New Year...........fresh starts

"Fresh starts.  Thanks to the calendar, they happen ever year.  Just set your watch to January.  Put your past behind you and start over."  

How was the survival of the Christmas holidays?  One more holiday to go.  Resolutions being written?  Are there changes?  Or maybe the week was bad and you wished to Undo It!  Or maybe undo the last few months or this past year.    

I am starting maintenance week 3.  I finished week 2 on a happy note. Happy to report I lost the gain from celebration week. No more peanuts, cookies or crackers.  All the cookies got delivered on Christmas Eve (see photos below).  Back on plan and increased my activity.  It felt so good to go back to eating what I normally eat.  An apple has never tasted so good.  Thank goodness!   Just 4 more to go.

There were several moments (sometimes days or weeks) I wish I could undo.  Sometimes not even food related.  The moments I took a step outside my comfort zone and made a complete fool of myself.  Knowing it's better to leave well enough alone. There'll be more I'm sure, but I will learn to pick and choose.

With regard to those things food related, even during this journey, I wish I could undo times I ate too much (the apps that added on) or drank too much.  The times when, instead of an activity to feel better, I ate to have the feeling of inadequacy go away.  I wish I could undo the last 5-6 years.  But, if I look at it another way, it's all part of the journey. Part of the exploration of one's self.  For those 5-6  years brought me to this place and started this journey.

So a new year begins this week! I am excited about starting 2016. I believe it will be the best year yet for us!  My resolutions will change and for the first time in a few years, it will not have "lose weight" on it.  It will not have "start walking" on it.  The box I built around myself is no longer.........although the barbwire fence around my heart is still there.  Only certain people are allowed beyond the fence.  It will take a strong (and special) person to tear away the fence.

A good friend of mine gave me a glass box for Christmas to put all my wishes and dreams in.  I will write them down on pieces of paper and tuck them safely in the box.  One wish will be missing (one that came true)....the one wish that I could/would lose weight.  Maybe I need to include it and instead of "wish" on the piece of paper, put "came true."

My other friend gave me a packet of different color fit bit bands so I can walk in style with a different color every day!  So I am safe while walking early in the morning (or as one friend puts it, "in the middle of the night"), my walking buddy and BFF gave me some pepper spray.........and yes it's in a pink holder!

A new year.  It means so many things.  I will try to put the past behind me......although sometimes it's easier said than done.  Fresh start.  We all need a fresh start.  Maybe you look at the new Weight Watchers program with new eyes and new perspective.  Look at it with fresh eyes as if you were a new member.

What does a new year for me mean? It means expanding my comfort zone, living a little more, always learning how to live a healthy lifestyle and improve on myself.  To make sure that I know whatever I will want to undo is just part of life.  If we never wanted to undo things, then how boring would life be!  It means becoming a Weight Watchers lifetime member and being very proud of my accomplishment.  This one huge accomplishment.

Okay, so some of you may be asking what I have on my "resolution" list.  Alright, I'll give you a glimpse.  These are just a few.......this blog is already longer than I anticipated.

1.  Start running
2.  Run/walk 5K and marathons
3.  Perfect my yoga practice
4.  Take more time for me
5.  Learn to love the new me.

When you sit down to write those resolutions, maybe don't include "continue to lose weight," but something like "continue living a healthier lifestyle."  It's a fresh start.  Beginning on Friday, we have 365 days to look forward to.  When I started this post I initially thought about the moments I wish I could undo.  Then I started writing and it went in another direction.  I will remember when there are moments I wish I could undo, it's all part of living and exploring this new life of mine.

Happy New Year!  2016  will be the best year yet!

What do they have that I don't? More importantly...Do I have what it takes?

"We all think we are going to be great.  And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.  But sometimes, our expectations sell us short.  Sometimes, the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.......you gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations.  Because the expected is just what keeps us steady...standing.......still.  The unexpected is just the beginning. The unexpected....is what changes our lives."

No video this time.  I am still trying it out.  But I needed to vent just a little and I didn't want to do it on the video.

So.......here I am once again.......standing at the doorstep of maintenance. And for some reason, I am wondering if I am ready (or want) to walk through.  After this last week, I would have said no.  Last week, first week on maintenance, was an epic fail.  I gained so much even the weigh in person was shocked.  I know what happened.  Would you like to know?  It started with celebration at one of my favorite wine bars.  There was a happy hour.....which I happily enjoyed.  The celebration lasted all week! I think my body revolted against all the weird food I was eating.  Weird to my body since I don't normally eat those things.

I am ready to get back on the train and get it moving.  Last week was a wake up call that I can no longer eat like that.  Do I have what it takes?  A thought crossed my mind.........you known when you are losing the weight, the wishes are for the number to go down.  Once on maintenance, thew wish is for the number to stay steady or if HAS to yo yo, then only do it a little.

Do I have what it takes?  Some of you would say, "Yes, duh!"  And I would tend to agree.....I had what it took to lose almost 203 lbs.  I had what it took to step on the scale week after week,  But, this is a different ball game.  Diabetes is under control.....milligram dosage in pill I take was decreased. And, yes, I had what it took to get me to this point  But at this point in the ball game, it takes something different to not get a strike. 

Getting to goal is just a small piece of the puzzle.  I am still learning to be the [new] me.  And here is where I need to vent.  [I know I tossed this subject in the dumpster, but I need to resurrect it just for a brief moment]  Maybe my hormones are on overload this week.  I realize there is no right or wrong answer, but I would like to know what the hell I am missing?  I am tired of getting passed up because of the age thing, looks, or lack of chemistry.  So I have no control over the age thing {but that's going to be a deal breaker....really?!} And don't you have to talk to see if chemistry is there?!   I have bras from the famous bra store to make my chest appear larger. I could lose another 60 lbs and that one thing would STILL be missing.   So......whatever chance there was, is gone.  If it's not realized I am a catch and someone to be chased instead of get away, then why waste my energy?  I'm not the stupid one!  Whew!  Okay, I think I am done.  Glittery things, glittery things.  

Although the prior me was banished to the land of no return, she resurfaces without my knowledge occasionally.  This is a story/journey that has no end.  But, here's a glittery thought.  I am starting the new year 203 lbs lighter.  I am starting the new year on my way to lifetime.  I am starting the new year with two of the most awesome friends ever!  I learn something from them every day.  And we tend to lean on each other.  We have things planned.............road trip to Austin.  Never been on a road trip.  Learning how to two step.  And yes.......we will try speed dating/mixers........purely for the entertainment.  

What do they have that I don't?  Not sure, but who knows?! Someone could ask themselves the same question.  Two years ago, I knew how to answer.  I didn't have the will power, the perseverance, or the competitive attitude I do now.  I didn't have the "want to" to lose 203 lbs.  Do I have what it takes?  To make it through goal.  I would hope so.  Do I have what it takes to let go of the past? Maybe.  It'll take time.  It's more psychological for me at this point.  I've done the weight loss.  Now, it's psych time to learn to maintain it.  A friend of mine asked me if it was possible that it's the anxiety of going through maintenance and finally reaching the goal.  Absolutely!  This might sound depressing, but you can't wait to get to the goal you set for yourself.  For me, reaching this last goal and losing 203 lbs, was like coming to the edge of a cliff.  I did it!  I climbed that mountain.  Uh oh! How do I make it back down to earth?  Or do I spread my arms and fly.  Sure it's anxiety.  

"It's one of those things people say: you can't move on until you've let go of the past.  Letting go is the easy part.  It's the moving on that's painful.  So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same.  Things can't stay the same though.  At some point, you just have to let go, move on.  Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

You may ask yourself do you have what it takes?  You bet!  You have the knowledge, the will power and the vision of a healthier future.  You have what it takes to ring in the new year a little lighter, whole lot healthier, and happier.

Y'all have a very Merry Christmas and a fantastical New Year!

Change.......it comes whether we like or not. Embrace the change!

Change.....we don't like it, we fear it.  But we can't stop it from coming.  We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.  It hurts to grow.  Anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying  But here's the truth: Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.  And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good.  Sometimes change is everything!

I have grown so much in the last several months.  And I will continue to grow and sometimes it may not be pretty!  Will I ever eat a fast food hamburger again?  Probably not.  Will I change what I eat for breakfast?  Maybe.  But those plain Cheerios are just that awesome!  What I will do is add things I want to do to my mental list which I probably should put on paper.  

Two hundred two pounds!  And six ounces........those ounces are important!  Weight I will NEVER see again.  I will continue to learn how to make that happen.  I'm sure it will include change.  

So here's a list of things I want to do:

Start running

Participate in a half marathon (will do in 2016)

Participate in a full marathon

Be in a 5K every month

Learn how to two step

Become serious about my yoga practice (haven't been lately.....sure they are missing me)

I am sure I will think of more things I want to do.  But for now, that's a start. 

Change.  Growth.  Change is feared and growth hurts.  But when change is embraced, no one is left behind.   And as for the growth (new or otherwise), it may only hurt for a moment.  As women we go through a lot more just to look pretty.  We can deal with a little change and growth!  As weight is lost, why not embrace (or adapt) to the new changes?!  Sometimes change is everything and can be oh so good!

Y'all have an amazing week.  Embrace the new changes in the new Smart Points program.  Maybe a new favorite food will be found.  

GiveThanks for what is now and for what is to come!

"Give thanks for a little and you will receive a lot." 

(Those of you keeping track, I did very well last week....after getting frustrated with my gain the prior week....and lost 5 lbs!  Only 4.8 lbs to go before the finale!). 

Brrr! Well, it appears we skipped fall and headed right into winter.......at least for a couple of days! Don't fret......those predictable Texas temps will come back just in time for Thanksgiving on Thursday (note sarcasm in voice) with another shot of winter air afterwards.  

This week will be filled with menu planning, family time, and celebration of the 1st major holiday of the 2015 holiday season!  Thanksgiving!  It can also be filled with nervousness and anxiety.  The menu planning alone can cause sweat breakouts.  The holiday can cause stress like no other for those on the path to losing weight.  But if we're focused and determined, Thanksgiving can come off without a hitch.  A couple of months ago, while perusing the web looking at Weight Watcher blogs, I came across one with an acronym for Thanksgiving.  But when I really want it now, it's nowhere to be found.  Ha!  But I found this one from a blog.  The original blogger said she saw it a WW meeting.  

  

I imagine most are already picturing the "temptation" table filled with mashed potatoes, southern cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes dressed in everything from marshmallows to pecans, and the overflowing basket of rolls.  In the middle is the turkey and somewhere on the table are green beans loaded with mushroom soup and fried onions.  And those desserts!  The horror! It comes every year and every year our readiness level increases.  I will occupy my  time with seeing my nephew and my step/bonus niece.  I will delight in participating in the GE Run Through the Woods for the first time. Squash those temptations like a bug!

In our Sunday meeting, the leader asked us what we were thankful for.   Thankful.  Definition of the word looks like this: pleased and relieved; expressing gratitude and relief.  Well, if I answer with this week in mind, I am pleased that I lost what I gained (and more) and relieved I remained focused. Answering with my entire journey in mind, well, it requires some thought.  Believe it or not I am thankful for that diagnosis in 2014 that made me realize the time is now.  Thankful that God has not faltered or given up on me.  He knew who the person inside was all along.  To be able to walk double digit miles 5 days a week (single digit miles on the weekend) and enjoy it.  And to walk with an awesome person who knows me inside and out.

Most of my life I have stayed in the shadows, under the radar, only to peek out occasionally.  I felt left out and like I didn't belong. I am thankful for the support, friendship, and kindness from the Sunday morning Weight Watcher group.  I walk in and know that no one will judge, snicker or look me up and down.  I am thankful that, for whatever reason, I chose this Sunday morning group.

I am thankful I am learning more and more to make healthy options when temptation doesn't leave me alone.  My leader forwarded me a link to a blog that I read this morning.  Oh my goodness... such an insightful and thought provoking blog.  I am thankful I am not alone on this wild journey.  My life has taken a whirlwind turn and gone in directions I never knew existed.

Thankfulness for losing the weight I have lost and feeling fantastic!  I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for the journey I have been on.  Gratitude for myself for becoming a stronger person.  Relief in knowing that temptations do not get the best of me.  Gratitude for those along with me for the ride.
Thursday hands will be joined across tables to give Thanks.  Thanks that maybe the potatoes have a little less butter or cream cheese in them.  Thanks that there are two dishes of steamed green beans with almonds and oooh, that Pumpkin Fluff.  I will give thanks that I have a job (albeit part time, a job), good health, family I can't live without, and that I was able to finish the 3 mile walk earlier in the day with GE Run Through the Woods. What are you thankful for?  What will you express gratitude for?  Are you pleased you strategized and as a reward, that glass of wine has your name on it?

Gobble Gobble!! Happy Thanksgiving!

Just in case you need it....

I wish I may......I wish I might......first star I see tonight

"We don't wish for the easy stuff; we wish for the big things.  Things that are ambitious, out of reach.  We wish because we need help, and we're scared, and we know we may be asking too much.  We still wish though, because sometimes they come true."

It happens every week; Monday arrives with determination and a renewed sense of focus.  Monday is rarely liked but with its determination, it shows up time and time again.  The rest of the days are a little easier to handle.  I started this blog on Monday and yet here I am.....still trying to write it.  On one of my walks with my friend this week, she said something that made me think what a great subject.  I need to start stopping in my tracks then and there and take note.  

Wishes.  I remember being younger and looking through JCP Wishbook and other toy catalogs making my Christmas list. Writing them all down (with pictures too) and giving the list to my grandmother or mom.  This time of year, I think there are more wishes spoken aloud than any other time.  Wouldn't it be great if everyone had their own special genie who granted those wishes?

Although I started last week out on a bad mental note, I thought I ended up okay.  I got a little disappointed and agitated at the beginning of last week but by Wednesday I was feeling okay.  I think I got wrapped up in feeling good about covering whatever was annoying me with glitter I forgot to seriously track.  Plus, and not that it was bad food, I ate some things I normally don't eat.  You can guess what the result of last week was.  I wish every Sunday morning when I step on that scale that it continues to go down.  Sunday it did not.....sadly.  Although a small amount, I'll keep the number to myself; but it was disappointing.  

Although they are different than just a year or so ago, my wishes are still for big things.  At times when I would like to buy some clothes, buy something for myself, or do something spontaneous, I wish I had a full time job.  As I stand looking at myself in the mirror, I wish the extra skin would go away.  A magic wand could be waved and it would disappear.  I wish I could see myself the way other see me.   All wishes.  Hoping that one of two of them come true.  And I still have those wishes that almost every woman has.  Oh how sometimes I wish I had a fairy godmother.

Wishes are powerful things (this time I took a mental note of what she said....of course it helped it that we were almost home).  Hmmm.....powerful things.  This is true.  They can help us grow and make us realize it's okay to have help with wishes.  I am proof that some of my previous wishes have come true.....I wished that I could lose weight.  I wanted a phenomenal group of friends and the wish came true.

There are mornings when I wake up and wish I didn't have the struggles I deal with.  But then life would be perfect and what fun is that!?  Perfect life means no wishes.  No wishes!  I am learning that nothing is out of reach.  I just have to wish a little harder.

So get out your paper and pen and write down what you wish for.  Your Wish List.  It's okay to say them out loud.  You never know when they might come true!

When did this happen? And by the way.....who are you?

We assume the really serious changes in our lives happen slowly; over time.  That's not always true. The big stuff happens in an instant.  Becoming an adult, a parent, spouse; one minute you're not and the next you are.  Sometimes you don't even know any thing's changed.  You think, you're still you and your life is still your life.  But you wake up one day and look around and you don't recognize anything; not anything at all.  

Do you remember when you became a parent?  A spouse?  An adult? You're thinking nothing is going to change; but then BAM!  You're out in the world....grown up.  You're responsible for another human. Or you are now formally (and legally) part of a "we."  Sure, there was planning, but the changes were almost instant.  Yes, weight loss happens over time and there is planning and concentration; then all of a sudden the image in the mirror is not the same as before.  

I went to my cousin's baby shower over the weekend.  I walked in the house and both cousins and my aunt didn't recognize me.  They had only looked at pictures.  I wanted to tell them most days I don't recognize me!  I am once again at the doorstep of an amazing accomplishment. Will I make this my last stop before maintenance? Most likely. Some time ago, I remarked to a former co-worker I had a plan.  By the time I turned 45 I wanted to be at a healthy weight (or a weight I was happy with).  By the time maintenance and lifetime roll around, I will be ahead of schedule. And while it has taken time to lose the weight, some of the changes seem to be instantaneous.  I have learned important things along the way; it is important to be aware of the portion sizes of the food, measure just about everything, and track/journal everything.  Make sure you get in activity because that is important.

Last week I woke up one day and found that my stomach was just a little bit flatter.  And I felt different.  A good different but different just the same.  This experience.....or journey.....has been a whirlwind of physical and psychological complexities.  My smile can be beaming but these last few months of this significant weight loss has been more involved (and I suppose complex) than just a before and after picture.   I sometimes look in the mirror and don't know the person staring back at me.  I mean, who is this person that walks close to 12 miles every day?  I know when the trigger was pulled and what caused it.  And I can't go back.  I don't want to go back.

I got dressed the other day and the 36C bra I hooked into place wasn't feeling tight.  Should it?  I put on my pants and realized they were size 14.  When did that happen?  I am having a problem right now trying to catch up to this new me.  I have counted, measured, listened, and tracked for the last (almost) 2 years.  And all of a sudden I see a totally different person in the mirror.  When did all of this happen?  Who is this person?  This person who chose positivity over toxicity.

I tried on the rings that take up residence in my makeshift jewelry box.  I felt like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  Slipped one on the ring finger....too big.  Slipped one on the middle finger........still too big.  Even the costume looking rings are no match for my small fingers.  At the shower, my cousin told me I looked like my mother.  My uncle first said my grandmother, then the other grandmother. Do I?  Look like those people?  Although a nice compliment, I just want to look like myself. Whatever that may look like.  And right now, I don't even recognize whoever I am to look like.

There are times I get confused as to who's who.  Times when I question certain things.  One minute Persephone is running the show, the next the insecure me cuts in.  Just proves I am very much still in the exploratory phase.  It's those moments I have to stop and ask who's on first.  And why is this happening? What does she have that I don't?  What if I am in those statistics that never find what I think I want?  Thank goodness for the friends that constantly remind me of how amazing I am and how worthy I am of something better than what I think of myself. A New York Times best selling author Geneen Roth  had this to say; "It's a fantasy, that when we lose weight, everything wrong in our lives is going to be right - that means our relationships are going to be right, we're going to feel completely differently about ourselves.  People are shocked to find out that this thing that they've been longing for and waiting for, working for is not what they thought it was."

There are those who are looking for someone who is going through this with them.  Rest assured I am going through this with you.  I have been.  I struggle with making sure I track every day, the temptations around me, and should I or shouldn't I eat that.  I am here to show you what the psychological part looks like.  Because one day, you are going to wake up after your amazing weight loss (whether it be 15, 25, 30, 50 or more pounds) and ask yourself, "When did this happen? And who are you?"  

No one ever said it would be easy......

"Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognize how to take that very first step  Then you start your journey.  You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out.  Even if you're tired, even if you want to walk away.  You don't.  Because you are a pioneer.  But nobody ever said it would be easy."

"Life is not a spectator sport.  Win, lose, or draw, the game is in progress whether we want it to be or not.  So go ahead.....argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little, and tend to your wounds. But play.  Play.  Play hard and play fast.  Play loose and free.  Play as if there's no tomorrow.  Okay, so it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game, right?"

I thought these quotes summed up this past week pretty well for some of you.  If you need something else; something to make you laugh, I think this will.  Picture it: an attorney's office in the middle of trial preparation.  We are all headless chickens at this point with trial just a week away.  Lights go out in the bathroom.  Our office has no janitorial service nor any "handyman" service.  While I am at the office trying to figure out a way to change the three fluorescent bulbs, the other assistant is running errands for our bosses.  He has pulled the "brother" card and told her not to come back to the office without a bulb for the bathroom.  Thanks to my pictures, she finds the bulbs and he also has told her to get their lunch before she heads back.  She waits and waits some more for their order......not waiting on the restaurant but our bosses to text her!  So she tells me that if she can't come back without a bulb, she's so not coming back without their sandwich!!  In the meantime I have hijacked a step ladder from another office.  At this point, the attorneys are so oblivious as to what is going on, we could be changing the light bulb in our underwear and they wouldn't know the difference.  She came back and we proceed to change the bulbs.....well, at least learn how to.  With me being the most graceful one (sarcastic laugh), I am on the top of the ladder.  She is keeping it grounded.  Together, we got the bulbs in and we had light in the bathroom once again.  After returning the ladder, I kidnapped a broom because I broke one of the burned out bulbs.  At least we were able to laugh about the day.

So, some of you had a bad minute last week.  And Halloween weekend didn't help the situation at all. I suppose all those fears got to some of us.  I hear stress also came to visit.  Stress can be a harmful thing.  So you might be dangling from the wagon or completely off of it.  You might have been at mile 98 and turned back....not on purpose but turned back you did. It is scary to think about starting from square one again.  You feel uneasy about walking in that door to a meeting, stepping on the scale and seeing the damage.  I know!  I've been there......more times than I care to count.

But you know how to get the job done.  I don't think I wrote about this....forgive me if I have.  You can skip to the next paragraph if this sounds familiar.   It was my stint with Weight Watchers before my high school reunion.  I know I've written about the reunion, but I don't think I mentioned how frustrated I was after the first week.  I stepped on the scale and was up 2 pounds.  I cussed out the program and exaggerated a little.  I shouted I didn't understand because I drank like 2 gallons of water....okay so it was more like 1 gallon of the course of the entire week.  But I knew what to do and finally got my mind with the program.

I'm not saying you don't know what it takes.  Sometimes the mind needs recharged and given a refresher course as to why we're doing what we're doing.  Then sometimes the bad minute is because we get complacent with where we are.  I experienced that not too long ago.  I became comfortable with where I was at the time and the exploration of my new self had started.  Then I realized how complacent and comfortable I was and recharged my mindset.  I reminded myself of why I started this journey.....what caused me to start this journey.

The door to Weight Watchers is ALWAYS open!  No need to watch everyone else go in.  If dangling off the wagon, grab hold with the other hand and pull up.  Climb back on and smile!  If chasing the wagon, just shout and it will wait.  We know what it takes to get the job done.  It's scary! I know how scary it can be.  I knew it took 3 bulbs for the bathroom light.  With a little help the job got done. And no one likes failure!  When the numbers don't go in the right direction, those feelings show themselves.  When I was told my position at the courthouse was eliminated, I was heartbroken.  I talked with my old boss.  Among agreeing to give me a reference, he said if someone called, he'd be honest and tell them I cry but I get over it real quick and move on.  Have a cry, get angry, then move on.  Know what it takes to get back on the wagon and get the job done.

Have a great week!  Summer has made its exit and Fall has arrived!  Make plans to enjoy it.

Spooks and fears show up not just on Halloween

"Fear: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise"

Boo!  It's Halloween this weekend and I guess you could say the start of the holiday season.  For people trying to lose weight, this time can be more stressful than a day at the office.  Spooks, witches, and fears may be the main characters for Halloween, but for some, fears show up every day  

After a week without yoga, I was glad to go to class this week.  The teacher even worked the Halloween holiday into our practice.  There were some spooky poses such as "flying witch" and "hanging tree."  And we must not forget "Demon" down dog!  

I started thinking of my fears.   Yes, even I have fears.  And they are very real.  I have a fear of thunderstorms.  Not the mild ones during the day that come and go but the severe ones during the night.  You don't know what's happening because it's already dark.  Along the same lines, there's the fear of a tornado taking the roof off my house.  I'll be the one that the news helicopter zooms in on while I'm hiding in the bathtub!

Although this is quite morbid to think about, I have a fear that when I leave this earthly place, I will not have known love and there won't be anyone at my funeral.  I've been to funerals where the sanctuary is packed and I've been to some where just a handful of people show up to pay their respects.  I'd like something in between.  My main fear, though, is I won't have known love and had someone in my life that I was their everything.

Recently, though, I have new fears.  And I suppose it comes along with losing weight....any amount really.  Fear of gaining it back......any of it back.  I fear that I'll wake up one morning and it's all been a dream.  Guess that's why I haven't really allowed myself to take time for the big OMG moment. That's a fear every day, not just on Halloween.  I know I should be able to have, for example, a Chick-Fi-La sandwich.  But, for me, it's just not a sandwich.  My fear is that I have a sandwich, then  I'll want the fries and so on.  It is a real fear.  That is why I choose to stay away from fast food.

Same goes for a cookie.  As I am still learning how to handle temptation and my fears, having just ONE cookie is not an option for me right now.  Just ONE cookie?!  Really.  The fear is that I will have that cookie and tell myself one more won't hurt.  Then 2 becomes 3 and so on.  It all adds to one big fear.  That is that if I have fast food, something that was a staple in my life not so long ago, I will allow my former self to come back.  I know I am much stronger than that, yet I am scared just the same.  I might just fall to temptation.

The point when you choose to be done losing and then try to maintain it is scary to me.  Maybe that's why I flew past my original goal and reset it.  I am scared that when I enter maintenance, it will take me just as long to maintain that 2 lb. range either way as when I started.  Or that a nudge will push me into losing more.  At what point do I stop?  My friends say I stop when I am happy with me.  Oh, but only one knows just how highly competitive I am with myself.  My fear is that I will fail at maintenance.

And lastly, I fear I won't know quite what to do with myself.  What happens after maintenance and lifetime?  I go out into the world!  Do I continue my 12+ mile walking routine?  Do I dress a little sexier?  I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this new self.

It's Halloween!  That means ghosts, witches, spooks, and fears.  We all have fears.  I would be surprised if yours show up only during Halloween and the months following.  So, with your fears, do you forget everything you've learned and run or will you face them and rise?  It will be time before I can face some of mine.....mainly the food related ones.  But I am hoping I can face them and rise above them.

It's all in my head....really

I start the week ever closer to ending another chapter in my life.  I wasn't optimistic about getting on the scale this morning but glad I did.  I am just 11 lbs from losing an astounding 200 lbs.  I can't believe it.....200 lbs.!!!

I never anticipated my life taking the path that it has.  I have conquered more fears and things I never thought about doing.  I am constantly in awe of how many people say I inspire and motivate them.  I walk the 10+ miles every day because once I started, I found out I like the walking.  I feel awesome that I am able to do it and great after I walk those miles. I stay away from fast food because it is a trigger for me.  Same goes for cookies and chips (especially those served at Papasitos!). While I love, love, love you following my blog and my weight loss, I've left out one thing.  Results can vary.  Yes, the weight has come off somewhat quicker than normal, but I think my insulin injections contributed to that.  I am no longer on insulin.  I walk 10+ miles a day because like I said, once I started, I realized I love it.  I blame the fitbit challenges for that.  Ha!  And some of it may be in head.  So, with all of that out of the way.......

As women, we tend to over analyze EVERYTHING.  The smallest of things become bigger than life, causing us to stress over them needlessly.  Someone might say it's all in our heads.  

I used to tell myself that men didn't approach me because my chest wasn't bigger or I wasn't as thin as the next person.  Friends told me that was my perception.  

On that day when I was discharged from the hospital, I went home with more information about diabetes than I cared to.  My head was overwhelmed with eat this, eat that, no not that.  I would have to use a blueprint to make my plate at every meal.  Pair that with Weight Watchers and my blond brain was on overload.  I think I felt like I couldn't handle it.  It was just too much.  And you might say that feeling was all in my head.  

I was learning how to inject myself with insulin as well as what foods were diabetic friendly.  No full size baked potato for me; instead, it was suggested I eat smaller potatoes.  And if I had a starchy vegetable such as corn or rice, I couldn't have bread with dinner.  Having grapes meant having only 17 of them.  I could eat a banana, but only half.  It was a ballgame with many rules. Toss in Weight Watchers and my head contained a lot of information.  If I was going to be successful I would have to commit to tracking what I put in my mouth.  I eventually had numbers in my head of how many points were in a 1/2 cup of corn or rice.  

Before my journey began on Weight Watchers and diabetes, when I would settle in for an evening of pizza, enough popcorn for an army, and perhaps a cookie, I would tell myself I had a rough day or I'd start seriously come Monday.  Having to buy clothes at just one store was because fashion designers were making clothes smaller.  That's what I would tell myself.

I knew I had to lose weight in order to be healthier and live longer.  Lose weight to get the diabetes under control.   I was so wrapped up in balancing my diabetes and Weight Watchers and mainly watching what I was eating, I didn't realize what was going on in my head.  People started to notice a change in me after I lost 100 pounds.  I was liking this start of a transformation.  

Over the next months, I concentrated on watching what I ate and being accountable as well.  I watched the weight start to come off.  I increased my activity, doing some things for the first time. But, even though the weight came off, in my head I still saw myself as the old me.  Before I embarked on this journey, I always just assumed that once I lost weight everything would be right with the world.  I would get called back for that interview the heavier me missed.  Once I lost weight, I would no longer have just one store to shop in.

I am now a year and half into this journey of mine.  That might be the equivalent of someone traveling the world, I don't know.  After losing 189 pounds, I have learned that it's all in my head.  I am now at the point where the mental work really begins.  I suppose I've been in denial about the entire transformation.

This is a very personal journey for me.  I am learning the person I'm evolving to be is probably who I was meant to be.  Everything is not right with the world even after losing close to 200 pounds.  I am not talking about the physical aspects........you know - the reality of being able to wear any clothes, the fact that I am now wearing a bra size I haven't seen since my teen years, or that none of my rings fit, not even the beautiful one my grandmother used to wear.  At the age of 44, not quite halfway to 45, I am finally learning to live my life!

I am learning how to handle those people that can't quite adjust to the ongoing changes.  The other night while on my You Tube page, in their recommendations for me was a Victoria Secret fashion show video.  Not sure why it showed up but I remember thinking years ago if I lost weight I could look like one of their models.  My body would magically transform itself into a model figure.  Wrong!  All in my head.

In the beginning there is the focus on changing over to healthy eating habits and the commitment to losing weight.  There is the enjoyment when numbers go down on the scale and in sizes with clothes. At what point does the mental work begin is usually up to the person.  Some people can handle the mental part along with losing the weight and changing their mindset.  Some, like me, it comes towards the end.  I now have different information and visions in my head.  I don't have to look like a Victoria Secret model to wear their clothes.  Nor do I have to look like one, if by chance, if I am given the opportunity to wear some wings!  Ha!  I am wearing sizes I had dreamed of wearing.

At the same time, those prior food triggers are still in my head as well as my fears.  I have to use my new found control to keep them far away.  So I am ever evolving and no doubt it's still all in my head.

Ummm.....what do you mean? [head cocked to one side]

Apologies for the tardiness in posting this.  Along with trial prep, I needed to think of the words I wanted to use.  Yes, this blog is about my journey, but I want the words to be understood and relatable.

Is there someone in your life that you can tell anything to and they will almost always agree with you?  I have two people like that.  And this week while walking the trails on Trail Tuesday, never have I been in sync with one of them more than on this day.  The conversation that followed what I said to her was nothing short of amazing. 

Have you ever wondered why some people ask you certain questions? Why ask how you are if they don't really care to know?  By no means am I saying that people aren't sensitive or actually want to know how you're doing.  So some of you may gasp at what I write next and others might have a light bulb go off in their head and say, I know the feeling!  I mentioned to my trail buddy that it occurred to me that when I give people a Cliff's Notes version of my story and end it with how much I have lost, the first question out of their mouth - after they pick their jaw up off the ground - is "You must feel great!"  Well, I suppose it's not a question but a statement but it's conveyed that way.   Now, on the other side of that coin are those that know me that may ask "Do you feel better?" You may be thinking, what's the difference?  Well, my friends and support team know me and what my journey has been like.  But it's those people that don't know you......the strangers.  

I must feel great.  Now, I suppose that may be the only question/statement that comes to mind when they've just heard how much I have lost.  Maybe they think they'd insult me or offend me if they asked how I did it or how long it took to lose it.  But to assume I must feel great baffles me.  And this is why:

Happiness of one's self is a personal journey and story.  Who are these people saying I must feel anything? They didn't know me when I was at my heaviest.  My friend said she was looking on my facebook page the other day and saw older photos of me.  She said I was smiling in all of them.  For all she or the strangers knew, I could have felt great back then or was happy.  It's almost like a mandated emotion I'm supposed to feel.  They do not know the story behind the weight loss.

I've mentioned this to several of my friends, mostly the new ones......the ones that have heard my story in bits along the way.  They tend to agree with me.  I don't want you to think you can't say anything like that to me.  We know each other and I have allowed you into my thoughts and on this personal journey.  When someone I don't even know says a comment like that, this is what I would like to say:

Why must I feel great?  Honestly, I feel ashamed that I betrayed my body and let my weight get as high as it did.   I am embarrassed that I didn't stay on track all those years ago after I lost 93 pounds to maintain that loss.  And further, to be truthful, when I was my heaviest and would eat junk food like the world was ending, after the initial food high, I felt sick.   So, no I do not feel great.  Do they really know what it takes to lose 200 pounds to know how great I should feel?  Do they realize the struggle is real and it's a forever thing?  Do they?  In order for them to say I must feel great.

There are days I feel tired from this "fight mode" as my friend Laura calls it.  I have no one to blame for this fight mode that I am in but me.  This transformation and journey has been anything but easy and not so great in the beginning.  Do they realize what it takes for me to crawl out of bed 6 days a week at 4:30 a.m. and walk 6 miles before the sun comes up?  And do it all over again before it goes down.  I write down everything (okay, just about everything) I eat.  I will always journal what I eat.  I am in a battle that will last a lifetime.   There is a fear in me that I will put some of the weight back on.

This is a personal journey and my emotions are nothing short of a whirlwind.  Yes, I feel great after I walk 6, 8, or 10+ miles.  Yes I feel great when I work hard during the week and I reap the rewards on Sunday morning.  I feel great when I eat healthy and my body thanks me.  But I feel great because I want to.  Not because someone tells me I must feel great.

The only thing we must be able to do is this journey our way.  If anything, we must be able to experience all kinds of emotions.  We can feel great one day, but also feel sad or frustrated the next.  For me, and most of us, it's a continuing journey.  I'll be forever transforming and discovering things about myself and this lifestyle.  No one should be told they must feel anything.  Our emotions are just that.....our emotions.  Feel great because you want to!

Have a great week!  If you're new to my blog, don't forget me.  It may be a wild ride.....a wild glittery ride!

Did you say it?

Did you say it? I love you? I don't ever want to live without you.  You changed my life...did you say it?  Make a plan.  Set a goal.  Work towards it.  But every now and then, look around.  Drink it in. 'Cause this is it.  It might all be gone tomorrow.  

Anyone else watch/watched Grey's Anatomy?  I watched it from day 1 until a couple of years ago. After some of the main characters left, my enthusiasm for watching the show deflated.  There wasn't much left once McSteamy, Cristina, George, and McDreamy left.  But this is one of my favorite quotes or monologues from the show.  And it begged for a blog post.  

Our leader sent a text recently: Who has helped you in your weight loss journey? Take some time this week and thank them.  There are too many of you for me to text individually.   So here's my thank you: Thank you guys so much for all your encouraging, motivating, inspiring words.  When I least expect it, you surprise me with small tokens from your hearts. You make me smile and brighten my day.  

Make a plan.  Set a goal.  I started with a plan and a goal.  I worked towards it and once I got to it, I came up with a new plan.  I have done nothing but worked and fought since Day 1 to make sure this plan/goal worked.  I give 110% every day to achieve my goal(s).  I try to remain ever so focused never taking my eye off the prize.  I have just recently started living, as my friend/walking partner puts it.  Okay, so most of my living includes walking but at least I am out there living my life instead of looking.  There's no need to look for the prize as I already have it in my sights.  Some might say I already have the prize.  That may be, but there's the Grand Prize.

But maybe I haven't been living as I need to be.  Okay, so I tossed some non-material things to the dumpster to fill my head with glittery things.  But maybe they are the same things that are already on my mind just covered in glitter.  I need to really start living.  My new friend and walking buddy (I thank God for bringing her to me and I thank her every day) has no problem doing things on her own. Maybe I need to visit this "living" that I am doing and really live.  See the world.  I am so committed to this weight loss journey, and rightfully so, but as she puts it, I haven't taken a step back to really see what my accomplishments.

So I think I took a small step back and saw a glimpse of what I have done.  My friend talked about her friend who has decided to get serious about fitness and eating healthier. And what she wanted to weigh.  She said the number and I said, without knowing I said it, "I was at that point 100 lbs ago."  OMG....did I really say that?  Call it an Aha moment.  So I am going to try to stop and drink it in.  Stop and look around because it could all be gone tomorrow

Did you say it?  You have changed my life.  Did you say it?  I would be lost on this journey without you.  I love you.  We all have a plan we're working on.  We all have a goal to reach and prize in view. But there are times when we need to look around and be amazed at our accomplishment.  From one of my other favorite (fictitious) people, Ferris Bueller, Life moves pretty fast.  Stop and look around once in awhile otherwise you miss it!

Y'all have a great week.  I'm entering trial prep so I may not be churning these out as often but I'll do my best! 

What would YOU do? (no John Quinoes is not going to jump out)

I still appear to be in that rut....still in a phase.  It's like my body is saying "Okay, so you want to lose 13 more pounds?  Well, it won't be easy so get ready for a bumpy ride.  It's getting pretty close to stopping time."  Great thing is there is always tomorrow and a fresh start.  But how many "fresh starts" do you give yourself before you realize it's more serious than just a fresh start?  

A couple of things caught me off guard this past week.  Situations that I walked into and had me asking myself "What do I do NOW?"   My attorneys are preparing for trial so I am very busy lately. We were in search of some exhibit stickers.  Popped in Office Depot.  Surely they would have them?  Nope.  So I called a couple of paralegal friends.  So I stop by to pick them up from one of the offices who said they had some.  The legal assistant hadn't seen me in a few months and said I looked good.  But she was more curious as to where all the loose skin went.  Really?  She wanted to know where the skin went when I wore my first two-piece.  I said it's there you just can't see it.  I was a little taken aback and baffled.  With all the questions or topics to talk about, she chose loose skin?  Then she wouldn't stop staring at my toes.  Needless to say I was glad to walk out of the office.  

Then on Friday, I walked into another situation asking the same question.  Still on the search for exhibit stickers, I called the attorney I used to work for.  Why not?  If anyone would have them, his office would and he would probably not recognize me.  Well, he wasn't there but I was told they did have some and I could have some.  So off I went and didn't even worry about who I might run into...that is until I walked in the front door.  Sitting at the reception desk....something she despised doing.....was my Nemesis.  A person who thought of nothing of throwing me under the bus several times.  I spoke politely to her and thanked her for the compliments.  Secretly I just wanted to grab the stickers and leave.  I probably talked her ear off.... I suppose because I didn't want to hear her talk.  

It made me think of other situations that would beg the question "What would YOU do?"  Not too many situations do I walk into that I can't handle.  Most of them I am trying to control blushing while someone praises my journey and how inspiring I am.   Eating out still presents itself as a situation where I ask "What would I do?"   Like this phase (a/k/a rut) I am going through. What should I do?  I seriously get back with the program.  Start doing some serious tracking and tracking everything.  Leave out the croutons, chocolate chips, snack-ish foods that don't do anything.  Keep unnecessary things out of my head that take up empty space.  

What would YOU do?  I asked that of myself when I thought about resetting my goal to losing more than I EVER imagined.  I knew what I wanted to do and would do.  What would YOU do?  When eating out, sometimes we can ask ourselves that, sometimes we don't listen to the answer.  When I ate out at Cheesecake Factory, staring at the basket of baked bread, the answer I told myself was not to have any OR just one small slice.  Instead, I wasn't listening and ate more than one slice.  

What would YOU do?  Have you asked yourself that recently?  Was it when the decision to start Weight Watchers was part of the solution?  There are people who are always going to ask weird questions.  Or if they are a friend, maybe not as supportive as you'd like.  Sometimes the situation presents itself ahead of time.  Other times, you are caught off guard by it.  You may have a second to ask "What would I do?"  Sometimes you don't.  But know that you are powerful enough to answer the question with the correct answer for you.  

It's just a phase

 I have been in a rut for the last couple of weeks. Tracking flew out the window along with eating right.  There were two days where I stopped walking before I reached 10,000 steps in the morning.  My routine is to walk until I reach 10,000 and it usually is between 5.5 and 6.5 miles...if I walk faster than normal, it takes 7 miles. Last Thursday and Friday I stopped after just 6 miles, never reaching 10,000 during the walk.  So new week, new determination, new day.  One day at a time right?

I have a nephew that will turn 3 in a few weeks.  Lately, he's been a little needy, scared of ghosts, and things under the slide.  Not wanting to go to day school.  And his eating has been less than perfect.  I keep telling my mother it's just a phase.  Since I have no children, I am only guessing at this.  My mom, of course, takes his not wanting to eat a waffle or not wanting to go to school personally.  The boy is 3-years old!

The rut I've been in is just a phase I tell myself.  Start tracking again and track everything that goes in my mouth and stick to good eating, and I'll get out of the phase.  Right?  Not always.  And I'm seeing a pattern starting to emerge.......one that I don't really like.  Instead of starting fresh the next day if I've over eaten or made some not so good choices, I sometimes blow off the week.  Why would I do that?  Although the phases I go through now are short lived, they are still phases and part of life.  Life happens and we can't control that.  I think I am getting more comfortable with the improved me and everything that comes with it that I am starting to slouch.

Some time ago, I was telling my leader what a normal day of eating for me is like.  And as you know, I do eat like a rabbit.  She asked me if I would be able to do that the rest of my life.  At that moment, I said Yes! sounding so convincing that I even believed myself.  I find myself slowly getting in that same rut I was in before I made my first goal.  Yes I can manage this new lifestyle for the rest of my life.  Is the fact that I am still in fight mode as my best friend puts it just a phase?  Could I be scared of reaching a stopping point?  Possibly.

Mind you, I am not binge eating by any means.  No Papa Johns delivery driver has shown up at my door nor have I driven through a fast food line.  But to me, I am eating things that if eaten too much of are not the right things.  I sometimes get addicted to things like croutons.  Lately it's been these wonderful tortillas.  I mentioned them on the facebook page.  And while one or two isn't bad, I don't stop at just one or two.  Just a phase? Sure.  And I started buying Free Cool Whip....the one that is just 15 calories for what 2 TBSP.  I thought I'd put it on my raspberry chocolate yogurt.  Nope.  If I'm lucky, I'll leave just enough but I eat the whole carton.  Why I am telling you this?  Why am I, someone who has a fan base much like Taylor Swift (you have to admit that was funny... hahahaha), because I am, after all, human.  I may walk close to half marathons 5 days a week, eat salads like they're my last meal, and go through lemons like I have my own lemon tree, but I, too, go through ruts.  And they are just that.....ruts....phases.  This too shall pass.

I want nothing more than to lose these 13 pounds and see what happens next.  I have already surpassed what I only dreamed would ever happen.  What's going to happen when I lose more than 200 pounds?  Well, there better be streamers hanging from the ceiling and a victory song.....and  crown!  Again, just kidding.  I sometimes think that all my walking and my enthusiasm to do it is just a phase.  I wake up more times than not thinking must I get out there and walk my 6 miles.  But I have a friend who has been a true blessing and pushes me when I don't think I can go any further.  She is with me doing 5Ks (okay only one so far but our plan is one a month) and excited to be doing it with me.  That is not a phase.

Is my weight loss journey a phase?  Absolutely not!  I cannot let the old me come near the new me. The foods I choose to eat might be, but not the entire premise.  Who knows what other phases are in my future?  They are just that............phases.  And I will get through them or grow out of them.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Weight Watchers (and those that are not): Track (among other things)

Whether we are good at public speaking or not, I think there inside of us is one just jumping up and down wanting to give a speech.  A speech to share wisdom on life's obstacles and joys.  So, if you will, indulge me in this attempt at a speech about the joys and tribulations of a weight loss journey. 

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Track.  If there could only be one tip for the future of a weight loss journey, track would be it.  Of course, there are a host of others so that's why I said could.  The benefits of tracking and being accountable of what we eat has been proven by physicians and those at Weight Watchers.  If we track and are accountable of what we eat, there is no reason the weight can't come off.  The rest of the advice is just that and my thoughts and are no more proven than my own experience.  So here it goes.

Losing weight is not supposed to be a chore.  Enjoy the empowerment of being able to lose the weight and make better choices you have.  Trust me, enjoy the power and you'll look at pictures from the past and in a way you can't grasp now, what you have done is amazing and how fabulous you look.  And how much better you feel! It wasn't as hard as you imagined before walking through those doors or stepping on the scale! 

No need to worry about the future.  That's why there are small goals.  Okay, worry if you must, but know that worrying is not going to make the scale change or the chocolate chip cookie disappear. If you worry, then have a plan or a solution.  That's hard to do because we are all worriers.  We worry about what we can eat at a restaurant.  We worry what people are going to say.  Know that worrying is no more effective as trying to solve a difficult equation by sucking on a lollipop.  The real troubles are more apt to be if changes aren't made healthwise, there could be serious health issues that could blindside you.  

Do just one thing every day that frightens you.  Don't put up with people who are reckless with your feelings or heart.  Those people do not have space in your life.  People who think you're amazing, who support you, who encourage you, who pull you from the bench to do something you're scared of doing are who we need in our lives.  

Jealously has no place here.  I know with the questions again.  But jealously in a weight loss journey only hurts you.  Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The journey is not a race and it is long, and if you insist on it being a race, then it's only with yourself. 

Remember the compliments you receive.  Every compliment....from those that know you and strangers.  I got a text from my new best friend today and it reads in part (it made me cry): As you head out today, I want you to know how wonderful you are!  Your friends see a side of you that you sometimes forget is there.  That's why we're so adamant about telling you.  Along that same line, forget the insults.  

It's hard to do while losing weight, but enjoy your body.  Don't let it scare you or what others think of it scare you.  

For once, be proud of yourself for making the decision to do something to change you.  I know it's hard to take that first step and venture out on a journey you have no idea where you might end up.  I had no idea my journey would lead me to the point of losing 187 lbs.  And when you feel like turning around at mile 98, DON'T!  You can make a pit stop to catch your breath if need be, but whatever you do, don't turn around and start over.  

Be patient but thankful for the advice you receive.  But be careful of the advice that comes with a price.  

Above all, trust me on the tracking! 

Who do you think you are?

Do you remember scavenger hunts?  You're given a list of things to find at various places. Sometimes if you have to get an item from a person/place, the people at that place know about it.  Usually a scavenger hunt is like a race and you only have so much time to find specific things.

I have realized my weight loss journey is like a scavenger hunt.  Except there is no list of things for me to look for.  Instead, I am finding random things about myself along the way. It reminds me of a reality television show called Who do you think you are?  I watched a couple of episodes in which celebrities went on a family tree expedition you might call it.  They found out things about their family they never knew about.  I never realized what kind of journey this would be.  I knew I needed to lose weight and once I did, then everything would be right with the world again.  Why didn't I realize that once I lost the weight I would find an entirely new person?  How did I not know that I would find out certain things about me along the way?  

I didn't start the scavenger hunt or self-discovery expedition till after I had lost 100 lbs.  And at that point, I was finding small things about myself.  I realized that although I enjoyed going out, I didn't have to do it every day or every week.  I realized I was slowly becoming motivation and inspiration for others.  While on my way to the first goal, I found out I enjoy doing things outside and once I get over the initial anxiety of something (like kayaking, rock climbing or paddle board yoga), it really is fun!  I found out that I am really, really, really competitive with just about anything.  I suppose that competitiveness was covered up by the old me and wasn't able to show through.  

This self-discovery has been sometimes complicated and difficult.  You know when I lost 93 lbs in college, I was young and probably didn't know what self-discovery was.  There weren't any "Really?" moments that made me think or ask myself have I been this way all along.  I lost 93 lbs. and that was that.  I didn't seem to be concerned with fitting in to the right crowd.  I was too busy trying to make it through my second semester and dealing with my roommate who liked to party every night.  I was in my early 20s.  What is there to discover about yourself at that age?

But now, oh my goodness!  I am learning things about myself and sometimes it's good and not so good.  My self-discovery has been more mental....some physical but mostly mental.  I discovered what kind of people I want/need in my life.  Now that may sound odd and you might say what does that have to do with you losing 187 lbs?  I have learned over this year that there are different categories people fit into.  I want to surround myself with happy, encouraging, supportive friends. For a long time, I allowed toxic people into my life.  I am grateful to have a circle of friends that includes those from my Sunday Weight Watcher meeting, where I live, and from my school days.  Each one of these friends holds a special place in my life.

I discovered that I am highly competitive.  The fitbit challenges nearly drive me crazy.  And at my first 5K this past weekend, instead of power walking the easy 3.1 miles, I wanted to RUN it!  My friend/walking partner and I stood in line waiting for the race to start and I told her I wanted to try and run it.  I mean, how hard could it be?  I jumped up and down just thinking of running the 3.1 miles. Needless to say, I power walked most of it but did run about a quarter of it, including the finish line. The competitiveness made me want to run it with all the serious runners.

I discovered that I like being active.  I will sit on the couch but if I have my choice, I want to be out doing something.  I LOVE walking.....that's power walking.   Although I only kayaked once, I want to do it again.  Same with paddle board yoga.  I have become one of those people that does not like to sit still for very long.   A friend of mine suggested I start a list of all the physical activities I want to do and I'm working on that.

I have discovered that just by my actions and my personal journey, I have become such an inspiration for others.  I certainly didn't set out to become that.  People remark on it all the time and my "sole sister" tells me just about every day how amazing I am.  The fact I am inspiration and motivation to so many just blows my mind! I've never been "the success story" before.

I am learning to not compromise or settle in life, although it takes my friends to remind me that I deserve so much better than what I deal with.  I discovered that I am not what men want.  Just a short blip about this last encounter.  He hurt my feelings really bad and told me what I wanted to hear.  I told my friends and I have three of them ready to execute a hit if needed.  I am learning that whatever pheromone I have is a male repellent!  On that same subject line, I discovered sex is totally different......in an amazing way!  (Remember - nod and say okay) 

I have discovered it's about Carpe Diem....Seize the day!  Instead of hiding and afraid of being noticed, I am learning to be confident an embrace my strengths and weaknesses.  I am learning to not be scared of trying new things and take advantage of new experiences.

Who do you think you are?  Whether you have lost 10, 20, 40, 50 or 100 lbs, the weight loss journey changes you.  And you have to discover yourself all over again.  You may find things out about yourself that you don't like.  But chances are, you'll discover more things that you LOVE about yourself and have you saying, "Hmmm never knew that about myself."   My journey is just beginning, although I am just 12-13 pounds away from goal.  And yes, I think I will stop there.  I will continue to discover things about myself the rest of my life.  And it's nice to know I have a group of amazing friends to help me.  And those that will execute hits when needed!

no, No, NO. What is your No limit?

I feel like I am behind on my posts.  I had a ho hum week; tracking wasn't at the top of my list of things to do.  I was lazy with my eating but never stopped my walking.  And to my surprise I lost some weight; enough to have lost half of my original weight!  Half of me that will NEVER return. And when I saw that over 500 people liked my status, it gave me goose bumps.  And I appreciate and am grateful for each and every one of your sweet comments.  I can't believe I am just 13 pounds away from losing 200 lbs!  I once heard a quote from the movie Broadcast News where William Hurt asks Albert Brooks: "What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?" Albert Brooks responds with: "Keep it to yourself."  Well I'm not going to keep anything about this journey to myself!

 Although I am working on changing it, I have always been a "yes" person.  You know the kind; one who ALWAYS says yes.  Yes to baking 200 cupcakes, trying so hard not to lick the bowl of icing! Sure, I'll take on another boss......I already have 4 but sure, why not!  Sure, I'll do that!  Yes, no problem! I have a friend who was telling me about a situation.  She has a friend who was always saying she needs to go to the gym.  She needs to lose a few pounds, etc.  You get the story.  And this wonderful friend of mine did just about everything in the world of encouragement to help her friend. And yet the friend could not see the kindness and generosity her friend was giving her.  I've had similar situations.  How many times do we offer our generosity before we realize the people on the receiving end may not want it?  Or not ready to receive it?

It was 8:30 this last Friday night and I was marching around my apartment trying to get more steps in.  I would move, the other person would move.  I thought I COULD walk another 3-4 miles but what would that do.  Just put me further behind.  They were not stopping.  I finally told myself no, this is my limit.  I had already beat my all time record for steps.  So I reached my limit and called it a night. 

When is enough enough?  I'm not talking about work or the normal stress that's is ever abundant.  BWW (Before Weight Watchers), my No did not have a limit.  A 4th slice of pizza?  Sure, why not?  I did not say no to food. Are you kidding?  Food was my best friend not too long ago.  I said "no" to any outdoor activity or walks around the block.  I said "no" to eating healthy until....... I HAD to say "no."  I was told "no" to regular food and instead was on a liquid diet for 3 days.  When I asked if I was going to die that day in the ER, I was told "no, not today."  I actually thought that was it for me. I was to blame for the damage done.  Being told I was diabetic meant I would have to say no to sweets, sugars, and a host of other things.  Eighteen months ago I was told no, you can't go on like you were.

I know what my limits are now, well almost.  Some of the limits are non-negotiable because of my diabetes.  I enjoy eating grapes but they contain sugar.  I can't eat a handful or a bunch like most people.  My "no limit" is 17....yep I can have 17 grapes.  Although my sugars are well controlled, I still watch what I eat...duh I am on Weight Watchers after all!  When eating out, especially Mexican, I have to tell myself 'No!' after about 10 chips. Or bring my own.  With some trigger foods; pizza, chips, dum dums (LOL), and cookies, the "no" limit would be hard so I just don't eat them.  As far as activity, when is my "no" limit?  Some days it's when I reach my 10,000 step goal.  Some days it's when I am exhausted.  When I have days that get me down, and when I reach for a bag of Chex Mix or some other not so good snack, I shout "no."  On those days when I might tell myself negative thoughts (yes, that happens to me too), I stop it before I say anything.

I am learning what my no limit is.....in all aspects of this journey.  It's all part of the process.  How can one change if there are no "no" limits?  I believe I have done some growing up in the last year. Learning limits with going out and having fun, toxic people (those that are not supportive of my journey and the new me), and of course my new lifestyle.  I must give myself limits with these things otherwise the former me works her way back in.  We all have limits.  Have your "no" limits changed since you decided to make Weight Watchers part of your life?  Have you found you have grown since accepting Weight Watchers as a companion on your journey?

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  Y'all have a great week!

Why? Because. Because Why? Because............

It seems like the month is flying by.  I was going to make it to some of my former high school football games (home games) and haven't gone to one yet! I'm hoping I can go to the three in October.  My best friend and I are walking in the Wicked Wine 5k Run in Waller in a couple of weeks.  eeeeek!  That's my squeal because I am sooo excited!  Not only because it's my first 5K (official....I know I do them every day) but because she has ordered us matching tanks to wear.  She won't tell me what they say! But I don't want to know....I want to be surprised.  I am going to buy some small crowns to wear......it is a fun run/walk and you are encouraged to dress up.   Then we talked about me doing a half marathon!  She said she knows I could totally do it.  So I am contemplating doing The Woodlands Half Marathon in March 2016.  

So, that post title could go on and on right?!  I used to say it to my dad all the time thinking he would give a different answer other than "because."  That was the topic in Sunday's meeting.  The "why" that had you walking through the doors at Weight Watchers.  The "why" of the choice to live a healthier lifestyle.  We first talked about the first why, then we talked about how our whys have changed.  

My original "why" was always the same.  I wanted to lose weight.  The reason behind it sometimes changed.  My "why" in 2009 was to lose some weight before my 20th high school reunion.  I remember finding out about the reunion 7 months before.  In my head I told myself I COULD lose 10 pounds a month resulting in 70 pounds.  I wanted to wear a cute outfit to my 20th high school reunion.  Like most, I waited till there were just 2 months left to do my best to lose the 70 lbs or more!  So my "why" changed to just 20 pounds.  I was successful.  I wore a cute outfit picked out by my sister.  The "why" then was more of how I wanted to look to people. At that time, twenty years had come and gone of seeing the people I went to school with.  I was still big but I had successfully done the "why," temporarily.

I remember walking in the door of Weight Watchers in 2013.  My "why" was I wanted  needed to lose weight and couldn't do it on m own any longer. I remember the lady who weighed me, she is still at the location I go to. I cried when I stepped on the scale and it stayed below 400. I was sure I had put on so much that it reached 400 lbs.  She was very calm and maybe shed a tear with me.  The "why" became a health issue and the fact I wanted to live.  My "why" in 2014 after spending 6 days hooked up to IVs in the hospital was I wanted to destroy diabetes!  I didn't want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life.  The why back then was I must do something about my weight.

My "whys" now?  Oh goodness......changed so much.  The "whys" now include I want to look good and shop just about anywhere, participate in a (half) marathon, then a full marathon.  I want to continue living a healthy lifestyle.  Why do I want to never miss a Weigh Watcher meeting (especially with the most awesome leader)?  It reminds me of how far I've come on my journey and it keeps the fears at bay.  Why now?  I want to continue honoring my body by eating pure, clean, healthy foods.  I want to get far away from those 375 lbs. that brought me through the doors almost 2 years ago.  Why?  It'll never be over and I need all the tools I can get to continue a healthy lifestyle and maintaining my goal weight.

Why?  Because.  Because why?  I think our parents told us that to pacify us.  Either the answer was too involved for us to understand or they were trying to shield us.  So when we tell ourselves  or other people because, is it because we don't want to know the answer?  Has your "why" changed from the first time you walked in the doors at your Weight Watcher meeting?  Mine have and they change just about every day!  Why?  I cannot do the weight loss journey on my own.  I need awesome people to guide me and help me celebrate the good things.  Why? I need remind myself that I'll never go back to that day in November of 2013 when I stepped on the scale and it read 375.6 (to be exact).  Why? I want to continue doing things I never dreamed of doing.....kayaking, rock climbing, two-stepping, marathons.  Being able to walk into Macy's, Dillard's, Victoria's Secret and walk out with bags of cute things to wear.  Why now?  I want to live!  

What are you doing with your blank canvas? Phrase of the week: Sat Chit Ananda

Well, did you survive the week? No challenges for me this week. No walking at work to get in as many steps as I could.   I still walked over 11 miles most of the week.  I took a mental break as some of you suggested.  I'll be back next week so watch out!  However, as the week came to a close and Friday approached, I knew it would be a somber day.   I know that's all I have to say....you know.  We go about our lives the rest of the year, but on this day, it seems, as it should, the entire world stops for just a second.  A second to remember all the lives taken too soon.  A second to be grateful for those that go to battle for our freedom.  On this day, just for a few minutes, points do not matter, nor does tracking.  What matters to me is that there are people who fought, and still fight, for our freedom. My freedom to walk more than 10 miles a day.  My freedom to start fresh every day with a new beginning........something taken away from so many people.

So I went to yoga class on Thursday.  I am loving the Warrior poses.  Instead of my usual spot close to the door, I was front and center in front of the instructor.  If I had been told last year I would be doing yoga and liking it, I would have laughed in the person's face. Give the same response I did when I was told I was diabetic.

Sat Chit Ananda.  Okay, I'll give you a chance to run and google the phrase if you don't already know it. The yoga instructor says it translates into "Remember the joy."  With the transitions of the seasons, comes a fresh new start.  A blank canvas if you will.  The class focused on new beginnings and fresh starts.  I have loved this blank canvas I am using to create this wonderful new life for myself.

I don't know about you, but I some times let the days run together, thinking whatever happened the day before must overlap with the next day.  But really. when the lights are turned out and darkness falls, that's a chance to just forget about everything about that day............well almost everything, not the good, glittery, happy things.  Same with a weight loss journey.  First, try to remember the joy of being at a time in your life you were really happy or liked.  It may have been as a child, or when you were a smaller size.  When you started your weight loss journey, did you think of it as a fresh start?  A new beginning?

Until recently, it was hard for me to find joy, especially after I turned 30.  For so much after my early 30s was not joyful for me.  From the time I was 30 years old, I began dealing with very serious weight problem, although I didn't know it when I was 30.  I remember the joy of those early college years when I had lost 93 lbs. and was fitting in size 14s.......buying jeans from Express (not like the store is now!) and wearing stirrup pants!  I remember the joy of being on my own for the first time.  When the weight started creeping back on again, I wasn't remembering the joy any longer.  Instead of realizing the problem was me, I would blame it on the clothes in the stores getting smaller, or the media creating these unbelievably impossible images to obtain.

When I weighed 375 lbs (which wasn't that long ago),  the joy I remembered was how good the pizza tasted or that I didn't have to leave the house on weekends so no one would see me.  But is that joy?  Is that the joy we are supposed to remember?  Absolutely not!  So, my fresh start began March 18, 2014 in the ER.  I chose to make the most of this new beginning.

I have absolutely loved this fresh start.  As my new best friend told me, I am living (and loving) this new life of mine.  I am doing things that, as my friends will tell me, I should be doing in my 40s. And apparently it has me climbing rocks, rocking a kayak, and walking almost a half marathon most days.  With tremendous help from Weight Watchers and everyone who I share the journey with, this fresh start is a healthier, more aware fresh start.  It reminds me sat chit ananda......Remember the joy.  Now, when I remember the joy, I think of when I started feeling better.  I remember when I did something for the first time I hadn't done in years!  I remember the joy in reaching my first big goal, then deciding to go further.

Sat Chit Ananda.  Remember the joy.  Take time for a fresh start.  Was this weight loss journey a fresh start for you?  What does your blank canvas look like?  This is your chance to create something beautiful on this journey............to make something fantastical with a blank canvas.  Wonderful thing is that each day is a chance to start fresh.  So you ate too much on Monday......start fresh on Tuesday with a new beginning.  Remember the joy of a specific time in your life.  I am grateful every day for this fresh start.

Our lives are blank canvases.  A weight loss journey is a brush stroke.  I am having the time of my life creating my masterpiece.  Sure, I've changed colors and even what I want to be on the canvas, but that's the beauty.  Every day is a fresh start, a blank canvas.  Every day Weight Watchers gives you a brand new day of points.  Fresh start.  Your tracker is wiped clean every day.  Tomorrow is a new day, new beginning.  Put this week, tonight behind you.  Tomorrow is a new day......wake up with the sun and declare it a fresh start!!