thinking I'm confident and looking good, I went out on a few dates. I call them one date wonders. All within the last year and all from dating sites. I had to go on maybe 2 to realize they only wanted one thing. Sure they fed me and participated in small talk. When you're in the 30s and early/mid 40s, dating is VERY DIFFERENT. I'm already on mental overload. Sure, let's throw a man in the mix who tells me I'm beautiful and doesn't quite understand why I am still single. I have learned something new from each date. I'm still learning how to get the 2d date.
Sometimes I wonder why, if other things seem to be aligning right, that my social life can't get with the program. I wonder why the mental changes can't be simple, let them happen, and have me go on my way. I wonder why am I making it so tough on myself and everyone else? It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Since I have nothing or no one vying for my attention, this week I will try to knock it out of the park and lose the weight I have put on. With no dates in the immediate future (or distant for that matter), I will throw myself into perfecting my yoga or spending time with friends. It's not all sunshine and rainbows.....although I am sure there is some bartender that could help us with that! When I need that laugh, I just look at Lucy and Libby. They are the sunshine and rainbows on my cloudy day.
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